Monday, August 15, 2011

...a kick in the big, fat, gut... I had a doctor's appointment get a skin tag on my neck removed.  Pretty routine.  I have had the tag for the better part of ten years, and it really hasn't bothered me, until recently.  I get pretty tired of the preschoolers pointing at my neck and asking "what is that???".  It has also been getting caught in Little Miss M's hair when she sits in my lap...OUCH!!!  My General Practitioner was able to remove it in his office...the "procedure" was super-fast, it took longer for me to get comfortable in the chair than it did to get the tag removed.  Pretty painless...taking the Band-Aid off of my neck will probably hurt most of all!!! 

No, the procedure was pretty painless...the most painful part was stepping on the scale.

I dread the scale.  I loathe the scale.  Sometimes I love the scale.  I obsess over the scale.

Today, I hopped on the scale, feeling pretty confident.  Not that I thought I had lost a great deal of weight or anything, but I was expecting to see a better number than I last saw...I figured I probably lost a pound or two...eating somewhat better and all of the activity I get chasing around Little Miss M at had to account for something, right?!?!?

I have gained four pounds.

I now weigh more than I did when I delivered Little Man.  I am 25 pounds heavier than I was when I had Little Man.  That was seven years ago.

The number scares me.  The number terrifies me.  I feel it.  I am tired.  Something has to change.  I am not good with this, this is how I got here.  I can do it, I have done it before...but I am not good at it.  Even as much as I was scared when I saw the number, what did I do tonight???  Yeah, a Happy Meal, Jack in the Box tacos and a big ol' Diet Coke.  Procrastination, I am really, really good at.

Oh, my head is spinning.  Let's see how tomorrow goes.  First step, setting the alarm to be out the door at 5:15 am to get to the gym.  Seeing as it is seven hours from now, I am not holding my breath...but will hope for the best.

Love to All. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

What A Way To Waste A Day...Really, Not In A Good Way...

...lazy Sunday...they can be good...they can be was, what felt like a good one...but it turned bad...

First off, The Husband and I were (kind of) awoken to Little Man..."I'm hungry, so I'm going to make my own biscuit"...I said, "That's fine...if you need help, let me know"...rolled over, and dozed back off...I thought it was around 7:30...surprised that Little Man was so hungry so early, but he is usually up and eating on a school day...and he is an early riser anyway...a few minutes later, Little Man came in our room again... "Mommy, I can't get the straw in my juice pouch...can you help me???".  I helped him and rolled over to go back to sleep...when The Husband says "No wonder he is hungry, it is 11:30"...11:30?!?!?  Really?!?!?  We must have been wiped out, because it is rare that we both sleep that late...that got the day off to a pretty pukey start...

It took a lot for me to get going...a muffin for breakfast and some playing around on the computer...okay, maybe a lot of playing around on the computer...because all of a sudden, it was like 3:30...what a way to waste a day!!!  Nothing good.  At this precise moment, The Husband decided to ream me up and down about my lack of motivation and not wanting to do anything.  THAT is the way to motivate someone who is already struggling...

I understand that The Husband is truly frustrated, and he usually says very little...but he just does not understand that you don't "motivate" someone struggling with depression and anxiety by telling them everything they are doing wrong.  It shuts me down each and every time.  I did eventually get some laundry done, cleaned a counter in the kitchen and unloaded/loaded the dishwasher.  Not a lot, obviously...but to me, it is better than nothing.

We had a very late lunch, Subway, it kind of started the whole "you don't do anything" discussion...we were not hungry for dinner so we ate nachos while watching the WWE "SummerSlam" pay-per-view.  Not healthy or balanced, but just enough.  I have groceries to make dinners all I just need the motivation!!! 

This is gearing up to be a busy week...

Monday ~ work (7:45 am - 12:30 pm), Doctors Appointment (1:40) to finally have the skin tag on my neck removed!!!, back to work (3:45 - 5:15), swim lessons for Little Man (6:00 pm). 

Tuesday ~ work (7:45 am - 4:45 pm), Professional Development for work (6:30 pm - 8:30 pm).  Little Man was supposed to have his "Exerfun" exercise class this evening, but we have to miss it.  He will be at my parents while I am in training. 

Wednesday ~ work (7:45 am - 12:30 pm, then again 3:45 pm - 5:15 pm).  It is also Little Man's 7th birthday, so we might try to do something special, even though The Husband has to work...

Thursday and Friday ~ work

Little Man's birthday party is next Sunday.  It is at our local bowling alley, so there is not a whole lot I have to do in preparation for it.  The cake is ordered, we have all of the WWE themed-balloons (I have to blow them up, but that won't be a big deal) and centerpieces and treat boxes.  I don't know WHAT to put inside these treat boxes...I figure there will be a trip or two to Target this week in search of party favors.  I detest the cheap plastic favors that kids seem to accumulate...but I don't want to spend an arm and a leg, either...

So a lot going on...I see some Happy Meal dinners in our future, but I am going to try my best to actually MAKE something...actually DO something...I like trying new recipes when I can (as long as they are easy, and not filled with "weird" ingredients)...and I do like the satisfaction of seeing a clean countertop or having folded laundry, ready to wear...or not have to call Little Man to bring me a roll of toilet paper when I need some!!!  Small is all I can do...

I know it isn't exciting, but it is my life...

Love to All.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't know what to call this one...

Yes, it was just another day...I am really trying to get back into the routine of life is not exciting, my life is not adventurous, my life is not is just my life...the story of a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a preschool assistant, a chauffeur, a chef, a baker, a bookkeeper, a referee, a nurse, a housekeeper, a dreamer and a doer...those are just some of the "hats" that I claim to wear...I don't even wear all of them very well, but I wear them.  Nope, it is not exciting, but it helps me to get it all out. 

I am back to juggling a lot...back to working full time...the last year has been a lot of fun, but not very productive.  Okay, the last year may not have even been a lot of fun...dealing with a lot of depression, a lot of depression that I did not get help for.  It is a vicious circle, but I am trying to take control again.  Small steps.  Yes, my house is still a mess...yes, Little Man and I eat McDonald's Happy Meals more often than not...yes, I still prefer sitting on my couch playing on my laptop to going to the gym and working out...yes, I still like the (tiny) rush that I get when I walk into Target...I still have all sorts of stuff that I am working on, but I have to take things one day at a time.

Working full time has exhausted me this week.  Working 34 hours with "Miss M" keeps me busy.  She reminds me SO MUCH of Little Man when he was three and four years old...except, she has SO much more energy than Little Man did.  She is very impulsive.  I know the last couple of weeks have been hard on her, back to preschool, back to a different routine, starting services at another school, riding a bus three days a week, and on top of things, her mother is going to have a baby any day now!!!  She is having a hard time adapting, but that is where her therapists and teachers come in.  I am just support.  I don't freak out when she bites, kicks and hits me.  I know it is not right, and the preschool coordinators know about her actions, but I know in her little world, that is the only way she knows how to cope.

Speaking of coping, Little Man started back to school this week, himself.  He started first grade.  It has only been a week, but I have been getting glowing reviews from everyone at school.  I am so grateful that I work at his school!!!  I am thankful that he is adapting so well (so far) has been a challenging summer.  His latest "actions" are to make himself throw up.  No, I am not joking.  When he gets upset about something, or thinks that we are upset with him, he vomits.  I wish I were kidding.  I spoke to his Case Manager at school, and she is concerned.  He also threatens to "harm" himself.  I say "harm" is not in a super-hurtful way, usually something like "I am going to hit my head, I am so mad"...nothing that can hurt him too badly.  Of course, I am sure it could escalate into something worse, that is why we are trying to nip this in the bud.  We are trying to get him into a new Pediatric Neurologist, not that we were not happy with his current Neurologist...we like him a lot...problem is that he does not accept our current insurance.  I have been trying to get in contact with the Neurologist that our Pediatrician recommended, and I have been trying for a month now.  By the time I get an appointment to see this Neurologist, our new insurance (it is open enrollment right now) will kick in and Little Man will be able to see his current Neurologist again...arugghhhh!!!

The gym will be part of my routine starting Monday.  Okay, so I HOPE the gym will be part of my routine again.  It has to be part of my routine again.

So, today was pretty uneventful...Costco, coupon clipping, wasting a lot of time on the computer...I did make dinner (go, me!!!).  Now, I am not going ever claim to be a chef...but I will take my small victories.  Tonight, I made "Quick Pasta Carbonara" from kraft.  I tweaked the recipe a bit...but here goes...

1/2 lb. fettuccine (we had Angel Hair Pasta, just used that)
4 slices  OSCAR MAYER Bacon, chopped (I used Oscar Mayer Real Bacon Bits Recipe Pieces)
4 oz. (1/2 of 8-oz. pkg.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, cubed (I used a whole block)
1 cup  frozen peas (I increased to 2 cups)
3/4 cup milk (I doubled to 1 1/2 cups)
1/2 cup  KRAFT Grated Parmesan Cheese (increased to 1 cup)
1/2 tsp. garlic powder (liberally used garlic salt)
Here are the real directions...I just throw all of the ingredients in a pan and heat through until everything is melted!!!
  COOK pasta as directed on package. Meanwhile, cook bacon in large skillet until crisp. Remove bacon from skillet with slotted spoon, reserving 2 Tbsp. drippings in skillet. Drain bacon on paper towels.
ADD remaining ingredients to reserved drippings; cook on low heat until cream cheese is melted and mixture is well blended and heated through.
DRAIN pasta; place in large bowl. Add cream cheese sauce and bacon; mix lightly. 

Not the healthiest meal out there, but it is always popular...I can try it again with a whole wheat Angel Hair pasta (we don't mind whole wheat) and the 1/3 less fat cream cheese...I don't know how to make the bacon any better...maybe turkey bacon???   

So much to still catch up on...the whole are we moving to Florida debate?!?!?  Yeah, that changes every day.  Trying to go back to school?!?!?  Ummm, I am on "academic suspension" from almost TWENTY years ago!!!  Oh, and we haven't had my car in over a week because it needs $2300 worth of repair!!!  So much going on in my life, I want to be able to still take a shot at blogging it...maybe someday I will be an "inspiration" to someone who is going through all that I am going through...until then, I will take the small victories, take my lumps, celebrate or mope...things are finally going my way...and I want to ride this roller coaster as long as I can!!!

Love to All.