Wednesday, November 18, 2009

...seriously??? I was catching up on the blog of a very dear Disney Friend who I have "met" via the twitterverse/facebook world.  Her blog is  She and I are similar in many ways.  I enjoy getting to know her...she is a lot of fun, and I just know this from communicating online!!!

Anyway, I digress.

While I was catching up on Aurora's blog...I accidentally hit "next blog".  I ended up hitting next blog for like a hundred posts and EVERY single blog was about a perfect family, with perfect children (in most cases, multiple children), in a perfect world, with perfect husbands, enjoying their perfect stay-at-home lives, with beautiful professional portraits and cute layouts.  Seriously, are SAHM's the only ones who blog out there???  Who determines what blogs come "next"???  Is someone of a higher internet power trying to rub it in my face that I am NOT perfect???  That there are some days where I would love to shovel a whole sleeve of Oreo cookies in my face???  That there are some days were I would rather sit on the couch in my stretchy pants watching "Law and Order SVU" rather than doing housework or going to the gym.  That I forget to pay the water or electric bill, but have no problem going to Target or Old Navy and draining my savings??? 

Seriously, why am I being shown all of these blogs about everyone with their perfect lives??? 

I feel inferior.

Yes, I have been blessed with a beautiful son...but why don't I have another baby???  Why do I get one, some get none and some get dozens???  I get so sad and down about it.  I can't beat myself up over it.  I have to focus on what I have, not what I want.  Do I want a second chance???  Do I think that somehow having a second baby will make up for the fact that I feel like I am a horrible Mommy to Michael???  Is that really going to make me feel better???  Is that going to make my marriage better??? 

Yesterday, I actually said that I thought Michael got the short end of the stick by having me as a Mommy.  What would make me feel that way???  Maybe because there are some days where I can't muster the strength to get up out of bed???  Is it because I feel that I can't get through my day sometimes???  Is it because some days I want to go back to "the way it was"...when I was younger, prettier, thinner, more popular???  Before I met Mike, before I got married, before I had Michael???  Was life really better before???  Is it because I feel that somehow, someway I am responsible for Michael being the way he is???  Is it that I feel guilty because I have been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications since I had Michael???  Is it because  feel that I can't cope???  Is it because there are days that I don't feel that I deserve such a sweet little boy and that I don't deserve the love that he gives me???

Yeah, I know I am pretty messed up.  My thinking is all messed up.

Sorry that this is not a sunshine and happiness post...BUT that is who I am.  I am a human being, with lumps and bumps and stray hairs that I have to pluck from my chin!!! 

I am a Mommy who has given her son Diet Coke instead of milk, I am a Mommy who microwaves chicken nuggets and Easy Mac and calls it dinner, I am a Mommy whose son knows the lyrics to the "Family Guy" theme better than "The Itsy Bitsy Spider".  I am THAT Mommy.  BUT I am a Mommy who loves her little boy, who wants to make his life better, who wants to protect him and make life easier on him.  A Mommy who tucks her son in bed most nights and still checks to make sure he is breathing while he is sleeping.  I am a Mommy who kisses boo-boos and bakes cookies (albeit refrigerated dough).  I am the Mommy who helps Little Man with his "thankful feather" for his preschool turkey.  I am the Mommy who simply blows up a balloon and we bat it around, telling each other what we are thankful for.  He always starts out saying Mommy, and Mommy always starts out saying Michael.  I am the Mommy who would give my right arm for my son, and the Mommy who would throw herself infront of a moving bus for her son.

Yes.  I deserve the love that my Little Man gives me.  I can't change the past,  I can't fix the imperfections that I "think" happened the first few years of his life.  I can try to be the best Mommy I can be.  Okay, so I don't have a perfect layout with perfectly posed pictures with matchy-match outfits and gleaming smiles.  No, I just have words and a picture of my Little Man.  The only thing that matters in my life.

And by the way, that sleeve of Oreos was delicious...  ;)

1 comment:

  1. I just wrote this long meaningful response (twice)and Blogger deleated it........ cock and balls
    THe main point was you do AMAZING things for your son evey day buy picking him up and hugging him. Some kids dont even get that. Most families weather they want to admit it or not are MUCH moore like Malcolm in the Middle then THe Cosby Show! They feel like they have to put on this happy facae when they are eatting the same oreos you are and prolly smearing them with peanutbutter right from the jar! I lost my job and my car this past year and I spend my days reading blogs about how perfect people are. How wonderful their lives are. Babies and JObs and HOuses Oh My! But I know that things have to get better and there is a grander plan! What it is I have NO flipping idea but untill then I will BS with you on twitter and just do the best I can! I think you are FANTASTIC and I am glad that Twitter got us together!!! xxooxxooxxooxxoo