Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Chairs, Wooden Decks and Basement Stairs...Oh My!!!

I celebrated a birthday almost two weeks ago.  I have been meaning to sit down and write this post for awhile.

Let's just say that I haven't hit a "milestone" yet, but I am dangerously close.

I am going to be 40 in less than a year.

This should be no surprise to me.

I am not afraid of 40.  30 did not bother me.  25 was hard, but 30 was nothing.

When I turned 30, I was happy.  I had very little to worry about.  I was living in Florida {where the sun shines every day, right?!?!?} I was working for Disney.  I was engaged.  I was carefree.  I was truly happy.

I am not sure what happened.

I am happy, but I am not 100%.

Depression is ugly.  I *think* I have a handle on the anxiety.  The mood swings, the extreme highs and lows...not so lucky.

Not only do I struggle with depression like I never have before, but my weight is a huge issue.

Perhaps my weight has something to do with the depression.  {you think???}

I now weigh more than the average WWE Wrestler.

Have you seen those guys?!?!?  They are huge.  Believe me, I don't look near as good as they do.

I am scared.

Not scared of dying or anything {though I really, am...but not about dying because I am fat, if you can believe that}.  I am scared of breaking things.

Chairs TERRIFY me. 

Back after Little Man was born, I went to a dear friends house.  She had moved back in with her parents, it was a home that I had been in many times over the past 20+ years.  The house was comfortable and familiar.

Or so I thought.

I felt like a giant in this house.  Super-weird.

I sat on one of their chairs (the same chairs I sat on for years and years and years).  They were rolling-type kitchen chairs.

I popped a wheel off.

My friend said it happened all of the time, because of the age of the set.

I think she was being polite.

Mind you, I have put on about 50 lbs since Little Man was born.  So about 50 lbs since this chair incident.

We went to my sister's house for a barbecue over this Memorial Day weekend.

I couldn't enjoy myself for fear that I would break one of her dining room chairs.

Or the deck.

She has a small wooden deck leading to her backyard from her back door.  Five wooden steps.

I hate that deck.

It wobbles.

I also hate basement stairs.  My stairs are okay.  They are exposed, so they are reinforced and carpeted.  I don't like regular basement stairs.

I hate the thoughts that are in my head.  I hate that I can TOTALLY see these thoughts paralyzing me one of these days.  I hate that my weight is holding me back.

So where am I going with this???

I am determined to lose #40by40.

Yes.  40 lbs lost in a year.

I can do it.

I have done it before.

Love to all.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Finishing One Chapter, Starting Another...

Tomorrow is going to be a weird day.

The last day of preschool for Little Miss M.

Kind of bittersweet.  I have been with her since she started preschool a year and a half ago.

Way back when she was three.

She has grown SO much and she has come a long way.

She has wonderful parents {her mom is amazing} and they are supportive in what is going on.

She is ready for kindergarten.

I hope she does okay over the summer.  I am afraid of being out of school for more than two months is going to make back-to-school rough.

I had to step back and make a pretty tough decision.  I was asked if I wanted to continue taking care of Little Miss M when she goes on to kindergarten.

I said no.

I needed to step back and think about what would be best for her.  She is ready to move on.  She needs someone new.  Yes, kids like Little Miss M and my own Little Man thrive on routine and familiarity.  They don't like when things don't go as planned, or as expected. 

I think she will benefit from leaving preschool behind and moving forward to kindergarten.

Now, I won't tell you that transitioning to kindergarten won't be rough for her.  I have a feeling her teacher, parents, new para, everyone involved will be learning a lot about her over the first few weeks.

She might bite.  She might hit.  She might stab with scissors.

But she might not.  She hasn't done that in a long time.

She is growing up.

She will do just fine.

Even if that means leaving me behind.

She needs a new voice and a new pair of eyes.

She needs to spread her wings.

I hope I do as well as she is going to.

I think I'll be okay.

I took on a part-time position {27 hours} working one-on-one with a special needs kindergartener.

This means I can go back to school.

One step at a time.

Love to All.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I'm back...I Took the Time Off to Study (yeah, that is my story...)

I don't even know where to begin.

I am a hot mess.

There has been a lot going on in the last month or so since I've sat down and blogged.

I have lots of great blogs. {in my head)

Things are slowing down.  Just a little bit.

I am getting back into the whole social media thing.  Twitter.  Facebook (never left, really).  Pinterest (haven't left there, either).  Instagram (my new favorite.  Watch out.)

I passed my Para Praxis yesterday.  That takes the pressure off.  I passed with 480.  They never really gave me a grading scale, just that in order to pass, you had to score 458.  Of course, I Googled it, and apparently 480 is the highest you could score.  I was confused, because I missed a few questions according to my preliminary results.

Whatever.  I don't care.  I passed.

Now, in my head, I was supposed to study every. single. night.

Didn't happen.

I pinned about 387 pins to my various Pinterest boards.

In one night.

Didn't study at all.

That's how I roll.

If everything else in my life worked so neatly.

Can I start pinning crap, and my house becomes instantly clean?!?!?

A girl can dream

Love to All.