Tuesday, November 3, 2009

...whatever happened...

...I often find myself wondering whatever happened....

...whatever happened to the girl who was not held back???

...whatever happened to the girl who did not need prescriptions to get her through her day???

....whatever happened to the girl who knew food was for nourishment, not for comfort, boredom or soothing???

...whatever happened to the girl who used to be full of life and fun, who had drive and ambition???

I have been doing some reflection lately.  It comes, from of ALL places, the innocent flirting from a man who comes into my place of business.  Sure, the days he comes in, he makes me feel like a million bucks...what a compliment for a woman who...let's be realistic here...has the mindset that I do.  I mean, I am a hot mess!!!  ;) 

When he pays me the least bit of attention, I wonder why.  Why I am I deserving of this???  Surely, it is because he never sees me from the waist down.  If he did, he would be repulsed.  I certainly am.  He is just being nice as a facade, he is going to turn and make fun of me for being fat or stupid.  I have felt that way for years...no man was ever interested in me...they would lead me on, and then make fun of me.  Mind you, this was all what played out in my HEAD.  No guy I have ever dated ever made fun of me or ever called me fat or stupid.  I always imagined that happening.

Now, please don't get me wrong...he comes in, we chat and I take care of business.  That is all.  I am devoted to my husband...no matter how batty he drives me.  :)  I just wonder why anybody, let alone an attractive man, would give me the time of day.

The old me would never have wondered this.  As I put on weight, is it a security blanket???  Is my weight supposed to keep the rest of the world away???  I just wonder.  I don't go out anymore, I don't even want to go to family functions...and I love my family.  I make whatever excuse NOT to go out.  That is not me.  I used to go out, I used to have a good time, I used to dance on tables for heavens sake!!!  Now I barely have the motivation to get out of bed most mornings.  There have been times that I have kept my son home from preschool because getting him there is too much effort!!!  What kind of mother does that???  The worst kind. 

I put on a good show.  I dress nice, keep my hair neat and ALWAYS wear my makeup.  I look as good as I can on the outside, but my inside is crumbling. 

I go back to the doctor tomorrow to get the meds straightened out again.  I had to stop one of the last ones because it made me break out...and could have lead to a fatal rash.  Great.  I hate having to be on these meds.  I know if I am not, then I would be even more of a mess.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  Tomorrow is a new day and we will see how I am feeling about things then.  Of course, with me...I could be walking on sunshine again, and the world will be all rainbows and happiness!!!  I am just having one of those days!!!

Sorry if I bring you down when you read this, but this is really what goes on in my mind...and I have to be honest with myself.

Love to all.  :)

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