Chairs, Wooden Decks and Basement Stairs...Oh My!!!

I celebrated a birthday almost two weeks ago.  I have been meaning to sit down and write this post for awhile.

Let's just say that I haven't hit a "milestone" yet, but I am dangerously close.

I am going to be 40 in less than a year.

This should be no surprise to me.

I am not afraid of 40.  30 did not bother me.  25 was hard, but 30 was nothing.

When I turned 30, I was happy.  I had very little to worry about.  I was living in Florida {where the sun shines every day, right?!?!?} I was working for Disney.  I was engaged.  I was carefree.  I was truly happy.

I am not sure what happened.

I am happy, but I am not 100%.

Depression is ugly.  I *think* I have a handle on the anxiety.  The mood swings, the extreme highs and lows...not so lucky.

Not only do I struggle with depression like I never have before, but my weight is a huge issue.

Perhaps my weight has something to do with the depression.  {you think???}

I now weigh more than the average WWE Wrestler.

Have you seen those guys?!?!?  They are huge.  Believe me, I don't look near as good as they do.

I am scared.

Not scared of dying or anything {though I really, am...but not about dying because I am fat, if you can believe that}.  I am scared of breaking things.

Chairs TERRIFY me. 

Back after Little Man was born, I went to a dear friends house.  She had moved back in with her parents, it was a home that I had been in many times over the past 20+ years.  The house was comfortable and familiar.

Or so I thought.

I felt like a giant in this house.  Super-weird.

I sat on one of their chairs (the same chairs I sat on for years and years and years).  They were rolling-type kitchen chairs.

I popped a wheel off.

My friend said it happened all of the time, because of the age of the set.

I think she was being polite.

Mind you, I have put on about 50 lbs since Little Man was born.  So about 50 lbs since this chair incident.

We went to my sister's house for a barbecue over this Memorial Day weekend.

I couldn't enjoy myself for fear that I would break one of her dining room chairs.

Or the deck.

She has a small wooden deck leading to her backyard from her back door.  Five wooden steps.

I hate that deck.

It wobbles.

I also hate basement stairs.  My stairs are okay.  They are exposed, so they are reinforced and carpeted.  I don't like regular basement stairs.

I hate the thoughts that are in my head.  I hate that I can TOTALLY see these thoughts paralyzing me one of these days.  I hate that my weight is holding me back.

So where am I going with this???

I am determined to lose #40by40.

Yes.  40 lbs lost in a year.

I can do it.

I have done it before.


Love to all.