Sunday, October 24, 2010 I know...

I know that God only gives you what you can handle.  I have to remember this.  I grew up the oldest of five children, and always assumed that I would have a large family of my own.  We had Michael right away, so I figured the second baby would come easily.  That was more than six years ago.  Number two has not come so easily, much less number three or four!!!  I am an aunt to two nephews, who I absolutely adore.  I watched them, along with Little Man on Friday night. 

Yeah, now I know why God gave me just one child.

Don't get me wrong...I love squishy little babies.  They are so sweet and so cute, but I love my independent little boy.  I really don't miss the baby stage.  I like that Little Man can entertain himself so I can get dinner made.  I like that Little Man is potty trained and can feed himself.  Perhaps it is due to me suddenly becoming selfish or lazy...but I kind of doubt that...I did fine when Little Man was a baby.  I just honestly think that God only gives you what you can handle.  Maybe He knows that I was meant for only one child.  That one child needed my 100% attention, he needed all of my efforts and abilities. 

I think God has been looking out for me, and for my family. 

Love to All.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

...keep on trucking...

That is what I gotta do.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one pound at a time, etc.  I have a lot of plates spinning, and I gotta keep them going...once one falls, the others follow...depression, money, bills, weight loss, parenting...there are so many more...

I just have to remember to stay true to myself and not be influenced by others.  I think that is what my problem was in the past...being someone who I really wasn't.  I always let others mold me.

I sometimes have a black cloud that hangs over me.  Some days are rainbows and sunshine.  I can't help the way I feel.  I just have to keep on trucking and take things one day at a time.

Now to tackle some of my "purging".  Taking that one item at a time.  Gonna tackle the family room this evening.  It is two-fold...I have to have the family room in order before tomorrow, I am watching my nephews...and I want them to have the room to play whatever they want!!!

Love to All.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Things are coming together slowly.  Very slowly.  I think I am in denial. 

DH wants to move back to Florida, like yesterday.  I think I am ready.  If we move, it won't be until June of 2011. 

This seems to be a recurring theme for us over the past year.  We think about it, and then never do it. 

I think we are ready.


I think we will be all right once we get there, but the getting there is my stumbling block.  I am afraid to pack up the house.  I am afraid of the actual move.  I am having trouble wrapping my head around the logistics of it. 

It was easy to move to Saint Louis when it was just me and Mike.  We filled our UHaul with our crap and went on our merry way.  We got rid of A LOT in a garage sale before we moved.  A lot.  We made almost $1000 in a three day sale.  I am afraid of moving this time because of the addition of Michael and all of our accumulated stuff. 

I am supposed to be purging through our Rubbermaid tote at a time.  Keep, sell, toss...keep, sell, toss.  That has to be my mantra.  One tote at a time, one drawer, one cabinet at a time.  I don't know where to begin.  All of this, and the holidays are coming up...more crap for Michael.  ARUGGHHH!!!  Of course, I still have a lot of his baby toys.  Those should be easy to get rid of.

Keep, sell, toss.  Now I just have to get off of this couch and get to doing it.  I will keep my progress posted.  So far, I cleaned out one drawer in the kitchen.  That's it.  One day, one drawer at a time.

Love to All.

Monday, October 18, 2010

...I will survive...

Remember the old adage, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"??? Well, someone needs to remind my DH about that. We are now possiby screwed for the next 11 months insurance-wise. We will survive, but it is going to be a rollercoaster ride. Literally.

DH changed insurance at work. Since I left the Credit Union in June, I am now on his insurance. Mike thought he was changing to the best policy for us. A high-deductible Health Savings Account Plan. Yikes...a $4000 deductible to meet!!! However, he assured me that after that deductible was met, that everything was covered 100%. The school district would contribute $2000 to his HSA, and we would contribute the other $2000 through his payroll deduction. What he understood (and stands firmly on that he was TOLD) was that we would have $4000 in our HSA from the beginning...that we were "paying back" the other $2000 via payroll deduction.

Fair Enough.

We go to Walgreens to get DH's prescriptions. Yes, he is on something like six prescriptions...and the three month supply cost over $1600. No big deal. The money is in the HSA, and we are that much closer to meeting our deductible. Next we go to Target to get MY prescriptions (they are doing the $10 giftcard giveaway with new prescriptions...could not pass that up!!!). $579 and change for TWO prescriptions, one month supply. My heart skipped a beat, but knew that we had the $4000 in the HSA and handed over the HSA debit card to the clerk.

Denied. Declined. Whatever you call it, the card was not paying for the prescriptions.

We called the bank that handles the HSA, and were told that there was only $400 and change in the HSA account. Really??? That did not make sense, so the next call was to the benefits department.

After what seemed like an eternity on the phone, it turns out that yes, the school district made a contriution of $2000, but the other $2000 is added as it comes out of the paychecks. It was NOT "fronted" and we are NOT "paying back". Right now, I don't have $579 loose, everything is earmarked. Money is a lot tighter since I went to a part-time position. I am not picking up these prescriptions, and I have no idea how we are going to meet this crazy deductible. DH should be okay, he only needs a little more before he meets his deductible...then everything of his will be covered 100%...while I go without therapy visits, visit with my psycharitist and most meds.

Until we get finances figured out, and get this deductible met, I am bracing myself for a rollercoaster ride. I am just going to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

My first day back on Weight Watchers and this gets the best of me. A bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms were tasty, but did nothing to make the situation better.

We will see what happens. Until then, I am gonna have to enjoy the ride.

Love to All.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

...getting back in the habit...

Getting back into the swing of things.  I am back to trying to blog as often as I can.  I can't promise everyday, but I am going to get better about making an effort to blog.

Today I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting in a couple of months.  I can't say that I am really inspired.  It just has to become habit for me.   My goal this week is to just watch what I am consuming.  I can't say that I am going to make any major changes to what I eat...just watch the portion of what I am eating. 

I have to watch what I am cooking and how I am cooking it.  That will come.  Right now, I have a kitchen full of groceries that need to be eaten.  That being said, I am not inspired to cook.

Yeah.  Still working on the whole depression thing!!!  :)

One day at a time, and results will come. 

Love to All.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

...depression sucks...

Yes it does.  I have had zero interest in anything for awhile now.  Everyday is a struggle.  I am not sure how to make myself happy.  I am taking my meds.  I have not seen my therapist in awhile.  We have had some insurance changes and I was not able to see her after I left the Credit Union.  DH's insurance did not cover my particular therapist, but that all changed 10/1.  I am glad that I will be able to see her again. 

No motivation.  I will say that Little Man continues to make me smile...but that is about it. 

I changed my job...thought that would hasn't.  I like my new job a lot, and love that there is something new and different every day, but waking up in the morning to get to work is a struggle.

I find that all I want to do during the day is sleep.  I spend most of the day sleeping.  I don't know what is wrong. 

Right now, DH is working OT so we can afford to give Little Man a nice Christmas (have to think ahead when money is this tight)...and what am I doing???  Nothing. 

I need to get off this computer and get moving.  Let's hope I can get something done.  It is the least I can do!!!
Love to All.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I'm Going to Disney World!!! this trip has been planned for over a sister is getting married at Epcot, so we are all shuttling down to the happiest place on Earth. Disney is MY happy place. I worked for them for more than six years, and met my husband while working for the Mouse. Yes, I am going to Disney favorite place in the world.

HOWEVER...I have never been there as heavy as I am right now. Of course, the focus of this visit is my sister's wedding...and to see friends and family that we still have in the Sunshine State (my husband was born and raised in Florida). Of course, we will also manage to cram five days in the parks durning this visit. Eight crazy days. During that time in the parks, our goal is to make it as magical as possible for Little Man...but Momma wants to have some fun too!!! According to all sorts of Disney-fan sites, Message Boards, Facebook and can be heavy and STILL enjoy all that Disney has to offer. There are all sorts of stories and testimonials from Disney fans, some with stats that are larger than mine, who have ridden all of the rides and squeezed into seats at shows.

That is not good enough for me.

I am doing research into next year's trip to Disney. DH wants to go somewhere other than Disney (the horror!!!)...he suggested Disneyland or the Disney Cruise. ;) Either would work...I have a cousin who lives about 45 minutes from Disneyland, and she is getting married in the next if we have to fly to California, we may as well see the original. ANYWAY, my goal...whether we go back to Walt Disney World, go out to California or take a goal is to be 100 lbs. lighter this time next year. I will still have a way to go before I hit goal (another approximate 85 lbs after that..) but I will be back where I was when I left Florida seven years ago. Heck, I may even be smaller than I was at that point...I did not own a scale back then...and I did not attend WW meetings...I just gained and gained and gained...I was pretty much in denial.

It averages out to be a little less than 2 lbs a week. I know some weeks will be better than others...and 100 lbs in a year is a pretty lofty goal...but it is something that I am going to work towards I won't be any worse off this time next year than I am today. No matter how I do, I will be a success.

Love to All.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

...what was the last straw???

Today on the Weight Watchers Boards...someone asked what was your last straw???  The straw that broke the camel's back when it came to losing weight???  It gave me something to think about...and alas, my first blog post in a long time.  What makes me want to lose this weight???  What was the deciding factor when it comes to losing this weight???

~ Michael.  Plain and simple.  I told my WW leader that I feel like I have jipped Michael out of a mother because I can't do a lot of things with him.  My energy is zapped and I feel blah most of the time.  I know my depression plays into this...BUT I think that a lot of the depression stems from my is a vicious circle...I gain weight because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am fat and tired, I gain more weight because I am see where this is going.  I am looking forward to going to Walt Disney World this fall for my sister's wedding...but I am NOT looking forward to it because of all of the walking and the heat and the sun...what kind of mother am I that I am not looking forward to taking my son to the Happiest Place on Earth (and my happy place).  I feel that Michael is missing out on a lot because his Mommy is fat.

~ I am ashamed of how I look...I am ashamed that I let myself get this way.  I am ashamed of how this reflects on my family.  I know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to going out and being around people...but I believe that some of my anxiety comes from my weight.  I hate to think of what people see or what they think of me when they see me.

~ My body is tired.  It does not ache all the time, but it just feels tired. 

~ I am tired of paying $50 for a pair of jeans, $32 for a bra, $6 for a pair of panties.  I want to shop in regular size stores.  I know I will never ever be tiny...but I want to know what it is like to shop at a regular store...even if it is for a size won't be a 4X.

I don't know what is wrong with me...I went to the WW meeting two weeks ago, and have not been back since.  I have not tracked, measured, counted, etc.  I have been eating crap like I normally do.  I have not been working out.  I just don't know.  I know why I need to lose the weight...I know how I feel...I just don't know how to do it.

I know this has been kind of a depressing post, but I have to get back on track.  I need to hold myself accountable.  I need to let it all out.  I hope to be back on track...losing weight, working out, blogging...I just need to get back in the routine...

Love to All...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

...opened my eyes...

Okay, so my last post was Friday the 16th.  That evening started a few days that managed to open my eyes.  That night, a couple of hours after Mike went to bed, he woke up with chest pain and difficulity breathing.  I was still awake, reading a book in bed.  I knew something was not quite right with him, but he was hemming and hawing about calling the doctor, much less going to the emergency room.  I don't waste much time, and we decided to go to the ER.  I had to wake Little Man up and get him out of bed...but that was the least of my concern.  The less than ten minute drive to the hospital seemed to take forever.  They rushed Mike in right away.  The checked him out and hooked him up and ruled out a heart attack.  Thank God.  They still had to figure out what exactly caused the chest pain, so they ran more tests.  Little Man was tired and restless...thank goodness that the nurse assigned to Mike was a father himself.  He raided the hospitals stash of old VHS movies and managed to find a copy of Toy Story 2 for Little Man to watch to pass the time.  Mike still had chest pain and pressure, despite the fact that a heart attack was ruled out.  They kept giving him morphine for the pain.  They were keeping him overnight for observation, we figured that.  We made sure that he was comfortable (as can be) in his room before Little Man and I headed home. It was well after 3am, and we were exhausted.  Little Man slept in my bed with me...more for my comfort than his.  I can't say comfort...he is a kicker!!!  I was so tired, that it did not hit me that my husband was not there. 

Saturday came and Little Man and I went to the hospital to see Mike.  We figured that they would release him, telling him tha the needed to come back for a stress test on Monday.  Nope.  They were keeping him until Monday.  They wanted to make sure that he got the stress test done, and the only way to ensure that was to keep him as a patient.  If they sent him home, it would be considered outpatient and he would not get that stress test done until sometime that week.  Mike was already bored in the hospital, Little Man was already restless visiting his Daddy, and I was freaking out.  Freaking out because this meant I would be alone Saturday and Sunday nights. 

I am normally a strong person, but the nights alone freak me out.

I managed to get through the days okay, muddled through them, really.  I now know what it is like to be a single parent.  I have to hand it to single parents, it is a TOUGH job.  Little Man pushed all of my buttons, and pushed them to the limit!!!  I had to juggle schedules and get him off to school...all without my support system. 

Mike had his stress test and EKG done Monday, along with an ultrasound of his liver.  With all of the bloodwork, they found that his liver enzyme level was high and his magnesium level was they did the ultrasound to be safe rather than sorry.  All came back fine...EXCEPT for the ultrasound!!!  They decided to keep him ANOTHER night!!!  I was going batty!!!  Again, Mike was bored and I ws freaking out.  Little Man was back to his normal schedule, but he missed his Daddy. 

I was able to pick him up Tuesday afternoon, and bring him home.  Thank goodness. 

Through all of this, I realized that I need Mike more than I realize.  I love him more than I realize and I need his support and love more than I realize.  It opened my eyes as to how much he does for me and our family and how much I love him.  I can say that, and know that I always loved him...this just opened my eyes as to how much I really do love him.

Love to All.

Friday, July 16, 2010

...trying to waste time...

I am trying to kill a little time...I emptied out my whole closet, and it is not putting itself back together!!!  That is what I am filling my days with right now...tearing the house apart and putting it back together.  It is not really a lot of fun, but needs to be done.  Four years of piling crap on top of crap is finally catching up...and I finally have the time to tackle it.  I don't consider myself, or Mike, a hoarder...but we do have a lot of crap!!!  I am ready to streamline.  Get rid of stuff that we don't need or use.  I am tired of hanging onto it.  It has to go.

Much has happned in the past couple of weeks.  I have not found any kids to take care of, and that bums me out a bit.  What bums me out most is that I went on a job interview last week...a job interview FOR THE SCHOOL DISTRICT.  Yeah.  I did not get the job.  They gave it to someone who has their Masters Degree.  Now tell me, why someone who has their FLIPPING MASTERS would want an $11/hour Attendance Secretary job?!?!?  I feel pretty good about the interview...I was able (via Mike) to follow up with one of the women who interviewed me...and she said that I was among the top candidates.  That is all well and good, but I still did not get the job!!!  I am okay with it, I just did not realize HOW badly I wanted this secretary job. 

Little Man started Kindergarten yesterday, and I feel bad that I don't feel more emotion about it.  Everyone has been calling/texting/emailing me asking how he did and how I did.  How did I do???   I spent the day running errands.  He has been in preschool since he turned three...and he rode a bus as part of his preschool program...SO the first day of Kindergarten was like any other school day.  Of course, he is glad to be back in school and into his routine...and I am thrilled that he loves school so much...BUT I am not getting all weepy about it.

So, that closet still hasn't put itself together...but I plan on wasting a little time on the old computer for awhile.  Hopefully I will come up with something else to write about soon.

Love to All.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I got today's MeMe from, which linked me to

Make Me Say It Again, Girl

Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do "random questions," so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don't have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today's meme!

Saturday 9: Make Me Say It Again, Girl

1. Do you feel that you need to keep repeating yourself when talking to a particular person?  ~ sometimes when I talk to Little Man.  He is going through a very impatient phase right now, so I am going over the same things over and over and over sometimes!!!

2. It's July. Do you have anything special planned?  ~ nothing special...just adjusting to the life of a SAHM!!!

3. Who is your big celebrity crush?  ~ John Rzenik, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls, Nick Lachey, and (don't laugh) Adam Lambert...even though I know he is totally gay...I just love how confident and talented he is.

4. Tell us about a local restaurant you are sure we'd love.  ~ Imo's Pizza, they serve Saint Louis style (super-thin) pizza, good sandwiches and salads as well.

5. Tell us about the shyest person that you deal with regularly.   ~ me...I can be terribly shy in certain situations

6. What is your vision of heaven and hell?  ~ embarassingly enough, I have the same vision that an eight year old would have.  Heaven is all sunshine and clouds and rainbows...hell is fire and brimstone.

7. What is your neighborhood like?  ~ typical suburbia

8. What's your favorite cook-out food?  ~ pork steaks (it's a Saint Louis thing)

9. When was the last time that you saw fireworks?  ~ last night, my neighbors were setting them off as I was trying to sleep!!!
Love to All hasn't sunk in yet...

...I have been out of work, through my own choosing, since Wednesday evening.  It hasn't hit me yet that I am now officially a Stay At Home Mom.  I have learned a couple of things over the past few days...

...I really can get stuff done if I set my mind to it...I have relished the role of SAHM so far...I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished.  I have a routine down.  I am so proud of myself. 

...I am not going to let the lack of kids to take care of right now get me down.  I still have a little bit of time to get some kids in.  I am not giving up on that.  I am determined to make this work.

...Mike can be right about some things...

...I can not be left in the house with a box of Drumsticks.  Nope.  Can't bring those little guys into the house anymore!!!  Not if I need to fit in an airplane seat in two months!!!

Nothing too exciting, but hopefully that will change.  I am excited to start this next chapter in my family's life.  :)

Love to All.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

~ Sunday Stealing ~

I got this MeMe from  I found it via  It helps me a little bit when I don't have a lot going on...which is most of the time!!!

1. What curse word do you use the most?  ~ I hate that I use it, but it is the eff word.  Oh, I am so bad with it!!!

2. Do you own an iPod? ~ not an iPod brand, but I do have an mp3. 

3. What person do you talk to on the phone the most?  ~ Mike

4. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? ~ yes...not a good thought!!!

5. Do you remember where you were on 11/9/01? ~ took me a minute to realize it was 9/11/01...and yes, I was off work from Disney, so I was working my second job at Bass Shoes at the Orlando Premium Outlets.  Mike dropped me off at work that morning, and the mall closed early, so my manager brought me home.

6. What was the last movie you watched? ~ Toy Story 3!!!

7. Has anyone ever called you lazy? ~ not that I know of, though I call myself lazy all of the time!!!

8. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?  ~ yes, prescription Lunesta

9. Has anyone told you a secret this week?  ~ no

10. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? ~ eyes, legs

11. What are you looking forward to? ~ my trip to Disney for my sister's wedding

12. Do you own any band t-shirts? ~ back in the day

13. What will you be doing in one hour? ~ folding laundry (bo-ring), thinking about dinner, maybe even making dinner...

14. Is anyone in love with you? ~ I hope that Mike is!!!

15. Last time you cried? ~ watching TS3

16. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?  ~ laptop

17. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? ~ just my earring in my cartilage

18. Would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos? ~ yes, and I have...

19. What were you doing before this?  ~ working (ugh)

20. When is the last time you slept on the floor? ~ years ago...on vacation of all things...

21. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?  ~ at least 8...

22. Do you eat breakfast daily?  ~ no, but I am getting better about it...I lose more weight when I eat three squares!!!
Love to All

Saturday, June 26, 2010

...taking it all in...

Reality has not set in...not quite yet.  It won't hit me until Thursday...after my last day at work, after my going away party with my coworkers, after I get a chance to sleep in.  No, the SAHM thing won't hit me until then.  Do I regret giving my two weeks notice to work???  Yes, a tiny bit.  I can't believe that I gave up a comfortable, decent paying job for...nothing. 

Okay, I can't really say nothing.  I am doing this for Little Man.  He needs me to be available to him.

I can't say nothing.  I am going back to school to make a better life for my family.

I can't say nothing.  I was NOT destined to be a teller at the same branch, at the same location, with the same routine every day for the next twenty-five years of my life.

I am looking forward to my new beginning...I am a lot scared, but that is my nature.  We have a plan, a deadline, a reason.  If this does not work out, I can't look back and say that I did not try...because I did.  I tried. 

Love to All.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I did it...

I did it...I turned in my two weeks notice to work.  I am scared, nervous, excited, and happy all rolled in one.  I have put my ads out there for childcare in my I am just waiting.  Waiting, waiting, waiting. 

I hope this works!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

...even if it is only a couple of sentences...

I am committed to blogging a little bit every single day.  I am avoiding doing a million chores.  I am scared.  Mike gave me permission to give my two weeks notice to work.  I am SCARED.  It is finally coming together.  This is HUGE.  Huge.  Huge.  What if I don't get enough kids to make it???  I am scared.  What if my family falls apart because I am whiney about my job???  I can't believe it is going to happen.  I am freaking out here.  More details to come.  More later.

Love to All.

Monday, June 14, 2010

One Month At A Time...

So I am not very good at this blogging thing...I have gone a MONTH without a single post...or even a thought about posting.  Summer is here and we have been busy doing non-computer stuff...thank goodness!!!
Things that are going on...

1) I am seriously quitting my job by August 1st.  We don't know what is going to happen, but we are determined to make this stay-at-home thing to work!!!

2) Since Mike is working days for the summer, I have lost the ability to work out in the the workouts have come to a screeching halt...which means...

3) the scale is not budging...I have to get back on track with Weight Watchers at least...

4) we have yet to buy our plane tickets to Florida (yikes!!!) but one of my great fears is STILL my butt fitting into the seat...

5) I was put on Cymbalta for my bi-polar depression...but it was a disaster...made me more nervous and have more panic attacks than ever!!!

6) I still secretly want to move back to Florida...

7) Little Man is gearing up for Kindergarten...and that both excites me and terrifies me...

So, as you can see...much of the same old, same old...just gearing up for some changes that affect us in a big way!!!  So, if I am not around, I apologize in advance...we are just enjoying everything that summer has to offer!!!

Love to All.

Friday, May 14, 2010

...been awhile...

Yes, has been awhile since I sat and put my fingers to the keys...a lot has been going on in my little world.  A lot that I have been struggling with. 

First and foremost, the staying at home thing.  All was a-go...until Mike looked closely into adding me and Little Man to his health insurance.  He thought it was $338 a month...a little spendy, but we could manage.  Nope, he looked closer and talked to someone in his benefits department...he was wrong.  It was going to be $338 a PAYCHECK.  Yes folks, almost $700 a month to for health insurance.  At that point, my world crumbled and Mike broke the news to me that we would not be able to afford for me to stay at home (and go back to school).  I slipped into quite a funk.  I said that I couldn't stay at my job for another year.

~ side note ~ I often refer to us giving ourselves a year's deadline...that is just our own deadline...nothing quite hard and steadfast...just figure it is enough time to pack up the house and get everything in order...all while Little Man is in we know what to expect for him in elementary school in the event that we do move...we know where he is school-wise...

So, I was in a funk...very upset that our plans, which were SO close to coming to fruition were just yanked from underneath me.  I was so close to quitting, I could taste it!!!  I would be home for Little Man when he needed me...I would be going back to school to get my degree to better my family's future...I was going to be HAPPY.

Mike has been reworking the numbers...and it is going to take some dipping into savings, and being close to broke, but we are going to make it happen.  Not right away, but it will happen...closer to August.  Maybe September.  We are kinda undecided about that...we just want for me to contunue working for awhile to sock some more away in savings...

If this does not work out, and we fall flat on our faces, we ARE Florida bound.  For whatever reason, Mike thinks things will be better if we move back.  I am not 100% sold, but am excited about being closer to Disney again...heck, maybe even working for Disney again.  We won't make our millions that way, but we sure were happy.

*sigh* a girl can dream, right?!?!?  :)

Love to All.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My 17 inch struggle... we are staying here for another year.  We have a lot of stuff to straighten up/straighten out in the next year.  There are many reasons why we are waiting a year before making any life-changing, across the country, away from my family move.  First and foremost, Michael starts kindergarten in July.  We are working very hard and very closely with a panel of educators for Michael and his best interests.  He has made such great strides in the last two and a half  years...but we have a way to go.  While his speech is getting better, his language is lagging...and his social skills are null.  Of course, this is all so hard for me to Little Man is practically perfect in every way.  We had a big pow-wow today with the panel...and I wore my big girl pants to the meeting.  I waited until we were in the car, driving out of the parking lot to break down into tears.  What got me most is that they said that his IQ was below normal.  Now, how can they really test th IQ of a five year old???  I just don't get it...he is SO smart.  He just lacks the social skills.  Mike told me to focus on the positive things that they mentioned...and that they did say that there is some variance on the IQ results.  It is just in my nature to worry.  That being said, I really want to make sure that Little Man gets the best education he can get...and we are working so hard here to make that happen.  I am afraid to pick up and start over in a whole new school district, in a whole other state!!!

The other reason why I want to wait out another year is because I am SO not ready to pack up the contents of this house (and it's basement) to move.  That is a year's job in and of itself.

In deciding that we will not be moving to the Sunshine State for at least another year, I am getting more and more excited about our upcoming trip to The World in September.  We are heading there as a family (and by family...I mean just about EVERYONE from my Grandparents to my Aunts and Uncles to my brand new soon to be born nephew Nolan) for my sister Melissa's wedding.  Yes, she is getting married at Disney.  I am so excited.  We are staying at a Grand Villa at Disney's Old Key West Resort for the better part of the trip.  Mike and I are looking to head down a day or two early, and stay a day or two after.  We have lots of family and friends to see while we are there.  I know we won't be able to cram everythng in that we want to see/do...but we are going to try. 

My dilemma of the day is the flights.  We knew it was going to be spendy to get there, since we really don't have the time to drive.  We were going to fly for the extra time that it will give us.  Well, it has been a few years since I have flown...and my weight has gone up and down in that time.  I am afraid it is on the higher side of up.  Well, Southwest Airlines is the only airline that has nonstop flights from Saint Louis to Orlando...and SWA has a policy for "passengers of size".  Yeah, I don't have the money to by TWO tickets for me.  I am hoping, hoping that me, Mike and Little Man can all sit in one row, and I won't be offending anyone if I "spillith over".  The last time we flew, we flew American Airlines, and there were extra seats on the flight, so I sat with Michael and Mike sat by himself.  The flight attendant was kind enough to give me a seat belt extender without incident.  When I looked at SWA's policies, it stated that their seats are approximately 17 inches wide.  I have not measured my butt, but 17 inches seems awfully narrow, if you ask me!!!

Oh well, I just have to get my butt in gear.  Literally.  I have to get movng in the next few months, and be very dilligent about sticking with Weight Watchers.  I have been slacking on that end.  Michele and I have been back to our 5:30 am workouts...but it is the food that I struggle with.  Bad food is so much easier, and so much tastier!!!

Here is to my quest for a 17 inch ass. 

Love to all.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

~ Sunday Stealing ~

Since I am really bad with the blog ideas, I go to for inspiration to strike me.  It usually doesn't, but it gives me links to some pretty good Memes that fill in the blog.  Today's comes from .  Hopefully something exciting or inspirational happens in the next few days to spark the inner blogger inside me!!!

Sunday Stealing: The Meme Time Meme

01. Real First Name: Christine

02. Birthday: 5/17/1973, a bull headed Taurus

03. Where do you live: Saint Peters, MO...a suburb of Saint Louis.  I was born and raised here.  I lived in Florida for several years when I worked for Disney.  That is where I met Mike...and where we want to move back.  This is the source of great stress and strain on us lately.

04: What are you studying/What are you working as: I work as a Mommy and wife, and my paying job is that of a bank teller for a Credit Union.  I am getting really burned out, and had a realization that if I don't do something about my job, then I will never be happy.  My dream is to be an Early Childhood Special Education teacher.  I am enrolling in school to get my two year degree so I can work for the school district...and complete my degree.  I HAVE to do this.  If I don't I will let myself, and my family down.

05. What makes you happy:  Lots of son, my husband, my family, all things Disney, sunshine, shopping, Target, Costco..I am sure more that I have forgotten. 

06. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:  Right now, I am listening to Wow Wow Wubbzy on the TV.  I listen to all sorts of music...all sorts.  You'd be surprised at how diverse my music tastes are. 

07. What is particularly good/bad about your blog: blog is honest. blog is BORING!!!  I do this mostly for myself...just to let it all out.

08. An interesting fact about you: nothing.  I would say that one of the happiest times in my life was when I was working for Disney.  I really had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, and made some fantastic friends.  I also met Mike when we were both working for Disney. 

09. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:  I love my husband and my son more than life itself.

10. Favorite place to be: Home with my family...or at Walt Disney World.

11. Favorite lyric: I am not sure that I have a favorite lyric...but one that comes to mind is " live like you mean it, and love 'til you feel it, it's all that we need in our lives. Stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see nothing is real 'til it's gone..." ~ John Rzeznik - The Goo Goo Dolls - "Before it's Too Late"

12. Best time of the year:  I really like summer, spring and fall...but DETEST winter.

13. Weirdest food you like:  Bacon and Grape Jelly on toast...weird, but delicious!!!


01. A film:   You really would not want my recommendations on I do not get to the movies very often...and my attention span is so short, that I don't really watch them on TV or DVD.  The movies that I have watched lately are Up and Toy Story 2...thanks to Michael.

02. A book:  I like to read anything by Jen Lancaster and Jennifer Wiener...both have new books coming out this May.  I am SO excited.  I like girly, chick lit type books...but books about real life situations...if that makes any sense.  Books that remind me of me. 

03. A song:  I like anything by the Goo Goo Dolls or Rob Thomas and Matchbox Twenty.  I also listen to a lot of old Journey.  They are great when I am feeling down!!!

04: A band:  See above!!!


01. One thing you like about a blogger that you have not met:  I would love to meet Aurora from .  She has become a great inline friend...and I really look forward to meeting her...hopefully in September when I am in Florida for my sister's wedding!!!  I would also like to meet Suzannah from, Amanda from, JL from and Lou from .  All of these people are like Disney rock stars to me!!!

02. Two things you like about yourself:  I like that I am pretty honest about the craziness that is my life.  I am upfront about what is going on, and what I struggle with and what I celebrate.  I like that I know that I have faults and am working on them. 

03. Name three things that you need in a lover:   I stopped looking a long time ago...when I met Mike!!!

Love to All.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

My Samantha Stevens Syndrome

Growing up, I always got lost in the wonderful world of reruns.  The Brady Bunch, The Munsters, The Flinstones, even Gilligans Island.  One program that I was particularly fond of was Bewitched.  Yes, the story of the beautiful witch, Samantha Stevens...her beligured husband, Darrin and their adorable daughter Tabitha.

There is a Bewitched marathon today on TV Land.  It is like the programming gods knew that today was going to be a blah day.  The weather outside is gloomy, so we can't go out and play...or even do yardwork.  The house is in decent shape.  Of course, it could be better...but I just don't feel like it.  Mike is working overtime today and I don't have anyone around to light a fire under my butt to get moving.  Yep, today is a great day to snuggle in bed and watch eight hours of Bewitched. 

One thing that I noticed when I was watching the show is just how perfect everything was.  How I thought that this was going to be my life when I became a grown up.  In many ways, I am still waiting to grow up.  I thought that I would have the perfect life, the perfect house, the perfect family.  I thought that women were supposed to be perfectly made up, wearing the cute little dresses, keeping the house immaculate and get dinner on the table.  Yeah.  Life isn't quite that way for me. 

I am okay with being perfectly imperfect.  My floor needs to be vaccummed, my dishes were thanks to the broken dishwasher sitting in the kitchen, the beds are unmade and I am not sure what we are having for dinner in a few hours.  Yep, lots of stuff needs to be done, but I am content in knowng that I am making memories for my Little Man...playing campout in the family room, playing SpongeBob Sorry and Toy Story Memory.  Watching Yo Gabba Gabba, Olivia and Wow Wow Wubbzy back to back to back and having a picnic in our family room campout.  Sure, my house could look like Samantha Stevens'...but I am okay with it not.  I am okay with being just the way I am.

Love to All.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

...been away from blogging...

It has been a few weeks since I sat down and typed.  I have been keeping busy, and keeping myself away from the computer.  I am back, but don't have much to blog about!!!  I am okay with that.  I am okay that things are pretty uneventful.

I am still looking to leave my job.  I have talked to someone about doing online classes to get my degree in ECSE.  Huge step for me.  Quit my job, take care of kids and take online classes toward my degree.  All is right with that picture.

Of course, all of this and I am (as we speak) on the phone with Mike.

He wants to move back to Florida.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

...Sunday Stealing...

Today's topic (repeat from last week *sigh*) comes from  The questions this week are kinda heavy, but I'll do my best to tackle them...

1. What were doing 10 years ago?  ~ working for Disney...just met in the moment...having some of the best times of my life...

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world ~ 1) cheetos 2) fritos 3) super-loaded nachos 4) Mickey Ice Cream Bars 5) just about anything that tastes good that is not good for you!!!

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire: 1) build my own community...just me and my family 2) get the best teachers for Michael 3) visit Walt Disney World whenever I wanted to 4) take care of my family and friends 5) give to Autism related causes and the Humane Society

4. Three of your habits: 1) too much TV 2) too much computer 3) working out every morning

5. Five jobs that you've have had: ~ sadly, I have only really had three... 1) Lane Bryant (associate, Co-Manager, Assistant Manager) 2) The Walt Disney Company (different position at TDS and WDW) and 3) First Community Credit Union

6. Five places that you've lived: ~ sadly...only two 1) Saint Louis, MO  and 2) Florida (Windermere and Kissimmee)

7. Five things that you did yesterday:  ~ since I am writing this ahead of time, it is really a Sunday post written on Friday, so I will go over what I did on Thursday... 1) worked (ugh) 2) talked to Mike 3) played with Michael, 4) emailed Lia 5) went to bed

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:  ~ not really sure...would have loved to have met Walt Disney, wished I knew my father's father (he passed when I was 4) and wished my Grandmother were still alive...I loved her dearly and think that we would be so much closer now that I am an adult...we were close, but there were a lot of grandchildren and I kinda feel like I was lost in the shuffle...

9. Abortion: for or against it? ~ not against it, but I would not have one...

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president? ~ does not matter...leadership does...

11. Do you believe in the death penalty? ~ yes

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? ~ personally, no...I could care less...

13. Are you for or against premarital sex? ~ I would be in trouble if I were against was no big deal to me...

14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? ~ can't everyone be happy???

15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? ~

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? ~ yes

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? ~ it's been over for a loooonnnnnggg time...

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?  ~ yes

19. Do you believe in spanking your children? ~ beating, no...a spank here or there never hurt anyone...

20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? ~ not really...

Love to All.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

...Saturday Nine...

Today's blog idea came from   There are nine random questions, usually pretty fun!!!

1. How vain are you about how you look? ~ I can be pretty vain...I think it comes from me getting to the size that I was at my heaviest.  I thought that, perhaps, if I looked good, clothes, hair and makeup wise, then people might not notice how big I really was.

2. When you were little what was your favorite TV show? ~ Little House on the Prairie and Three's Company.  To watch them today, is painful.

3. If someone was going to make a movie or TV show about your life, who would play you and why?  ~ that is a tough one...I am not sure...but I do know that I model a lot of my life after Roseanne...on the show, the early episodes...not in real life or the later seasons...

4. Who is your favorite Major League Baseball team? How about your favorite player?  ~ OMG, born and bred a Saint Louis Cardinals fan.  My favorite player when I was a teenager was their catcher, Tom Pagnozzi.  Funny story there.

5. What is your favorite baseball-related movie? ~ A League of Their Own

6. What is one lesson you have learned in the past year? ~ My husband REALLY does know what he is talking about. 

7. Tell us about one of your childhood memories. ~ my favorite memories are from summers...staying out late, until the street light came on...just playing, being kids...those golden summer nights...

8. How do you handle sticky situations? Do you have a method? If so, what is it? ~ Oh I have no method for sticky situations...I kind of just melt...I don't like to be in sticky situations...

9. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? ~ the self-conscious side of me says hell yes...

Love to All.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Mommy Moments

I got this idea from    Today's topic is Summer Days are here.  Well, technically, it is only 49 degrees right now here in MO...but I can look ahead to the summer.  There are going to be so many changes...I am SO excited.  One thing that will remain the same this summer is that Little Man will be playing T-Ball.  He loves it so much, and it is so good to see him get out and run around.  I love to watch him interact with the other children.  He might not be the best player...but they are all 4 and 5...nobody is the quite Albert Pujols yet!!!  The kids have so much fun.  Since Little Man is an August baby, he still has another year of T-Ball before he graduates to Coach Pitch Baseball.  I get frustrated that he is always the school, on the teams and in things like swim lessons...but I have to remember that waiting is the best thing for him.  T-Ball starts in May...but in the meantime, I will post some photos from last season...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

...Tackle it Tuesday...

I found this at when I was trying to get ideas for the blog.  Tackle it Tuesday.  Lots of stuff that I have to tackle...but first and foremost is getting my house absolutely ready for July 1st.  What is July 1st, you ask???  July 1st is the day that I am going to open my home to children.  That is when I am going to have quit my job and decided to take care of other kids as my career.   I am so excited.  We have done a lot of work, but the biggest jobs left to do are organizing the basement and fixing the fence in the backyard.  I love organization, but I am not very good at it.  I am fortunate that Mike will help me out.  I have to get all of the toys organized by age.  I also have to shop for new (or new to us) toys.  That will be hard.  :)  I want to make sure that I have toys for both boys and girls and for ages 1-5.  What a challenge!!!  The big tackle is the fence.  This will have to wait until after we get the Trust Money in May...right now, we can't afford it.  The fence may need to be dug up and completely replaced.  Ugh.  However, we are looking at it as an investment.  I am so excited. 

I can't wait to keep everyone posted on progress.  I am no housewife, I am terrible at cooking and cleaning.  I am going to give it my all.  Of course, couldn't today because my back spazzed out.  Like let's go to the ER spazzing out.  I am suffering through the pain for now, but it is harder and harder.  Will keep you posted on that one.

Love to All.

Monday, March 22, 2010

...Manic Monday...

...this is an idea that I got from; it had a link to  There are some topics to discuss...maybe provoke something in me...

What do you value most in other people?

If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?

You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about?

These are pretty tough!!!  What do I value most in other people???  I would say honesty.  I can't stand when someone is not honest.  I feel like I have been cheated or taken for granted if someone is not honest with me.  I do NOT like feeling that way. 

What color would I choose to see if you could only see black, white and one other color???  Wow.  I would say blue.  That is kind of a creepy topic.  I don't like this one.

What would my 10 minute speech to high schoolers be about???  I would say not giving up.  I have a lot of regrets from my late teens/early adult stage.  I wish I hadn't given up.  Life is what you make it.  I am doing okay now, but wishes things had gone a little differently then so it would be easier now.  You can't change the past...but can work on the present and look toward the future.  Sieze the future.  Make it yours.

Love to All.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

...Sunday Stealing...

...this is a "topic" that I grabbed from to help with blogging ideas.  Since I am tired and cranky this evening, I figured that this would be easiest...

Sunday Stealing: The Eight Tens Meme


1. Are you single? ~ no...married to my DH, Mike

2. Are you happy? ~ depends...right now, I am kinda surprise there...

3. Are you bored? ~ yes...that is why I am writing on my blog...

4. Are you naked? ~ no

5. Are you a blonde? ~ thanks to my wonderful hairdresser, I have blonde highlights...

6. Are you moody? ~ not when I remember to take my medication!!!  ;)

7. Are you a lover/hater? ~ a lover, though I can be snarky...does that make me a hater???

8. Are you hot/cold? ~ FREEZING...though I now have Katy Perry going through my head...

9. Are you Irish? ~ nope, German...

10. Are you Asian? ~ nope...


1. Name: ~ Christine Alice

2. Nicknames: ~ Chrissy, Ed, Mommy

3. Birth mark: ~ small one on my left arm, tiny..

4. Hair color: ~ light brown/dark blonde with highlights

5. Natural hair color: ~ dirty blonde

6. Eye color: ~ blue

7. Height: ~ almost 5"11

8. Facebook Mood: ~ I guess it is okay...asking for pixie dust and magic!!!

9. Favorite color: ~ red or yellow (indecisive)

10. One Place to Visit:  Walt Disney World, DUH!!!  :)


1. Do you believe in love at first sight?   ~ yes

2. Do you believe in soul mates? ~ yes

4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally? ~ yes...hey, what happened to number three???

5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ~ yes...apparently so...

6. Have you ever been cheated on? ~ yes

7. Have you ever liked someone and not told them? ~ when I was like twelve...

8. Are you afraid of commitment?  ~ nope

9. Who was the last person you hugged? ~ Michael Anthony

10. Who was the last person you kissed? ~ Michael Anthony


1. Love or lust?  ~ love

3. Cats or dogs? ~ dogs...what happened to number two???  I feel cheated...

4. A few best friends or many regular friends? ~ a few besties

5. Television or internet? ~ TOUGH!!!  Could never, ever choose between the two...

6. Chinese Or Indian? ~ Ick...neither..

7. Wild night out or romantic night in? ~ wild night???  Don't do those much anymore...romantic in???  it has to include Little it is most likely does not involve much romance...

8. Money or Happiness? ~ happiness...I am apparently living the dream as we speak...we are SO broke...

9. Night or day? ~ used to be a night owl...but now I am a day person...don't believe it...

10. MSN or phone? ~ phone for texting/facebook.  MSN...really???


1. Been caught sneaking out?  ~gee, when I was like 15...

2. Been skinny dipping? ~, ick...

3. Stolen? ~ do ink pens from work count???

4. Bungee Jumped?  ~ nope, but would love to...

5. Lied to someone you liked? ~ not that I remember...

6. Fnished an entire jaw breaker? ~ never liked Gobstoppers on the other hand...

8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back? ~ used to...but now I am older and wiser...

9. Cried because you lost a pet? ~ oh yes...cried when my dog died...and I get upset when one of our current dogs runs away...afraid for her...

10. Wanted to disappear? ~ yes


1. Smile or eyes?  ~ smile

2. Light or dark hair? ~ dark

3. Hugs or kisses? ~ hugs

4. Shorter or taller? ~ taller

5. Intelligence or attraction? ~ intelligence

6. Romantic or spontaneous? ~ spontaneous

7. Funny or serious? ~ funny

8. Older or Younger? ~ older

9. Outgoing or quiet? ~ quiet, since I am outgoing...the yin to my yang...

10. Sweet or Bad Ass? ~ used to be bad ass...see where that got sweet...


1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd? ~ do high school plays count???

2. Ever done drugs? ~ no, seriously

3. Ever been pregnant? ~ yep

5. Ever been on a cheer leading team? ~ heavens, no...damnit, what happened to four...

6. Ever Been on a dance team? ~ no...gawd, are we in highschool still???

7. Ever been on a sports team? ~ soccer

8. Ever been in a drama play/production? ~ yes

9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? ~ no

10. Ever been in a rap video? ~ oh yeah, that's me shakin' it in the background...


1. Last phone call you made: ~ Mike

2. Last person you hung out with: ~ Mike

4. Last time you worked:  ~ just today...915-330...not gonna ask about question three...

5. Last person you tackled: ~ um...nobody, ever...

6. Last person you IM’d: ~ Daniel, my brother...

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with: ~ Mike...what about number seven..

9. Last thing you missed: ~ Michael when I had to leave for work this morning...

10. Last thing you ate: ~ cheesey ranch chicken was okay...sounded better than it was...

Love To All.

Friday, March 19, 2010

...Only Good Things Today...

I have been something of a Debbie Downer lately.  Seem to be in something of a funk.  I am trying to snap out of it.  I have good moments, and I have bad moments.  Lately, the bad moments seem to be outweighing the good.  I am trying.

I was looking around the internet for ideas for my blog.  I could blog about "Mommy Moments", "Four Foods Friday", "Friday Fill-In" and "Food For Thought" Friday...but I came across "Only The Good" Friday.  THAT is the blog topic that I should be working on.

Things that I am thankful for...things that I love...things that make me smile.  Only the good today.

...I have an amazing husband who supports my dreams.  He helps me through the thick and thin.  He is there when I am having bad days, and celebrates when I have good days.  He loves me no matter what, and takes all of the crap that I can dish out. son is my reason for being.  Michael is amazing, himself.  I watch him learn and grow every single day.  He has overcome certain obstacles...and just crushed them.  He is so smart and so intelligent.  He just has a different way of doing things...and that is okay...that is what makes him unique.

...I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly.  My family is so much fun, and I love them all so much. 

...we live a comfortable life...and I should not be complaining.  Our struggles are supposed to make us stronger.  I need to remember that.  I should not be afraid.

That is what I have come up with this evening...short and sweet...mainly because I am tired!!!  I will try to focus on the positive, even if it is only on Fridays!!!

Love to All.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

...scale is stuck...or just outta whack... I am paying to go to the Weight Watchers meetings..however, I am not going to said meeting.  I have every excuse in the book as to why I have not gone...sick, pink eye, slept in...none really good (except maybe the pink eye one...but it was Little Man who had it, not me...).  I have taken to weighing myself at home and recording my weight online.  Um.  Normally this would not bother me...BUT the weight that I recorded this morning was the EXACT SAME as the last weight I recorded on 3/2/10.  Exact same???  I have not gained or lost so much as a tenth of a pound in the last two weeks???  I find that kind of hard to believe.

I think it is time for a new scale.  *sigh*

On another note, our pro/con list is weighing very heavily to staying here right now.  Mike is willing to give it a year to see how it goes.

I think we have found a good combination of meds for my bi-polar depression.  Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Love to all.

Monday, March 15, 2010

...still on the fence... I have gotten the ball rolling on following my dream.  Nothing much has happened in the last week, except every day I think about quitting my job.  I have never been so determined to quit a decent job in my life.

What we are still on the fence about is moving to Florida.  That is still in the back of our minds.  I know, you are most likely tired of hearing about it...I get tired thinking about it!!!  Problem right now is that there are not jobs available at Disney in the departments we are interested in.  My feeling is that we should just apply.  If we get called about a job, we need to take it as a sign that we belong back down there.  The logical side of me says to give it a year...see how the caring for children thing goes.  We need to stay here...our house is perfect, the schools are great for Michael, Mike has a decent job with great benefits.  If I can get the home-based daycare off the ground, then I will be bringing in decent money and staying at home with my son.  If we move to Florida, we will both be working full-time and our hours may suck.  Our hours suck right now, that is why I am so down right now.  I never see my husband.  I don't know if it will get any better if we move.

I keep talking about jumping in with both feet...but get timid right around the water's edge.  Just sticking my toe in right now.

Still on the fence.  That hasn't changed.

Love to All. 

Monday, March 8, 2010

...waiting on the world to change... I am not really waiting on the WORLD to change...I am waiting on ME to change.  I can't complain until I actually DO something.

Today is the day.

I have put in applications with the school district for temporary employment...just to get me through the next couple of months.  Why, you ask, am I putting in applications when I have a full time job???

Because today is the day.  Today, the straw broke the camel's back.  Today.  My job forced me to choose between caring for my sick son and going into work. 

Michael has Pink Eye.  Highly contagious.  My parents, who care for Michael, are out of town for the week.  My sister is in charge of Michael and AJ on Tuesday.  My sister did not want to take care of a sick kid.  I don't blame her.  I called my boss to let her know that I would not be in on Tuesday, since Michael is sick.  Yeah.  My boss SHOT that down.  Let me know that since I was on probation (really, that is news to me) about my attendance that I would lose my job.

Did she just threaten me with my job??? 

I am SO ready to quit.  I really would quit, except I like everyone that I work with, and don't want to put them in a pickle. 

I talked my sister into taking care of Michael, eyedrops and all...on Tuesday.  I just pray that my nephew does not catch the Pink Eye.

This is why I am looking for a change.  I am ready.

Love to All.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Some of my Disney Tweep friends were twittering about Ikea on Thursday.  I have not been, as the closest Ikea to Saint Louis is in the Chicago area, six hours away.  I was under the impression that there was one in Kansas City (a mere three hours away) but alas, I was mistaken.  I decided to check out their website.

I.  Am.  In.  Love.

I can't believe all of the wonderful things that they offer.  And this is just on the website.  I could not imagine what an actual store is like.  They even have a foodcourt.  I wonder if it is like a Costco.  I would fall in love with it.  Saint Louis needs an Ikea.  Saint Louis is not the sticks, we are not hillbillies.  We deserve fine European inspired furniture and Swedish Meatballs served in a Food Court style setting.

I was most impressed with their lines of organization for children...such as bins for toys.  That is my latest obsession.  Okay.  One of my many obsessions.  With the talk of starting up an in-home daycare and just Little Man's toys in general, I am always looking for the best way to store toys.  There is no GOOD way.  Mike is willing to build me some toy storage systems...but I see what Ikea has to offer and figure that may be the way to go...of course, Mike would be putting them together anyway...but the wood is already measured and it would be good to go.  He might balk at the price, plus we would have to pay for shipping...BUT I have to remind him that it will be worth it.

Until then, I will have to dream.  Target makes pretty good storage solutions (their Itso line) but I wonder how it is constructed.  Maybe that is what I will have to go for, since we don't have an Ikea nearby.  I can just hear me pleading with Mike that we have to drive to Chicago for a weekend to go shopping.  He is gonna love that..especailly after I told him I am NOT leaving Disney World in September with no fewer than FIVE Disney Dooney & Burke bags.  Heck.  I really just want the first two.  I will be happy with those.  ;)

Love to All.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

...Thursday Thoughts...

I tend to get mopey when Mike has to go off to work.  I would prefer that, on my days off, he take a sick day and stay with me.  Of course, that is not possible.  We would be even worse off than we already are.  I told him that I was ready to just go ahead and quit my job.  He said that I have had a taste of what a stay at home Mom is like...and I really, REALLY like it.  My past two days have had purpose.  I have not been on autopilot.  I have has something to do.  Now, of course...the house is not 100% perfect...but I have kept up on laundry and the kitchen.  The carpets need a good vaccumming, the bathroom needs scrubbing and the floors need washing...BUT I have kept up on the kitchen and laundry!!! 

I feel guilty because I was not able to be around for Michael when he was little.  Of course, I can make up for it now.  I can be the Mom that I always wanted to be.  I just need to quit this stupid job and focus on what is important. 

I need to get my butt in gear.  I need to get things in order so I can quit my job.  So I can open my home to children.  I am very excited.  We got the spare room cleaned out.  Next on the agenda is the basement...that is going to be hardest...but Mike and I working together can tackle anything.  Weekend off after that will be the garage.  By that time, the weather should be getting better, so we can focus on the outside of the house...getting the fence fixed up and the yard cleaned up.  I am going to put something out on Craigslist for yard toys.  I am getting excited.  Now that the weather is getting nicer, I know that summer is around the corner.   It is coming, it is getting nearer.

Yes, I still get mopey when Mike has to go to work.  I still miss him, but part of it is that I like being home and getting to play SAHM.  This is what I was meant to do, not what I have to do.

Love to All.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Getting to Know You ~ Again...

This time there are FIFTY questions!!!  I grabbed this from  It is a popular website for dieters...heck, I just Googled "getting to know you" and this came up...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  ~ my first, but my middle name is Alice...after some Great, Great Aunt that I never met...

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?  ~ just this gets overwhelming sometimes...


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? ~ smoked turkey breast

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? ~ one darling son...Michael Anthony, five years old
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? ~ I think so.  I am generally a fun person...when I am in the right mood.  I hate that I am not the person that I used to be.  I am a shell of the person I used to be.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? ~ oh yes...too much I think sometimes...


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? ~ absolutely

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? ~ right now, Chocolate Cheerios

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? ~ I used to...but not so much anymore...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? ~ Edy's Loaded Peanut Butter Cup...

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? ~ how they are dressed...very shallow, I know...

15. RED OR PINK? ~ red...

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? ~ my bipolar depression disorder.  I hate that it makes me the way it makes me...

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? ~ my Grandma Grote, who passed away almost ten years ago...and family and friends who are far away...

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?  ~ who the hell is Paul McKenna and what is his technique???  Must Google this...

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ~ none...I hate to buy the cute ones, but hate to wear them...

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? ~ Tyson Dino Nuggets and Steak Fries (not OP, but easy...)
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ~ whatever is on Nick Jr., I think it is "Jack's Big Music Show"...

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? ~ today I am feeling black...somedays I feel yellow and some I feel red...depends on my mood...

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? ~ my mom's yellow cake baking (and it has to be a YELLOW cake), Michael after he has his bath (we still use baby wash)


25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?  ~ beach house, hands down...

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? ~ baseball, hockey, football, college basketball...

27. HAIR COLOR? ~ ooohh...blonde, brown highlights...beautiful, thanks to Matt the Magical hairstylist...

28. EYE COLOR? ~ blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? ~ went back to glasses...just easer for me...and I love my frames...

30. FAVORITE FOOD? ~ steak...

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? ~ happy endings...

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ~ I hate watching movies on TV...they are a waste of my time...

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? ~ black sweater with grey and bright pink argyle diamonds...

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?  ~ summer...

35. HUGS OR KISSES? ~ both!!!

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? ~ hard to pick just so many...


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? ~ favorite???  Can't both!!!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?  ~ it is called "Barefoot"...I forget the author...

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? ~ nothing...I use a laptop...fingermouse...

42. FAVORITE SOUND? ~ Michael's laughter...train whistles (???)...the music from Fantasmic!

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? ~ the Rolling first concert ever...

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? ~ Walt Disney World...though it was my home for awhile...

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? ~ sadly I am told that I am incredibly patient...I think that could be a talent..

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? ~ Saint Louis, MO

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? ~ outside Saint Louis, MO (Saint Peters, MO)

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? ~ white...

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? ~ tan...

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? ~ it filled a blogpost!!!

Love to All

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


...have I already written a post titled "absent"???  I may have.  I have been absent here of late.  My heart has not been into blogging.  I have been so busy, that some nights I don't even turn on the computer!!!  Okay, so I turn it on...check a few things, but I don't get onto Blogger!!!
Not much going on. 

I feel like my bipolar disorder is eating me alive.  Somedays, my thoughts paraylize me.   The highs and lows are ruling me.  Right now, I am in a funk.  Getting up and getting going takes everything out of me.  I don't even want to move.

That is part of the reason why I have not been blogging.  The funk I am in means that I am not doing a lot.   I am going into work...though I don't want to.  I am making sure Michael is up and dressed and fed...BUT that is a struggle somedays.  Mike is a saint.  I don't know how he puts up with me.  I really don't.  Mike sets his alarm in the morning...just to talk to me.  I don't deserve such a wonderful man.

See.  This is how I think.  This is part of what goes through my head.

Love to All.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

...Feeling Good...

I am feeling pretty good overall.  Of course, it is the weekend...I don't have to work and Mike is home.  There is a Law & Order SVU marathon on USA.  Life is good today.  I got my hair done.  Talked to my baby sister.  Cleaned the house.  Well, still working on the house.  There is still a lot of crap that I am dealing with...but for today, I am going to live in my happy bubble and life will be good.

Funny thing is...I did not take my meds today.

Love to All.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

...trying to figure out...

...what makes me tick.  Why I am an emotional eater.  Why I can be so good and so on plan all day...but come home to an empty house at night and all hell breaks loose.  Why I can be good all day, come home and eat a piece of cheeseburger pie, a slice of roast beef and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich???  I can not even figure out why I eat WHAT I eat.  I just eat whatever I can get my hands on, and eat until the hurt and emptiness goes away...problem is, it never really goes away.  I just go until I can't take it anymore.

I know, I am sad...lonely...depressed.

I don't know what I can do to fix it. 

I take my meds.  I exercise every.  single.  day.

I just hate being alone. 

Love to All.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

...needing inspiration...

I should not need much inspiration.  I should be able to just rattle something off of the top of my head.  I am doing this blog for one person and one person only.  Me.  Okay.  If you must be techinical, I am also doing this blog for my therapist.  I need to journal...and I am not good at journalling.  I thought blogging would be easier.  It isn't.

Today was fairly uneventful, in Pagnotti terms. 

I slept in and missed the gym.  Again.  I can't kick this headcold, so my sleeping has been fitful.  I can take a sleeping pill, but they just make me groggy if I can't get a solid 8 hours of sleep.  The alarm went off, and since I knew my girlfriend was not able to make it this morning, I decided I was not going to make it.

I went to Weight Watchers.  I remember why I never cared for Wednesday meetings.  I don't like the Wednesday leader.  Good news, I lost 4.4 lbs.  Bad news, I am sure it was water weight, since my monthly visitor is just about leaving.

Mike and I had a meeting for Michael's transition to kindergarten.  I think I was expecting a lot more than what really happened.  I thought we would have a lot of loose ends tied up.  I thought I would have a good idea of what to expect for Little Man for the next year.  Nope.  This meeting was to give the district permission to retest Michael to begin to get the ball rolling for kindergarten.  Follow that???  I didn't!!!  No, seriously.  I kind of understand why we were at the meeting today, to sign the permission slips!!!  I just wish I had more answers.  I was kind of using this meeting as the "go" point to get the ball rolling to quit my job.  I am so on the fence.  We will be able to afford for me to do this, provided I take in three kids at $125/week.  I am willing to quit my job for such glamour...but I am scared.  I have not had a job since I was 17!!!  I think the tradeoff will be worth it.  I want to be able to be home when Michael gets off the bus.  I want to be able to help him with homework and get a meal on the table.  I don't want to be walking in the door at 8 pm at night and have a mere hour or an hour and a half before we turn in for bed.  I feel that yes, my work schedule gives me that extra day off to be at home...BUT I am paying for it with the longer days. 

I am so scared.

We decided to try this out for a year before we decide about moving back to Florida.  I think if I can do this, I will be all-around happier.  Of course, this makes it sound like it is all about me...and in a way, it is.  I hate to sound selfish...but I am not happy right now...and when I am not happy, the whole family suffers...and I don't want my family to suffer.  Seriously.

Long round about way to my day.

After the meeting for Michael, Mike and I ran a couple of errands and he went off to work.  I HATE that part of the day.  The part where Mike leaves the house at 2pm, and Michael does not get home until 445pm.  I HATE those two and a half plus hours.   I HATE them.  I never realized how co-dependent I was until I became so clingy, needy and whiny about being alone.  Today, I filled my day with delivering my Avon orders, intentions on going to the gym (but caught up with old coworkers while delivering the Avon and that took too long...) and then I topped it off by having dinner with my parents.  My mommy made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and beets.  Yes.  I acutally LIKE beets.  :) 

I had a pretty good day.  I managed to stay OP for the most part...until I came home to the empty house (no Mike) and binged on a piece of leftover roast beef and two pieces of bread and butter.  I hate being alone.

Love to All.

Monday, February 22, 2010

...Monday Musings...

Just some random Monday morning thoughts...

~ I have become a morning person, and that scares me.

~ ...have you noticed that I love elipses (sp) know, the three dots that indicate a pause?!?!?  (...)

~ My Little Man has turned into my Little "Disney Nerd".  Instead of a bedtime story last night, he asked to watch some of the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade that we saved on the DVR.  Loving it!!!

~ My weight loss journey is not going so hot this week.

~ I HAVE been working out...just not pushing myself really hard.

~ I am still putting off making some pretty grown up decisions about our future.

~ We meet with Little Man's teachers, therapists and case workers on Wednesday.  We will finalize his transition into kindergarten.  That will help me make some of those grown up decisions.

~ I am working on a lot of things.  I have not seen my therapist since December (she is a busy, busy lady), but I have been working though a lot.  The one thing that I continually struggle with is spending money that we really, truly don't have to spare.

~ At the same time, I am working hard to save my pennies for TWO new Disney Dooney Bags with all of the trimmings when we head to the World in September for my sister's wedding.  They are my drive.

~ Speaking of heading to the World in September, my goal is to lose 75 lbs by then.  I have already resigned to the fact that I will look like a cow in the pics anyway, but I want to ride Rock N Roller Coaster again!!!

~ I have hours and hours and hours of TV to catch up on the DVR...but I can honestly say that I don't miss them...I NEVER thought I would say that I did not miss my shows!!!

That is about all that is going through my head this morning.  Since it is so early, I might chug out an actual blogpost later on.  Who knows.  Maybe one day I will say that I don't miss my computer...yeah right, that will NEVER happen!!!  I know, I don't miss my programs BECAUSE of my computer!!!

Love to All.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Spring...Just Get Here Already!!!

I am so over winter.  So over it.  I am tired of the grey skies, I am tired of the cold temperatures, I am tired of the sogginess.  Is sogginess even a word???  My major complaint about using blogger is the lack of spellcheck.  If it is here somewhere, it is hidden and I can't find it.

I digress. 

I just want to get through the next few months.  I just want the sun to shine, I want the birds to sing, I want May to get here already.  Our lives are so much less stressful come springtime.  I want longer, warmer days.  That is all.

I am not sure if my depression is tied in to the weather.  I have not touched on this with my therapists or psycharitist (sp).  I just hate the short, cold, dark, dreary days.  I long to be more active, get out in the fresh air, to enjoy life again.

Not much of a topic, but what is on my mind.

Love to All.

Friday, February 19, 2010

...starting over... I went back to my first WW meeting in a year and a half.  I did have reservations...and yes, the group was, my wonky weigh in days won't be an issue..and surprisingly enough...there weren't too many "Know-It-All-Nellies" in the group.

There were, however, quite a few "magpies" in the room.  You know, the kind of people who always have something to say.  I just chose to ignore them and concentrate on what I was there for...why I was there.

I am starting over, starting from scratch, starting fresh.  A new beginning, a new day.  I literally wiped out a 20 lb weigh loss to start over.  Yes, I know that I have lost this weight...but I needed a new beginning...a new starting point. 

I am quite excited for this chapter in my journey.  My goal is to lose 75 lbs before we head to Florida for my sister's wedding in September.  It is bad enough that I will still be heavy...but I can't change that overnight.  I am not going to go to some crazy extreme to lose this weight in the next seven months!!!  I will take it in small babysteps.  I want to celebrate every NSV (non scale victory) and figure out what to do better when I fail (and I will FAIL here and there...I am only human).

Today, my leader discussed eating out.  His meeting really opened my eyes on how to plan or prepare for dining out.  You can't always be 100% prepared...and after doing WW as many times as I have, I know what choices are better than others.  He also mentioned that you can't deprive yourself.  What good is celebrating something at The Cheesecake Factory, if you aren't going to have a piece of cheesecake???  Now, this is reserved for special occasions and celebrations...not everyday dining.  What good is celebrating your birthday if you aren't going to allow yourself a piece of cake.  This is RADICAL thinking compared to WW of the past.  This is why I love can literally eat anything you long as you stay within your Points range. 

Off I go to have a piece of Little Man's favorite, "Hamburger Cheeseburger Pie".  I have figured out the Points Values (how I love my WW eTools) and will track it and move on.  I am not having to inject myself with some weird hormone and worry about not eating my tomatoes in the same meal as my cucumbers...because, heaven forbid that happen!!!

My weight might not come off as fast as 14 lbs in seven days...but it is coming off...slowly and surely is the way that I have to do it to keep it off.

Right pounds down, 172 to go...and I have gone one meal without having fast food (if Subway does not count, then it is three meals technically).  This is HUGE.  Much bigger than I am, but I am ready to tackle this...

Love to All.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Today I go back to my first Weight Watchers meeting in a year and a half.  I went strictly online when I switched positions with my job.  I have hit a weight loss plateau, and desperately need to bust through it.  I am watching what I eat, not closely enough, I will admit.  I am also working out on a more regular basis.  I think that the meetings give me something that sticks with me through the week, and is the little voice in my head that I NEED to hear. 

However, going to the meetings...I do have some reservations.

1) I hate crowded meetings.  The older I get, the more I hate crowds.  No real explanation for that one.

2) I won't be able to attend the same meeting each week because of my wonky work schedule.  I am scheduled off Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday this week it is Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.  No consistency with my days off means that I will have a new weigh in date each week.  I don't want that to deter me.

3) I can not, CAN NOT stand the "know it all Nellies" that always seem to be in a meeting.  What I love about online is that if I come across a post or a topic that either does not interest me, or annoys me...I simply don't read it.  In a meeting, I am sitting there for a half an hour listening to the same people say the same thing each and every week.  What works for them does not always work for me.  I love to weigh myself each and every day...oh, that is a big no-no in some people's eyes.  Whatever.  Do what works for you, and keep it the hell to yourself.  I don't mean to sound bitter or angry...but I get tired of the same crap, different week.

Despite the way it sounds in this post, I am actually excited to be going back to my meetings.  I am excited for the accountability and the support that I have from my friend Michele.  She works out with me most days and she is going to the meeting today to cheer me on.  I don't know what I would do without her. 

At least I have someone to sit next to and roll eyes with when someone goes on a little too long today!!!

Love to All.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Chrissy + Martha Stewart = disaster, EPIC fail... my head, I should be able to bake a simple cake.  I can bake a simple cake.  I just can't bake the "simple" cakes that I want to.  I wanted to bake a "simple" Valentine's Day cake for my two favorite guys...

This is an example of the cake I had in mind.  Beautiful AND delicious.  I decided that this might be too much for me to tackle, so I decided to buy some Wilton Heart Shaped Silcone molds.   I thought I could make sweet little tiny cakes.  I bought cupcake frosting and had visions of perfect little cakes in my head.  The mold could be used for ice cream!!!  Delicious heart shaped cakes and ice cream.  This is a photo of the exact mold that I bought. 

I bought cake mix and brownie mix.  We were going to have a tasty dessert forV-Day and I would have cakes and brownies, baked with love, to send to my parents and grandparents.  All tied up with a cute little bow.  My son would have magical memories of us baking and decorating our gifts, again all made with love.

Well, Saturday afternoon, I decided to tackle the brownies.  Okay.  I read the instructions to the silcone mold.  It said that you did not have to spray the pan.  I did not, because this is supposed to be miracle silicone...all you had to do was "twist" the pan and your treats would just release.  So I mix the batter and bake.  I let the pan cool, for what I thought was long enough.  Apparently you have to let the pan cool to an arctic temperature before removing said goodies.  I could not wait that long.  I only had one pan, and had a lot of batter left to bake.  So I twisted an popped.  So I tried to pop.  The brownies TOTALLY stuck to the pan.  I gave up and baked the rest of the batter in an 8x8 pan.  They turned out really, REALLY underdone.  Scrapped the cute, decorated brownie idea and decided that I would tackle the cakes the next day.

Sunday comes, and it is snowing all day.  What a wonderful day to get our baking done!!!  Okay, so the cakes turned out the same as the brownies.  I won't go into gory detail...but I did get pictures of the cakes.

I again, made a cake out of the rest of the batter.  Little Man helped me decorate the lopsided, crumbly cakes and make the big, blobby hearts on the cake.  I decided then and there that it is not about how the outcome looks, or what anyone else thinks of it...just the memory making with my Little Man along the way.  Ou cakes aren't going to win any prize...but to Michael they were number one the whole time.

Love to All.