Thursday, December 31, 2009

Thursday ~ Circus Day Circus Day is the hardest of the Mickey Mouse Club Days of the Week for me to pump out...but I am committing to blogging so I have to get it done...

I can focus on how my life is akin to a circus!!!  The past five years have been a blur.  So much has happened to me.  Some good, some not so great.  I have evolved as a mother, wife, daughter and woman.  Five years ago, I was pregnant with Michael.  He was not planned, but we were thrilled!!!  We did not know what to expect.  Michael came, and my sister helped out immensely.  I don't know how I could have made it through those first few months without her, and without Mike.  Thing was, he was working Amy helped me out when I seemed to need it most.  Looking back, I probably suffered from post-partum depression.  I wanted to be super-mom, but could not admit that I needed help.

As Michael got older, the less I could cope.  Mike was still working weird hours and Michael just kept pulling away further and further.  His routines became more and more regiminted (sp???).  He did not talk, he did not want to play or interact...he just wanted to be by his Mommy, I did not understand what was going on.  Thank God I have been his biggest advocate.  We knew something was "wrong" when he lost all vocabulary at 18 months.  What did I do to make my baby this way???  What did I do wrong???  I could not cope, especially when his routines got out of control...they controlled me and they controlled Michael.  Because I could not cope, the panic attacks began.  This is where the medication also began.  I was put on anti-anxiety meds at this point.  I started turning to food for comfort.  Food did not have a routine, the food did not get frustrated if it tried to talk, the food did not scream and kick.  The food was nice and quiet and calmed me down.  Just me and the food, Mike was away and the baby couldn't be helped.  The depression got worse.  Again, what did I do to make my baby this way???  If you can believe it, the diagnosis of Aspergers that came when he turned four was a blessing...a relief.  Everyone suspected it all along...but when it was put in concrete, it finally gave us a plan of action...

Talking to a therapist has helped...however, more and more crap is coming out.  I am now on antidepressants and Abilify to help with the antidepressant and mood swings.  I was recently diagnosed as bi-polar.  This has also been a blessing.  Now I can cope with all of the crap that I have been covering up for years.  I truly believe that the layers and layers of fat on my body are covering something up.  I do have to get to the bottom of this...and I will.  That is one of my resolves this continue my therapy, to stay consistently on my meds and lose the weight safely. 

Yes, the past few years can be compared to a circus...but I'll take it...I am who I am.  Love me or hate me, I am working on making me the best me that I can be.

Love to All. 

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