Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Long Rambling Post...Much Like An Hour Of Therapy

So, I am trying to commit to the whole NaBloPoMo thing, because I think it will make me a better writer.  It will give me endurance; the endurance of writing each and every single day (or 18 out of 31 days).  It will give me a sense of community.  Because of my participation in NaBloPoMo, other bloggers worldwide will sing my praises.

Yeah, right.

I write for myself.  It is an outlet.  I am writing to get my feelings out.  I get my frustrations out.  I post good things.  I post bad things.  It is like a diary.  Daily life.  Secrets.  Fears.  Confessions.  Musings.  Observations.  B*tching.  I cover it all.

So, I think to myself, "You can totally do the blogging every day for a month thing this time around.  There are only 28 29 days in February".  I hopped on over to and checked out this month's topic.  It is "relative".  Okay, how hard could that be???

Day 1: Tell Us About Your Mother

What is this, therapy?!?!?

Oh yeah, it kind of is.

I am not going to go in too deep, but here goes...

I love my mother.  

Now that I am a mother, I appreciate what she went through, five times over. 

I still have a lot of questions about my childhood.  Nothing too bad.  Just want to know if my mother struggled with the same things that I do.  

I want to know what made my mom do some of the things she did.  What is her relationship with her mother really like???  As an adult and mother, I am thinking it is not all it is cracked up to be.

I want to know if my mother was disappointed.  Disappointed in her kids, her life, her situation, whatever.  I know my mother loves my father, but growing up, I did not see a lot of affection.  It is almost like, all the kids are grown up and out of the house, so my parents finally had a chance to "get to know one another".  Weird.  

My mom is a lot more easygoing now than she was when we were growing up.  She is a great Grandmother.  It kind of makes me sad.  Not that my childhood was bad, by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes me a little sad to see my mom so animated and *fun* with my son and my nephews.  I don't know. 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  My mom has done a lot for me.  She helps me when I need it, and I know she would do anything for me (and Little Man and Big Daddy) and she is a good woman.  I just have a lot of questions.

First:  Why did she put me on a diet when I was barely nine years old???  I look back at pictures, and don't see a fat kid.  I might not have been the same size as my classmates, but I wasn't fat.  I know she did Weight Watchers back in the early days (I remember her eating a lot of cottage cheese and tuna), and looking back she didn't need to lose weight, either.  Where did this come from???  I think this has a lot to do with my unhealthy relationship with food.  She used to "hide" all of the good food from me (but had no problem giving it to my younger, cuter, smaller sisters).  Of course, that meant when I had my first taste of freedom, I would buy (and eat) whatever I wanted.

The first taste of freedom was also where I learned to throw up when I ate too much, spit out food instead of swallowing it (I just wanted to taste it) and where I learned to hide and sneak my own food and eating.

Okay.  Seems pretty heavy and negative.  I love my mom.  I truly do.  I just apparently have questions (and issues) with some stuff from when I was little.  Hanging heavy on my mind for the past 30-ish years.  Don't mean to sound so negative, but these are some of the things that I need to work out with my mother.  I just don't see it happening.  My family loves one another, and we have a good time, and we get along great...

We just don't talk about a lot of things.

Love to All.

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