Sunday, February 19, 2012

One Little Thing to Remember

Quite a week...I don't even know where to begin...other than, I am glad that it is over...

Little Miss M has had quite a hard time adjusting to her new classroom.  I have a great deal of support in the new classroom, and for that I am thankful.  Little Miss M is still hitting and kicking...and now added biting to the mix.  Yes, she has bitten me before...but she bit another classmate.  I stepped out of the room to use the restroom (I should be allowed to go, right?!?!?) and left her in the care of the teacher.  The teacher assured me that she would keep her eyes on her.  Well, Little Miss M is as fast as lightning.  The teacher said that she had never seen a bite like the one Little Miss M gave this little boy. 

I have to take a deep breath and remember that Little Miss M has special needs.

Yes, it took me awhile to realize that children on the Autism Spectrum are special needs.  MY child has special needs.

Of all people who helped me realize this, it is my one of my current bosses/supervisors.  Wait, I don't even think of my bosses as bosses or supervisors.  I love my job so much, and I love the people (and children) that I work with so much, I think of them as friends.  Anyway, it took one simple sentence from her that made it finally click.

I was in the interview for the job I ultimately took with the school district.  I was originally interviewing to be a before/after school Para for a fourth grade girl who was in a wheelchair.  Turns out that the girl's parents did not enroll her in before/after school care, BUT I was given a job as facilitator for the second grade group before school.

I digress.

In the interview, one of my supervisors asked if I was familiar with the work that a Para does.  I said that I had a little bit of knowledge.  I explained how my son started preschool in the district at age 3, and how he started because of his speech, OT and PT needs, and that he had access to a Para.  Somewhere along the line, I must have mentioned that he was diagnosed with Asperger's.  We got to talking about that, and at one point my (future) supervisor said "I understand what it is like to be the parent of a child with special needs.  My daughter has Down's Syndrome".

Huh???  Special needs???  Little Man taught himself to read at three.  He dresses himself.  He feeds himself.  He talks.  He is happy and healthy.  He doesn't have special needs.  I thought I was destined to work with children (especially preschoolers) with special needs.  But Little Man, special needs???  I did not see it.

I smiled politely and nodded...though I felt like I was punched in the gut.  I could not imagine what this woman goes through.  HER child was truly (what my definition of it was) special needs.  Her little girl needed help and compassion.  MY child is just another kid.

On the (less-than-five-minute) drive home, I realized it.  I knew that Little Man was "different" from other kids his age and that yes, he needed help with things {all-things-social}.  I guess you could say that he is special needs.  He has needs that are different than a typically-developing child.

So, for as smart and capable that Little Man and Little Miss M are, they have needs.  I have to reassure Little Man that "every little thing is gonna be alright" (to quote Bob Marley) and I can't be out of arm's reach {or take my eyes off for a second} of Little Miss M.

Little Man was seen by {yet another} psychologist that recommended "intense, outpatient therapy" to help him deal with his anxiety, fears, phobias and OCD.  I was not able to go to this appointment because of work (I couldn't get a sub who wanted to work with Little Miss M...this just so happened to be the day of The Bite, too).  Big Daddy said that the doctor asked him if we were going to "let this continue to rule our lives?" if we didn't consider the therapy for him.  Hmmm, I hadn't thought of it that way.  Really put it in perspective.

It is going to be a (continued) roller coaster ride.  I am going to grab on and enjoy it...if I can.

Love to All.

Monday, February 13, 2012

So I Took a Little Break...So What?!?!?

So I took a little break.  I faced it, and am moving on.  No excuses.  My heart hasn't been in it.  My mind hasn't been in it.  Right now, I am back to spinning all of those plates.  Blogging slipped by the wayside.  It is not ALL bad.  Promise.  I am working on some neat, new things that I am SUPER excited about.  Here is an overall update...

 Health ~ well, we have ALL been feeling kind of gross since the holidays.  I am chalking this up to the crazy weather we have had this winter.  Most of our days have been pretty mild, above freezing mostly, and we have (up until today) had barely two inches of snow.  Now, the temperatures can swing, and I think we just need a good freeze to "kill" the germs.  Maybe it is an old wives tale, but we have all been so sick this winter that I think we really DO need a freeze.  I'll take the warm temperatures, though.  The good thing is, Big Daddy hasn't been plagued by the cough/pneumonia that he seems to get every. single. year.  We have all been fighting colds, sinus problems, clogged/infected ears and sore throats.  Strep has been running rampant in the school, and I can't afford to get it again.  I have had it four times in the last month, and am afraid the next time I get it, my doctor will talk about taking the tonsils out. 
I was in the Emergency Room recently.  Nothing related to our icky sickies lately, but because of my monthly period.  Now, I have been getting my period since I was 11.  Yes, 11.  I have been dealing with it for quite. some. time. now.  I have never, ever experienced heavy bleeding like I did on Friday.  To spare the dreaded TMI, lets just say that I was passing blood clots.  Lots and lots of clots.   The size and quickness of these were shocking to me, enough for me to call Big Daddy (the man watched me give birth, I knew this would not bother him).  He was concerned enough to hand me the phone.  The nurse at the after-hours line was concerned enough to send me to the ER.  I checked out all right, just a case of Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding.  Nothing to worry about.  I have to follow up with my OB/GYN for an ultrasound.  Yay.  I seriously want to rule out anything serious...but I also want answers.  If it is anything more than a heavy period, this could explain a lot about how I have been feeling.
I have been talking with a co-worker (dare I say, friend) that I trust dearly, and have decided to go back to a therapist and psychiatrist to get me back on track with my meds.  The blog is kind of a big-picture to how things are going in my life.  If it feels too overwhelming, then I neglect it.  The house has been in worse shape, but I am no longer counting the "my house has been clean for X" days.  Big Daddy is helping a lot, but I feel so overwhelmed.

Because we are talking about a clean goes hand-in-hand with our "purging/packing like we are moving" blitz, because...well, we ARE moving.  I don't like it. 

Finances ~ We are working with our financial advisor to pay down a lot of our old debt.  This hurts.  We might have an opportunity to get a fairly-new (built in 2006, I believe) condo for a steal.  As much as I love this house, it won't be ours.  If the condo doesn't work out, we are working with a realtor to help us.  Lots of plates spinning here, but I am okay with this one.  Big Daddy is in charge of these plates.

Little Man ~ I feel like we are back to square one here.  We have an appointment with ANOTHER psychologist (in the same group as the one we saw before) this week.  We wanted someone a little closer to home.  Of course, we can't get him in to see a new neurologist in this group, because he is currently being seen by psychologists (???).  He is doing all right.  I just think that things could be so much better for him.

My work with Little Miss M ~ we are in a new classroom.  Yes, Little Miss M's mother moved her into a different classroom.  I have been pushing for this for months now, so I am excited to see where this takes her.  I could go into a whole other blogpost on this subject, and I will.  It has been a roller coaster couple of weeks, but it is SO worth it!!!

Disney News ~ I am not sure what "category" this falls under, but just last week, I was invited to participate in the Disney Parks InsidEARS.  What an honor to be named one of the first 1000 InsidEARS!!!  More details to come (I am getting tired).  The site is still in testing, but what it amounts to is that it is a forum for fans of Disney Parks to share ideas, tips and tricks.  No surprise here, but I am an "expert" in Disney's Hollywood Studios (my favorite park) and Disney Shopping.
I knew my love of Disney Dooney & Bourke purses would pay off!!!
I am very, VERY new to the InsideEARS, but am excited to share the journey with you.

That is about it.  Doesn't seem like a lot has been going on, but there really has been. 

Love to All.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Digging Deeper

Day 2: Tell Us About Your Father 

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

I love my father.  I always saw myself as a Daddy's Girl.  But I wasn't/am not.  I had to split that title with three other sisters.  Maybe that was my problem growing up (and now???).  I don't like to share.

Yeah, I'm kind of a brat like that.

My father always worked very hard.  He always gives 100%.  He loves children.  He is a kid at heart.

Everything I did do is with my father in mind.  Will he like it, will he hate it, how will he react??? 

And yes, my Daddy is the smartest man in the world.  Whenever Big Daddy and I have a debate about something or we question something, I always come out with "My Daddy says..."  My sister jokes that we need to write a book titled "My Daddy Says"...of course, since then there has been a book called {something along the lines of (I can't remember the exact title)} "Sh*t My Dad Says".  I think they may have even made a TV show based on it.  Ours wouldn't have a curse word in the title.  Heck, I don't even SAY curse words in front of my parents.

Seriously.  I don't.

I think what I can summarize is that whatever I do, it is {has always been} to please BOTH of my parents.  I think I have touched on this in therapy.  I am an adult, and I am still trying to make my parents happy.  I am trying to make my parents accept me.  I am trying to make my parents love me.

Wow.  Maybe I should get back into therapy.  I need to show my therapist these entries.

I told her {my therapist} that I often feel like a kid.  That family (parents, extended family, etc.) treat me like a child, still.  I can't shake that feeling that I am just a little girl...playing house...playing Mommy...playing my way through life.  I am not sure if that is stemmed from my need to please people. 

I am not sure when growing up is going to hit me. 

Okay, so I know this didn't touch on telling about my father...much like yesterday I didn't tell much about my mother.  Sure, I didn't write their autobiographies, but in writing my thoughts and questions, it sure makes me look at myself and my relationships. 

Relationships with others, and with myself.

Love to All.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Long Rambling Post...Much Like An Hour Of Therapy

So, I am trying to commit to the whole NaBloPoMo thing, because I think it will make me a better writer.  It will give me endurance; the endurance of writing each and every single day (or 18 out of 31 days).  It will give me a sense of community.  Because of my participation in NaBloPoMo, other bloggers worldwide will sing my praises.

Yeah, right.

I write for myself.  It is an outlet.  I am writing to get my feelings out.  I get my frustrations out.  I post good things.  I post bad things.  It is like a diary.  Daily life.  Secrets.  Fears.  Confessions.  Musings.  Observations.  B*tching.  I cover it all.

So, I think to myself, "You can totally do the blogging every day for a month thing this time around.  There are only 28 29 days in February".  I hopped on over to and checked out this month's topic.  It is "relative".  Okay, how hard could that be???

Day 1: Tell Us About Your Mother

What is this, therapy?!?!?

Oh yeah, it kind of is.

I am not going to go in too deep, but here goes...

I love my mother.  

Now that I am a mother, I appreciate what she went through, five times over. 

I still have a lot of questions about my childhood.  Nothing too bad.  Just want to know if my mother struggled with the same things that I do.  

I want to know what made my mom do some of the things she did.  What is her relationship with her mother really like???  As an adult and mother, I am thinking it is not all it is cracked up to be.

I want to know if my mother was disappointed.  Disappointed in her kids, her life, her situation, whatever.  I know my mother loves my father, but growing up, I did not see a lot of affection.  It is almost like, all the kids are grown up and out of the house, so my parents finally had a chance to "get to know one another".  Weird.  

My mom is a lot more easygoing now than she was when we were growing up.  She is a great Grandmother.  It kind of makes me sad.  Not that my childhood was bad, by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes me a little sad to see my mom so animated and *fun* with my son and my nephews.  I don't know. 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  My mom has done a lot for me.  She helps me when I need it, and I know she would do anything for me (and Little Man and Big Daddy) and she is a good woman.  I just have a lot of questions.

First:  Why did she put me on a diet when I was barely nine years old???  I look back at pictures, and don't see a fat kid.  I might not have been the same size as my classmates, but I wasn't fat.  I know she did Weight Watchers back in the early days (I remember her eating a lot of cottage cheese and tuna), and looking back she didn't need to lose weight, either.  Where did this come from???  I think this has a lot to do with my unhealthy relationship with food.  She used to "hide" all of the good food from me (but had no problem giving it to my younger, cuter, smaller sisters).  Of course, that meant when I had my first taste of freedom, I would buy (and eat) whatever I wanted.

The first taste of freedom was also where I learned to throw up when I ate too much, spit out food instead of swallowing it (I just wanted to taste it) and where I learned to hide and sneak my own food and eating.

Okay.  Seems pretty heavy and negative.  I love my mom.  I truly do.  I just apparently have questions (and issues) with some stuff from when I was little.  Hanging heavy on my mind for the past 30-ish years.  Don't mean to sound so negative, but these are some of the things that I need to work out with my mother.  I just don't see it happening.  My family loves one another, and we have a good time, and we get along great...

We just don't talk about a lot of things.

Love to All.