Wednesday, February 24, 2010

...needing inspiration...

I should not need much inspiration.  I should be able to just rattle something off of the top of my head.  I am doing this blog for one person and one person only.  Me.  Okay.  If you must be techinical, I am also doing this blog for my therapist.  I need to journal...and I am not good at journalling.  I thought blogging would be easier.  It isn't.

Today was fairly uneventful, in Pagnotti terms. 

I slept in and missed the gym.  Again.  I can't kick this headcold, so my sleeping has been fitful.  I can take a sleeping pill, but they just make me groggy if I can't get a solid 8 hours of sleep.  The alarm went off, and since I knew my girlfriend was not able to make it this morning, I decided I was not going to make it.

I went to Weight Watchers.  I remember why I never cared for Wednesday meetings.  I don't like the Wednesday leader.  Good news, I lost 4.4 lbs.  Bad news, I am sure it was water weight, since my monthly visitor is just about leaving.

Mike and I had a meeting for Michael's transition to kindergarten.  I think I was expecting a lot more than what really happened.  I thought we would have a lot of loose ends tied up.  I thought I would have a good idea of what to expect for Little Man for the next year.  Nope.  This meeting was to give the district permission to retest Michael to begin to get the ball rolling for kindergarten.  Follow that???  I didn't!!!  No, seriously.  I kind of understand why we were at the meeting today, to sign the permission slips!!!  I just wish I had more answers.  I was kind of using this meeting as the "go" point to get the ball rolling to quit my job.  I am so on the fence.  We will be able to afford for me to do this, provided I take in three kids at $125/week.  I am willing to quit my job for such glamour...but I am scared.  I have not had a job since I was 17!!!  I think the tradeoff will be worth it.  I want to be able to be home when Michael gets off the bus.  I want to be able to help him with homework and get a meal on the table.  I don't want to be walking in the door at 8 pm at night and have a mere hour or an hour and a half before we turn in for bed.  I feel that yes, my work schedule gives me that extra day off to be at home...BUT I am paying for it with the longer days. 

I am so scared.

We decided to try this out for a year before we decide about moving back to Florida.  I think if I can do this, I will be all-around happier.  Of course, this makes it sound like it is all about me...and in a way, it is.  I hate to sound selfish...but I am not happy right now...and when I am not happy, the whole family suffers...and I don't want my family to suffer.  Seriously.

Long round about way to my day.

After the meeting for Michael, Mike and I ran a couple of errands and he went off to work.  I HATE that part of the day.  The part where Mike leaves the house at 2pm, and Michael does not get home until 445pm.  I HATE those two and a half plus hours.   I HATE them.  I never realized how co-dependent I was until I became so clingy, needy and whiny about being alone.  Today, I filled my day with delivering my Avon orders, intentions on going to the gym (but caught up with old coworkers while delivering the Avon and that took too long...) and then I topped it off by having dinner with my parents.  My mommy made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and beets.  Yes.  I acutally LIKE beets.  :) 

I had a pretty good day.  I managed to stay OP for the most part...until I came home to the empty house (no Mike) and binged on a piece of leftover roast beef and two pieces of bread and butter.  I hate being alone.

Love to All.

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