...okay...so I was catching up on the blog of a very dear Disney Friend who I have "met" via the twitterverse/facebook world. Her blog is auroraboriealice.blogspot.com. She and I are similar in many ways. I enjoy getting to know her...she is a lot of fun, and I just know this from communicating online!!!
Anyway, I digress.
While I was catching up on Aurora's blog...I accidentally hit "next blog". I ended up hitting next blog for like a hundred posts and EVERY single blog was about a perfect family, with perfect children (in most cases, multiple children), in a perfect world, with perfect husbands, enjoying their perfect stay-at-home lives, with beautiful professional portraits and cute layouts. Seriously, are SAHM's the only ones who blog out there??? Who determines what blogs come "next"??? Is someone of a higher internet power trying to rub it in my face that I am NOT perfect??? That there are some days where I would love to shovel a whole sleeve of Oreo cookies in my face??? That there are some days were I would rather sit on the couch in my stretchy pants watching "Law and Order SVU" rather than doing housework or going to the gym. That I forget to pay the water or electric bill, but have no problem going to Target or Old Navy and draining my savings???
Seriously, why am I being shown all of these blogs about everyone with their perfect lives???
I feel inferior.
Yes, I have been blessed with a beautiful son...but why don't I have another baby??? Why do I get one, some get none and some get dozens??? I get so sad and down about it. I can't beat myself up over it. I have to focus on what I have, not what I want. Do I want a second chance??? Do I think that somehow having a second baby will make up for the fact that I feel like I am a horrible Mommy to Michael??? Is that really going to make me feel better??? Is that going to make my marriage better???
Yesterday, I actually said that I thought Michael got the short end of the stick by having me as a Mommy. What would make me feel that way??? Maybe because there are some days where I can't muster the strength to get up out of bed??? Is it because I feel that I can't get through my day sometimes??? Is it because some days I want to go back to "the way it was"...when I was younger, prettier, thinner, more popular??? Before I met Mike, before I got married, before I had Michael??? Was life really better before??? Is it because I feel that somehow, someway I am responsible for Michael being the way he is??? Is it that I feel guilty because I have been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications since I had Michael??? Is it because feel that I can't cope??? Is it because there are days that I don't feel that I deserve such a sweet little boy and that I don't deserve the love that he gives me???
Yeah, I know I am pretty messed up. My thinking is all messed up.
Sorry that this is not a sunshine and happiness post...BUT that is who I am. I am a human being, with lumps and bumps and stray hairs that I have to pluck from my chin!!!
I am a Mommy who has given her son Diet Coke instead of milk, I am a Mommy who microwaves chicken nuggets and Easy Mac and calls it dinner, I am a Mommy whose son knows the lyrics to the "Family Guy" theme better than "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". I am THAT Mommy. BUT I am a Mommy who loves her little boy, who wants to make his life better, who wants to protect him and make life easier on him. A Mommy who tucks her son in bed most nights and still checks to make sure he is breathing while he is sleeping. I am a Mommy who kisses boo-boos and bakes cookies (albeit refrigerated dough). I am the Mommy who helps Little Man with his "thankful feather" for his preschool turkey. I am the Mommy who simply blows up a balloon and we bat it around, telling each other what we are thankful for. He always starts out saying Mommy, and Mommy always starts out saying Michael. I am the Mommy who would give my right arm for my son, and the Mommy who would throw herself infront of a moving bus for her son.
Yes. I deserve the love that my Little Man gives me. I can't change the past, I can't fix the imperfections that I "think" happened the first few years of his life. I can try to be the best Mommy I can be. Okay, so I don't have a perfect layout with perfectly posed pictures with matchy-match outfits and gleaming smiles. No, I just have words and a picture of my Little Man. The only thing that matters in my life.