Sunday, December 13, 2009

My God...

I think I really have a problem.  If I am not eating, then I am sleeping...if I am not sleeping, then I am working out...if I am not working out, then I am spending money.  Today was money spending day.  You see, the problem is...I don't have it.  I don't have any to spare.  Savings is depleted.  We are literally paycheck to paycheck to paycheck.  I don't know how I am going to pay the bills, other than taking this stuff back.  I feel so shameful when I am taking stuff back.  I don't know why. 

I did not take my meds today.  I woke up early, and had nothing to do, so I went shopping.  Went to Walmart and filled my cart up.  I had every intenion of making it to the gym before I picked up Little Man from my sisters this afternoon...instead, I got my Aunt her Christmas gifts at, downloaded an album on iTunes and made a "free" photo book (at a mere $4 and change when it was said and done).  Okay, so of the things I bought at Walmart, we did not need a single bit of it...I just thought that I "had" to get my Christmas shopping done.  The gift from probably could have waited.  The album from iTunes, thought that I had to have it because it was Volume 2 and I already had Volume 1.  I HAD to have this case I "missed" getting it.  You know, it could have been Limited Edition or something.  The photo book was a hot mess from the get-go.  Yes, I had a code for a free photo book, but it was a ten photo book.  I wanted 20.  You also had to pay shipping and handling.  That is all and good.  It was a good deal...could have made a great gift...HOWEVER this is the second photo book I made from the SAME photos...and I have all of these pictures on my computer AND have printed them out already. 

On my way to picking up Little Man, I stopped at Target to get the LAST item off of Little Man's Christmas list...this was a good thing, as when I checked online it was not available at 99% of the stores in a 20 mile radius...and it seems I got the last one, AND it was on sale.  I can live with this purchase...BUT I also bought a sweater for myself and a gift from my nephew.  The gift for my nephew could have waited...but again, I thought I HAD to get my Christmas shopping done.  Now the sweater is another story...I have a million.  I have two FULL closets and a mess of clothes in the basement.  I am ashamed.  Little Man has a stuffed closet full of clothes, not to mention toys.  My kitchen is ALWAYS stocked...with even numbers of food (can't have odd numbers in my house) and they are all neatly arranged.  I think that I always have food on hand because I am afraid of running out.  What would we do if we ran out of money???  What would we do for food???  Who cares about electricty and water and tv...I have food.  Our bellies will be full.

I also went to another Target where I bought two more sweaters and another Walmart where I bought a cartload of CRAP.  Crap.  I can't believe it.  I feel horrible.  Sick to my stomach.

Is this because I did not take my meds this morning???  Did I do this because I am sad or bored???  What sort of void am I trying to fill???  Because I am losing weight???  Because I could not workout???  Why am I doing this???

I am a Hoarder.  Not the kind of Hoarder that you see on TV, where they are living in trash and filth.  I am a relatively clean person...I keep myself neat and house is cluttered but clean.  It is cluttered with STUFF that I have.  I can get rid of stuff, that is not a problem...the problem is all that I bring in.

Something I have to work on...and I don't know the next time I see my therapist.  I do see my psycharitist next week, so maybe my meds need to be changed...I don't know.  We will see.  I just have to take it one day at a time.  *sigh*

On a positive note, I have been sticking to my goal of working out at least four out of seven days.  I have stayed On Plan all along.  I am doing well with my diet, just not my finances or obsessive need for stuff.  I need help.

1 comment:

  1. I do the same thing. I went to Target the other night to get the New Harry Potter Movie. I got 2 candles, some potty wipes, a new zip up hoodie (6 bucks and I forgot mine at home) a bunch of stocking stuffers, 2 new stockings, 2 lego sets for James, candy, a new scene it game, a box of ZBars AND the movie..... When I check out.... 114.00 bucks!!! GOOD LORD! Dont fret! we all make bad choices like this sometimes! we rationalize it at the time and know we shouldnt but we do anyway! I Love you Lots~!! xxooxxoo