I am feeling pretty good overall. Of course, it is the weekend...I don't have to work and Mike is home. There is a Law & Order SVU marathon on USA. Life is good today. I got my hair done. Talked to my baby sister. Cleaned the house. Well, still working on the house. There is still a lot of crap that I am dealing with...but for today, I am going to live in my happy bubble and life will be good.
Funny thing is...I did not take my meds today.
Love to All.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
...trying to figure out...
...what makes me tick. Why I am an emotional eater. Why I can be so good and so on plan all day...but come home to an empty house at night and all hell breaks loose. Why I can be good all day, come home and eat a piece of cheeseburger pie, a slice of roast beef and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich??? I can not even figure out why I eat WHAT I eat. I just eat whatever I can get my hands on, and eat until the hurt and emptiness goes away...problem is, it never really goes away. I just go until I can't take it anymore.
I know, I am sad...lonely...depressed.
I don't know what I can do to fix it.
I take my meds. I exercise every. single. day.
I just hate being alone.
Love to All.
I know, I am sad...lonely...depressed.
I don't know what I can do to fix it.
I take my meds. I exercise every. single. day.
I just hate being alone.
Love to All.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
...needing inspiration...
I should not need much inspiration. I should be able to just rattle something off of the top of my head. I am doing this blog for one person and one person only. Me. Okay. If you must be techinical, I am also doing this blog for my therapist. I need to journal...and I am not good at journalling. I thought blogging would be easier. It isn't.
Today was fairly uneventful, in Pagnotti terms.
I slept in and missed the gym. Again. I can't kick this headcold, so my sleeping has been fitful. I can take a sleeping pill, but they just make me groggy if I can't get a solid 8 hours of sleep. The alarm went off, and since I knew my girlfriend was not able to make it this morning, I decided I was not going to make it.
I went to Weight Watchers. I remember why I never cared for Wednesday meetings. I don't like the Wednesday leader. Good news, I lost 4.4 lbs. Bad news, I am sure it was water weight, since my monthly visitor is just about leaving.
Mike and I had a meeting for Michael's transition to kindergarten. I think I was expecting a lot more than what really happened. I thought we would have a lot of loose ends tied up. I thought I would have a good idea of what to expect for Little Man for the next year. Nope. This meeting was to give the district permission to retest Michael to begin to get the ball rolling for kindergarten. Follow that??? I didn't!!! No, seriously. I kind of understand why we were at the meeting today, to sign the permission slips!!! I just wish I had more answers. I was kind of using this meeting as the "go" point to get the ball rolling to quit my job. I am so on the fence. We will be able to afford for me to do this, provided I take in three kids at $125/week. I am willing to quit my job for such glamour...but I am scared. I have not had a job since I was 17!!! I think the tradeoff will be worth it. I want to be able to be home when Michael gets off the bus. I want to be able to help him with homework and get a meal on the table. I don't want to be walking in the door at 8 pm at night and have a mere hour or an hour and a half before we turn in for bed. I feel that yes, my work schedule gives me that extra day off to be at home...BUT I am paying for it with the longer days.
I am so scared.
We decided to try this out for a year before we decide about moving back to Florida. I think if I can do this, I will be all-around happier. Of course, this makes it sound like it is all about me...and in a way, it is. I hate to sound selfish...but I am not happy right now...and when I am not happy, the whole family suffers...and I don't want my family to suffer. Seriously.
Long round about way to my day.
After the meeting for Michael, Mike and I ran a couple of errands and he went off to work. I HATE that part of the day. The part where Mike leaves the house at 2pm, and Michael does not get home until 445pm. I HATE those two and a half plus hours. I HATE them. I never realized how co-dependent I was until I became so clingy, needy and whiny about being alone. Today, I filled my day with delivering my Avon orders, intentions on going to the gym (but caught up with old coworkers while delivering the Avon and that took too long...) and then I topped it off by having dinner with my parents. My mommy made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and beets. Yes. I acutally LIKE beets. :)
I had a pretty good day. I managed to stay OP for the most part...until I came home to the empty house (no Mike) and binged on a piece of leftover roast beef and two pieces of bread and butter. I hate being alone.
Love to All.
Today was fairly uneventful, in Pagnotti terms.
I slept in and missed the gym. Again. I can't kick this headcold, so my sleeping has been fitful. I can take a sleeping pill, but they just make me groggy if I can't get a solid 8 hours of sleep. The alarm went off, and since I knew my girlfriend was not able to make it this morning, I decided I was not going to make it.
I went to Weight Watchers. I remember why I never cared for Wednesday meetings. I don't like the Wednesday leader. Good news, I lost 4.4 lbs. Bad news, I am sure it was water weight, since my monthly visitor is just about leaving.
Mike and I had a meeting for Michael's transition to kindergarten. I think I was expecting a lot more than what really happened. I thought we would have a lot of loose ends tied up. I thought I would have a good idea of what to expect for Little Man for the next year. Nope. This meeting was to give the district permission to retest Michael to begin to get the ball rolling for kindergarten. Follow that??? I didn't!!! No, seriously. I kind of understand why we were at the meeting today, to sign the permission slips!!! I just wish I had more answers. I was kind of using this meeting as the "go" point to get the ball rolling to quit my job. I am so on the fence. We will be able to afford for me to do this, provided I take in three kids at $125/week. I am willing to quit my job for such glamour...but I am scared. I have not had a job since I was 17!!! I think the tradeoff will be worth it. I want to be able to be home when Michael gets off the bus. I want to be able to help him with homework and get a meal on the table. I don't want to be walking in the door at 8 pm at night and have a mere hour or an hour and a half before we turn in for bed. I feel that yes, my work schedule gives me that extra day off to be at home...BUT I am paying for it with the longer days.
I am so scared.
We decided to try this out for a year before we decide about moving back to Florida. I think if I can do this, I will be all-around happier. Of course, this makes it sound like it is all about me...and in a way, it is. I hate to sound selfish...but I am not happy right now...and when I am not happy, the whole family suffers...and I don't want my family to suffer. Seriously.
Long round about way to my day.
After the meeting for Michael, Mike and I ran a couple of errands and he went off to work. I HATE that part of the day. The part where Mike leaves the house at 2pm, and Michael does not get home until 445pm. I HATE those two and a half plus hours. I HATE them. I never realized how co-dependent I was until I became so clingy, needy and whiny about being alone. Today, I filled my day with delivering my Avon orders, intentions on going to the gym (but caught up with old coworkers while delivering the Avon and that took too long...) and then I topped it off by having dinner with my parents. My mommy made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and beets. Yes. I acutally LIKE beets. :)
I had a pretty good day. I managed to stay OP for the most part...until I came home to the empty house (no Mike) and binged on a piece of leftover roast beef and two pieces of bread and butter. I hate being alone.
Love to All.
Monday, February 22, 2010
...Monday Musings...
Just some random Monday morning thoughts...
~ I have become a morning person, and that scares me.
~ ...have you noticed that I love elipses (sp) ...you know, the three dots that indicate a pause?!?!? (...)
~ My Little Man has turned into my Little "Disney Nerd". Instead of a bedtime story last night, he asked to watch some of the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade that we saved on the DVR. Loving it!!!
~ My weight loss journey is not going so hot this week.
~ I HAVE been working out...just not pushing myself really hard.
~ I am still putting off making some pretty grown up decisions about our future.
~ We meet with Little Man's teachers, therapists and case workers on Wednesday. We will finalize his transition into kindergarten. That will help me make some of those grown up decisions.
~ I am working on a lot of things. I have not seen my therapist since December (she is a busy, busy lady), but I have been working though a lot. The one thing that I continually struggle with is spending money that we really, truly don't have to spare.
~ At the same time, I am working hard to save my pennies for TWO new Disney Dooney Bags with all of the trimmings when we head to the World in September for my sister's wedding. They are my drive.
~ Speaking of heading to the World in September, my goal is to lose 75 lbs by then. I have already resigned to the fact that I will look like a cow in the pics anyway, but I want to ride Rock N Roller Coaster again!!!
~ I have hours and hours and hours of TV to catch up on the DVR...but I can honestly say that I don't miss them...I NEVER thought I would say that I did not miss my shows!!!
That is about all that is going through my head this morning. Since it is so early, I might chug out an actual blogpost later on. Who knows. Maybe one day I will say that I don't miss my computer...yeah right, that will NEVER happen!!! I know, I don't miss my programs BECAUSE of my computer!!!
Love to All.
~ I have become a morning person, and that scares me.
~ ...have you noticed that I love elipses (sp) ...you know, the three dots that indicate a pause?!?!? (...)
~ My Little Man has turned into my Little "Disney Nerd". Instead of a bedtime story last night, he asked to watch some of the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade that we saved on the DVR. Loving it!!!
~ My weight loss journey is not going so hot this week.
~ I HAVE been working out...just not pushing myself really hard.
~ I am still putting off making some pretty grown up decisions about our future.
~ We meet with Little Man's teachers, therapists and case workers on Wednesday. We will finalize his transition into kindergarten. That will help me make some of those grown up decisions.
~ I am working on a lot of things. I have not seen my therapist since December (she is a busy, busy lady), but I have been working though a lot. The one thing that I continually struggle with is spending money that we really, truly don't have to spare.
~ At the same time, I am working hard to save my pennies for TWO new Disney Dooney Bags with all of the trimmings when we head to the World in September for my sister's wedding. They are my drive.
~ Speaking of heading to the World in September, my goal is to lose 75 lbs by then. I have already resigned to the fact that I will look like a cow in the pics anyway, but I want to ride Rock N Roller Coaster again!!!
~ I have hours and hours and hours of TV to catch up on the DVR...but I can honestly say that I don't miss them...I NEVER thought I would say that I did not miss my shows!!!
That is about all that is going through my head this morning. Since it is so early, I might chug out an actual blogpost later on. Who knows. Maybe one day I will say that I don't miss my computer...yeah right, that will NEVER happen!!! I know, I don't miss my programs BECAUSE of my computer!!!
Love to All.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Spring...Just Get Here Already!!!
I am so over winter. So over it. I am tired of the grey skies, I am tired of the cold temperatures, I am tired of the sogginess. Is sogginess even a word??? My major complaint about using blogger is the lack of spellcheck. If it is here somewhere, it is hidden and I can't find it.
I digress.
I just want to get through the next few months. I just want the sun to shine, I want the birds to sing, I want May to get here already. Our lives are so much less stressful come springtime. I want longer, warmer days. That is all.
I am not sure if my depression is tied in to the weather. I have not touched on this with my therapists or psycharitist (sp). I just hate the short, cold, dark, dreary days. I long to be more active, get out in the fresh air, to enjoy life again.
Not much of a topic, but what is on my mind.
Love to All.
I digress.
I just want to get through the next few months. I just want the sun to shine, I want the birds to sing, I want May to get here already. Our lives are so much less stressful come springtime. I want longer, warmer days. That is all.
I am not sure if my depression is tied in to the weather. I have not touched on this with my therapists or psycharitist (sp). I just hate the short, cold, dark, dreary days. I long to be more active, get out in the fresh air, to enjoy life again.
Not much of a topic, but what is on my mind.
Love to All.
Friday, February 19, 2010
...starting over...
...so I went back to my first WW meeting in a year and a half. I did have reservations...and yes, the group was crowded...no, my wonky weigh in days won't be an issue..and surprisingly enough...there weren't too many "Know-It-All-Nellies" in the group.
There were, however, quite a few "magpies" in the room. You know, the kind of people who always have something to say. I just chose to ignore them and concentrate on what I was there for...why I was there.
I am starting over, starting from scratch, starting fresh. A new beginning, a new day. I literally wiped out a 20 lb weigh loss to start over. Yes, I know that I have lost this weight...but I needed a new beginning...a new starting point.
I am quite excited for this chapter in my journey. My goal is to lose 75 lbs before we head to Florida for my sister's wedding in September. It is bad enough that I will still be heavy...but I can't change that overnight. I am not going to go to some crazy extreme to lose this weight in the next seven months!!! I will take it in small babysteps. I want to celebrate every NSV (non scale victory) and figure out what to do better when I fail (and I will FAIL here and there...I am only human).
Today, my leader discussed eating out. His meeting really opened my eyes on how to plan or prepare for dining out. You can't always be 100% prepared...and after doing WW as many times as I have, I know what choices are better than others. He also mentioned that you can't deprive yourself. What good is celebrating something at The Cheesecake Factory, if you aren't going to have a piece of cheesecake??? Now, this is reserved for special occasions and celebrations...not everyday dining. What good is celebrating your birthday if you aren't going to allow yourself a piece of cake. This is RADICAL thinking compared to WW of the past. This is why I love WW...you can literally eat anything you want...as long as you stay within your Points range.
Off I go to have a piece of Little Man's favorite, "Hamburger Cheeseburger Pie". I have figured out the Points Values (how I love my WW eTools) and will track it and move on. I am not having to inject myself with some weird hormone and worry about not eating my tomatoes in the same meal as my cucumbers...because, heaven forbid that happen!!!
My weight might not come off as fast as 14 lbs in seven days...but it is coming off...slowly and surely is the way that I have to do it to keep it off.
Right now...zero pounds down, 172 to go...and I have gone one meal without having fast food (if Subway does not count, then it is three meals technically). This is HUGE. Much bigger than I am, but I am ready to tackle this...
Love to All.
There were, however, quite a few "magpies" in the room. You know, the kind of people who always have something to say. I just chose to ignore them and concentrate on what I was there for...why I was there.
I am starting over, starting from scratch, starting fresh. A new beginning, a new day. I literally wiped out a 20 lb weigh loss to start over. Yes, I know that I have lost this weight...but I needed a new beginning...a new starting point.
I am quite excited for this chapter in my journey. My goal is to lose 75 lbs before we head to Florida for my sister's wedding in September. It is bad enough that I will still be heavy...but I can't change that overnight. I am not going to go to some crazy extreme to lose this weight in the next seven months!!! I will take it in small babysteps. I want to celebrate every NSV (non scale victory) and figure out what to do better when I fail (and I will FAIL here and there...I am only human).
Today, my leader discussed eating out. His meeting really opened my eyes on how to plan or prepare for dining out. You can't always be 100% prepared...and after doing WW as many times as I have, I know what choices are better than others. He also mentioned that you can't deprive yourself. What good is celebrating something at The Cheesecake Factory, if you aren't going to have a piece of cheesecake??? Now, this is reserved for special occasions and celebrations...not everyday dining. What good is celebrating your birthday if you aren't going to allow yourself a piece of cake. This is RADICAL thinking compared to WW of the past. This is why I love WW...you can literally eat anything you want...as long as you stay within your Points range.
Off I go to have a piece of Little Man's favorite, "Hamburger Cheeseburger Pie". I have figured out the Points Values (how I love my WW eTools) and will track it and move on. I am not having to inject myself with some weird hormone and worry about not eating my tomatoes in the same meal as my cucumbers...because, heaven forbid that happen!!!
My weight might not come off as fast as 14 lbs in seven days...but it is coming off...slowly and surely is the way that I have to do it to keep it off.
Right now...zero pounds down, 172 to go...and I have gone one meal without having fast food (if Subway does not count, then it is three meals technically). This is HUGE. Much bigger than I am, but I am ready to tackle this...
Love to All.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
...reservations...
Today I go back to my first Weight Watchers meeting in a year and a half. I went strictly online when I switched positions with my job. I have hit a weight loss plateau, and desperately need to bust through it. I am watching what I eat, not closely enough, I will admit. I am also working out on a more regular basis. I think that the meetings give me something that sticks with me through the week, and is the little voice in my head that I NEED to hear.
However, going to the meetings...I do have some reservations.
1) I hate crowded meetings. The older I get, the more I hate crowds. No real explanation for that one.
2) I won't be able to attend the same meeting each week because of my wonky work schedule. I am scheduled off Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday this week...next week it is Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. No consistency with my days off means that I will have a new weigh in date each week. I don't want that to deter me.
3) I can not, CAN NOT stand the "know it all Nellies" that always seem to be in a meeting. What I love about online is that if I come across a post or a topic that either does not interest me, or annoys me...I simply don't read it. In a meeting, I am sitting there for a half an hour listening to the same people say the same thing each and every week. What works for them does not always work for me. I love to weigh myself each and every day...oh, that is a big no-no in some people's eyes. Whatever. Do what works for you, and keep it the hell to yourself. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry...but I get tired of the same crap, different week.
Despite the way it sounds in this post, I am actually excited to be going back to my meetings. I am excited for the accountability and the support that I have from my friend Michele. She works out with me most days and she is going to the meeting today to cheer me on. I don't know what I would do without her.
At least I have someone to sit next to and roll eyes with when someone goes on a little too long today!!!
Love to All.
However, going to the meetings...I do have some reservations.
1) I hate crowded meetings. The older I get, the more I hate crowds. No real explanation for that one.
2) I won't be able to attend the same meeting each week because of my wonky work schedule. I am scheduled off Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday this week...next week it is Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. No consistency with my days off means that I will have a new weigh in date each week. I don't want that to deter me.
3) I can not, CAN NOT stand the "know it all Nellies" that always seem to be in a meeting. What I love about online is that if I come across a post or a topic that either does not interest me, or annoys me...I simply don't read it. In a meeting, I am sitting there for a half an hour listening to the same people say the same thing each and every week. What works for them does not always work for me. I love to weigh myself each and every day...oh, that is a big no-no in some people's eyes. Whatever. Do what works for you, and keep it the hell to yourself. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry...but I get tired of the same crap, different week.
Despite the way it sounds in this post, I am actually excited to be going back to my meetings. I am excited for the accountability and the support that I have from my friend Michele. She works out with me most days and she is going to the meeting today to cheer me on. I don't know what I would do without her.
At least I have someone to sit next to and roll eyes with when someone goes on a little too long today!!!
Love to All.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Chrissy + Martha Stewart = disaster, EPIC fail...
Okay...in my head, I should be able to bake a simple cake. I can bake a simple cake. I just can't bake the "simple" cakes that I want to. I wanted to bake a "simple" Valentine's Day cake for my two favorite guys...
This is an example of the cake I had in mind. Beautiful AND delicious. I decided that this might be too much for me to tackle, so I decided to buy some Wilton Heart Shaped Silcone molds. I thought I could make sweet little tiny cakes. I bought cupcake frosting and had visions of perfect little cakes in my head. The mold could be used for ice cream!!! Delicious heart shaped cakes and ice cream. This is a photo of the exact mold that I bought.
I bought cake mix and brownie mix. We were going to have a tasty dessert forV-Day and I would have cakes and brownies, baked with love, to send to my parents and grandparents. All tied up with a cute little bow. My son would have magical memories of us baking and decorating our gifts, again all made with love.
Well, Saturday afternoon, I decided to tackle the brownies. Okay. I read the instructions to the silcone mold. It said that you did not have to spray the pan. I did not, because this is supposed to be miracle silicone...all you had to do was "twist" the pan and your treats would just release. So I mix the batter and bake. I let the pan cool, for what I thought was long enough. Apparently you have to let the pan cool to an arctic temperature before removing said goodies. I could not wait that long. I only had one pan, and had a lot of batter left to bake. So I twisted an popped. So I tried to pop. The brownies TOTALLY stuck to the pan. I gave up and baked the rest of the batter in an 8x8 pan. They turned out really, REALLY underdone. Scrapped the cute, decorated brownie idea and decided that I would tackle the cakes the next day.
Sunday comes, and it is snowing all day. What a wonderful day to get our baking done!!! Okay, so the cakes turned out the same as the brownies. I won't go into gory detail...but I did get pictures of the cakes.
I again, made a cake out of the rest of the batter. Little Man helped me decorate the lopsided, crumbly cakes and make the big, blobby hearts on the cake. I decided then and there that it is not about how the outcome looks, or what anyone else thinks of it...just the memory making with my Little Man along the way. Ou cakes aren't going to win any prize...but to Michael they were number one the whole time.
Love to All.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
...pondering...contemplating...wondering...
As I see all of the exciting things that my online friends did over the past few days at the Disney Social Media Mom's Celebration, I miss my time in Florida more and more. I am wondering if it is something that can't be cured by a week's trip here and a week's trip there. Two of my 2011 goals take place in the first two months...I want to complete the WDW Marathon Weekend Family Fun 5K at the Studios in January, and I would like to attend the Disney Social Media Mom's Celebration next year. It was in February this year, so I would assume that it is going to be in February next year. It would be so much easier for me to meet my goals if we lived there. I hate dissappointing myself...and if I get it in my head that I want to do something...I have to do it. I am determined, stubborn to a fault.
We decided yesterday that the following reasons are NOT reason enough to move back to Florida.
1) weather. No matter how much we hate the snow, grey and winter months...it is not a grown up enough reason to move back...
2) Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Q in Saint Cloud and Pizza City in Kissimmee (the best Calzone in the WORLD). As much as these two fatties love their food, it is not a grown up enough reason to move back because we miss certain restaurants.
Hey, it is a short list...but it is a list all the same. It is a start. We are working on the pro/con thing. Despite the two items listed (are they pros, are they cons, who knows?!?!?) we ARE taking this seriously. Either way, there are going to be some major life changes made to the Pagnottis over the next six months. The only question is...how far am I going to have to travel to get to the Marathon Weekend and Social Media Mom's Celebratio next year???
Love to All.
We decided yesterday that the following reasons are NOT reason enough to move back to Florida.
1) weather. No matter how much we hate the snow, grey and winter months...it is not a grown up enough reason to move back...
2) Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Q in Saint Cloud and Pizza City in Kissimmee (the best Calzone in the WORLD). As much as these two fatties love their food, it is not a grown up enough reason to move back because we miss certain restaurants.
Hey, it is a short list...but it is a list all the same. It is a start. We are working on the pro/con thing. Despite the two items listed (are they pros, are they cons, who knows?!?!?) we ARE taking this seriously. Either way, there are going to be some major life changes made to the Pagnottis over the next six months. The only question is...how far am I going to have to travel to get to the Marathon Weekend and Social Media Mom's Celebratio next year???
Love to All.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
...absent...
I have been absent over the past week...and a bit in denial. My doctor changed one of my meds for my bipolar disorder. She warned me that one of the side effects were weight gain, brought on because the meds cause you to crave carbs. I thought to myself 'this won't be a problem, I have never craved carbs before. I am stronger than this. I have a Plan. I am on WW'.
Well. I have tried and tried and tried. The carbs are winning. Turns out that my doctor KNOWS what she is talking about. It is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sort of situation. I feel better on these meds, but I am craving foods that I usually don't.
Needless to say I have struggled over the past few weeks. I have been making regular, good choices otherwise...it is just the carbs in the evening. Luckilly I don't keep a lot in the way of carbs on hand...but I have battled with a loaf of whole wheat bread (that I buy for DH and DS) and my oatmeal and Arnold Thins...
I just had to share and get that off my chest. I need to check in more regularly...perhaps when I am getting these cravings.
Love to All.
Well. I have tried and tried and tried. The carbs are winning. Turns out that my doctor KNOWS what she is talking about. It is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sort of situation. I feel better on these meds, but I am craving foods that I usually don't.
Needless to say I have struggled over the past few weeks. I have been making regular, good choices otherwise...it is just the carbs in the evening. Luckilly I don't keep a lot in the way of carbs on hand...but I have battled with a loaf of whole wheat bread (that I buy for DH and DS) and my oatmeal and Arnold Thins...
I just had to share and get that off my chest. I need to check in more regularly...perhaps when I am getting these cravings.
Love to All.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Changes...
No matter what we decide...stay here, move to Florida...whatever we decide, today I got the greatest incentive to quit the job that I have become slave to and follow my dream. I was talking to Mike on my lunch hour, and he mentioned that, when Michael woke up this morning...the first words out of his mouth were "Arugghhh!!! Why does Mommy have to go to work everyday?". My five year old senses that Mommy should be at home with him instead of fighting the rat race each and every day.
The opportunity to stay home and raise my son is going to be a short-lived one. He is already five. Five. I have lost so much precious time with him...and I hate that. I can't dwell on that. I have to be the best Mommy that I can be. Some days are harder, more challenging than others. Most days are rewarding. I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life...no matter where it begins...
Love to All.
The opportunity to stay home and raise my son is going to be a short-lived one. He is already five. Five. I have lost so much precious time with him...and I hate that. I can't dwell on that. I have to be the best Mommy that I can be. Some days are harder, more challenging than others. Most days are rewarding. I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life...no matter where it begins...
Love to All.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
...maybe it would be more exciting...
Okay...now I am not thinking of packing up the family and moving a thousand miles away from everyone that I love to improve my blog. I am not. BUT I think that my blog would be much more exciting if I moved back to Florida.
I just seemed happier, more active, and I did more when I lived down south. I think I would take more pictures, I would post more often and would have a more interesting life in general.
Here I sit, in my family room with the blinds raised up. I see the sun, but there is so much snow!!! Michael is in the winter spirit by watching the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade for the third time in a row. I am not going to make him turn it off...he is sick. I want him to be comfortable and happy. Even if this means watching goofy Nick Cannon and skeletal Kelly Ripa over and over and over. I am actually tearing up while watching it, I miss Disney so much. I have a problem. My son has a problem. :)
Now I remember working for the Mouse was not all it was cracked up to be. I hated working in merchandise. Well, I did not hate it completely. I hated the time I worked at the World of Disney. I loved the time I worked at Disney's Hollywood (then MGM) Studios. I know that working for Disney might not work out for me this time around...the schedules can vary, and with a five year old, I have to have a pretty stable schedule. Mike is willing to work overnights, and I want to work while Michael is in school. Mike would love to go back to work for Disney. He loved working for them in Security. That was his favorite job. Now, we would of course get Michael (and me, if I did not work for Disney) an annual pass so we would be able to go to the parks whenever we wanted to. I miss being able to just go whenever we wanted. I think Michael would enjoy that.
Not that missing Disney is any reason to go back to Central Florida...but it is a HUGE pro on my list...
Love to All.
I just seemed happier, more active, and I did more when I lived down south. I think I would take more pictures, I would post more often and would have a more interesting life in general.
Here I sit, in my family room with the blinds raised up. I see the sun, but there is so much snow!!! Michael is in the winter spirit by watching the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade for the third time in a row. I am not going to make him turn it off...he is sick. I want him to be comfortable and happy. Even if this means watching goofy Nick Cannon and skeletal Kelly Ripa over and over and over. I am actually tearing up while watching it, I miss Disney so much. I have a problem. My son has a problem. :)
Now I remember working for the Mouse was not all it was cracked up to be. I hated working in merchandise. Well, I did not hate it completely. I hated the time I worked at the World of Disney. I loved the time I worked at Disney's Hollywood (then MGM) Studios. I know that working for Disney might not work out for me this time around...the schedules can vary, and with a five year old, I have to have a pretty stable schedule. Mike is willing to work overnights, and I want to work while Michael is in school. Mike would love to go back to work for Disney. He loved working for them in Security. That was his favorite job. Now, we would of course get Michael (and me, if I did not work for Disney) an annual pass so we would be able to go to the parks whenever we wanted to. I miss being able to just go whenever we wanted. I think Michael would enjoy that.
Not that missing Disney is any reason to go back to Central Florida...but it is a HUGE pro on my list...
Love to All.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Being A Grown Up Kinda Sucks...
I am not good at making decisions. I am not good at being a grown-up. Put the two together, and it is a recipe for disaster.
Mike and I moved to the Saint Louis area a little more than six years ago. A lot has happened in that time. We got married,. We had Michael. We started jobs. We moved into my dream house. Michael has started school. This is where my family is. This is where I grew up.
Last week, Mike gave me the "I'm not happy here" speech.
Mike is not one to really speak up. He lets me have my way. I am okay with that!!! He says that he has a hard time telling me and Michael no. This is the first time ever that he has told me something like that. I know he has opinions, but I am not used to hearing him lay it out so bluntly.
Mike wants to move back to Florida.
This has been in the back of my mind for sometime now. While we were driving from Central Florida, through Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and finally into Missouri, it was Mike that made the statement that by moving to Missouri, that we were there for good. I could not keep changing my mind and moving back and forth. I was like, whatever. I get my way no matter what...so when I am ready to move, we'll move...right.
I always whine about the weather here in the winters. I am not a wintery snow kinda gal. Never have been. Never will be. Every winter, I get a bit homesick for Florida. Avoiding grey, dreary, crappy, cold weather is NOT reason enough to pack up our family and move a thousand miles away.
My head is spinning. I keep trying to put together a list of pros and cons about moving back to Florida. I can't wrap my head around it. I think I was a little more laid back when we lived there...BUT I did not have a child. I was not trying to have a child. I was not making the kind of money that I am with my job at the Credit Union. If we do move, now is the best time...while Mike still gets the trust money that his mother left him. We could afford to take a cut in pay while we still have this "extra" money coming in.
I am scared. I am scared of letting my family down. The love having Michael around so much. I don't want them to think that by my packing my family up and moving so far away, that it is a slap in their faces. My parents and sisters and brother have done so much for us over the years. I don't want them to think that it was all for nothing...or that it is a "use 'em and lose 'em" kind of thing. I don't want them to thnk that they all helped me raise my son...and now that the hard part is over...buh-bye.
Why am I even debating the happiness of my family over the happiness of my husband???
There is so much to think about. Jobs, schools, homes, packing up this house and moving it so far away. I am a procrastinator. I won't want to think about it until it is too late. I will want to bury my head in the sand until Mike gives me some sort of ultimatium. What is up with that???
I have a huge decision to make, and I don't want to have anything to do with making it.
Love to All.
Mike and I moved to the Saint Louis area a little more than six years ago. A lot has happened in that time. We got married,. We had Michael. We started jobs. We moved into my dream house. Michael has started school. This is where my family is. This is where I grew up.
Last week, Mike gave me the "I'm not happy here" speech.
Mike is not one to really speak up. He lets me have my way. I am okay with that!!! He says that he has a hard time telling me and Michael no. This is the first time ever that he has told me something like that. I know he has opinions, but I am not used to hearing him lay it out so bluntly.
Mike wants to move back to Florida.
This has been in the back of my mind for sometime now. While we were driving from Central Florida, through Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and finally into Missouri, it was Mike that made the statement that by moving to Missouri, that we were there for good. I could not keep changing my mind and moving back and forth. I was like, whatever. I get my way no matter what...so when I am ready to move, we'll move...right.
I always whine about the weather here in the winters. I am not a wintery snow kinda gal. Never have been. Never will be. Every winter, I get a bit homesick for Florida. Avoiding grey, dreary, crappy, cold weather is NOT reason enough to pack up our family and move a thousand miles away.
My head is spinning. I keep trying to put together a list of pros and cons about moving back to Florida. I can't wrap my head around it. I think I was a little more laid back when we lived there...BUT I did not have a child. I was not trying to have a child. I was not making the kind of money that I am with my job at the Credit Union. If we do move, now is the best time...while Mike still gets the trust money that his mother left him. We could afford to take a cut in pay while we still have this "extra" money coming in.
I am scared. I am scared of letting my family down. The love having Michael around so much. I don't want them to think that by my packing my family up and moving so far away, that it is a slap in their faces. My parents and sisters and brother have done so much for us over the years. I don't want them to think that it was all for nothing...or that it is a "use 'em and lose 'em" kind of thing. I don't want them to thnk that they all helped me raise my son...and now that the hard part is over...buh-bye.
Why am I even debating the happiness of my family over the happiness of my husband???
There is so much to think about. Jobs, schools, homes, packing up this house and moving it so far away. I am a procrastinator. I won't want to think about it until it is too late. I will want to bury my head in the sand until Mike gives me some sort of ultimatium. What is up with that???
I have a huge decision to make, and I don't want to have anything to do with making it.
Love to All.
Monday, February 8, 2010
...stop hounding me!!!
I know there are some out there who are very well meaning when it comes to my weight loss...but you know what...mind your own damn business!!!
I don't mean to sound harsh...but I don't WANT to know about your hormone shots...I don't WANT to know about your shakes...I don't WANT to know about your workout plan...I don't WANT to know about your food-delivery service.
I joined Weight Watchers for. The. Last. Time. In June 2009. The last time. Looking back at photos...I gained this weight slowly over the last ten years. I did NOT gain this weight overnight...I am NOT going to lose it overnight. I am NOT looking for a quick fix. That is why I signed onto http://www.weightwatchers.com/ for the last time in June of 2009. I have not let my membership lapse, I have been logging on daily. I have been tracking, counting, jornalling. I have been doing everything that I can. I have lost 20 lbs. No, not a whole heck of a lot, but it is 20 lbs. I will kiss each and every pound goodbye and hope not to see it again. I am taking this at my own pace. I will not win a race...but I am not looking to "win". I just want to lose this weight...to be healthier, to be there for my son, for my death certificate NOT to read cause of death "morbid obesity", to fit into my special skrit. I am doing this for ME...not for anyone else.
Please don't try to talk me into your hormone shots, shakes, workout routines, and food delivery services. I am not interested. I am doing this my way. I know I am fat. I can see that. I just have to do this in the way that works for me.
I know you are well meaning...and you might have years of experience on me...but come on...let me do this my way.
Love to All.
I don't mean to sound harsh...but I don't WANT to know about your hormone shots...I don't WANT to know about your shakes...I don't WANT to know about your workout plan...I don't WANT to know about your food-delivery service.
I joined Weight Watchers for. The. Last. Time. In June 2009. The last time. Looking back at photos...I gained this weight slowly over the last ten years. I did NOT gain this weight overnight...I am NOT going to lose it overnight. I am NOT looking for a quick fix. That is why I signed onto http://www.weightwatchers.com/ for the last time in June of 2009. I have not let my membership lapse, I have been logging on daily. I have been tracking, counting, jornalling. I have been doing everything that I can. I have lost 20 lbs. No, not a whole heck of a lot, but it is 20 lbs. I will kiss each and every pound goodbye and hope not to see it again. I am taking this at my own pace. I will not win a race...but I am not looking to "win". I just want to lose this weight...to be healthier, to be there for my son, for my death certificate NOT to read cause of death "morbid obesity", to fit into my special skrit. I am doing this for ME...not for anyone else.
Please don't try to talk me into your hormone shots, shakes, workout routines, and food delivery services. I am not interested. I am doing this my way. I know I am fat. I can see that. I just have to do this in the way that works for me.
I know you are well meaning...and you might have years of experience on me...but come on...let me do this my way.
Love to All.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I deserve an award!!!
My dear, dear friend Aurora nominated little ol' me for a Beautiful Blogger Award. I am not sure I deserve to be in such great company!!! My blog started as a way for me to get journallig in for my therapist!!! I have been peeling back layer and layer to find out what makes me...well, what makes me me. What makes me tick, what makes me the wife and mommy that I am. What brought me to this point on my journey and how I am going to contunue. My blog is not exciting or entertaining...but it is ME. It is boring and bland but brutally honest. I might not like what I am typing, but I gotta get it out. I have to thank Aurora from the bottom of my heart for nominating boring old me!!!
The Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award.
~ Thanks to Aurora...my online soul sister. 1000 miles may seperate us, but I feel like we are sitting across from one another holding a conversation!!! I can't believe how much we have in common and how much alike we are. I can't wait to meet you when I visit the World in September (seems SO far away). I hope that someday my family plans bring me closer to my online friends...we will have to wwait and see. :)
2. Copy the award and place it on my blog.
~ Done
3. Link to the person who nominated me for the award.
~ here is the link to Aurora's blog...
http://auroraboriealice.blogspot.com/
4. Share 7 interesting things about myself
~ oh dear. Don't know if this is going to be that easy...
1) I am the oldest of five children. I grew up in a comfortable, easy-going middle class household. I remember fondly nights playing outside until the streetlight came on. I remember decorating my bike with streamers and balloons for the neighborhood block party. I remember baking Christmas Cookies with my father in the winter and swimming and getting all golden brown tan in the summer. If I could go back in time for just one day, I would be torn as to what I would want to do...either meet Walt Disney while Disneyland was still young, or be eight years old again and playing outside that glorious summer...
2) I loved the Pink Castle Cake for the 25th Anniversary of Walt Disney World. I touched on this briefly in an earlier blog post...and Aurora mentioned how much she disliked it!!! I might be one of the only people in the world who were not horrified by it (I knew it would not last forever)...heck, I disliked the Wand at Epcot more than the Castle Cake. I guess I like it so much because my family took a HUGE trip to the World when the 25th Anniversary Celebration began. We were there for all of the rededications and ceremonies. I was 23 at the time, and it was one of the last trips that my ENTIRE family (Mom, Daddy and the five of us) were together. To me, the Pink Cake symbolizes one of the best trips of my entire life. To this day, I collect anything from the 25th Anniversary...and my father and I danced to "Remember the Magic" at my wedding.
3) I met my husband while we worked at Walt Disney World. Yeah, that was a whole other blogpost. :)
4) I am the mommy to the most amazing five year old son in the world. Michael never ceases to amaze me. Each day is a new adventure. He has grown by leaps and bounds over the past year...he is such a Little Man.
5) I am open about my bi-polar, OCD, depression and anxiety disorders. I am upfront about visiting a therapist and psychologist. They are both helping me discover who I am, what makes me tick and how I can cope with it all. I am not going to say that I need to be fixed...because I don't have to be fixed. I just need to figure out how to live with the me that I am!!!
6) I am surprised that I have come up with five things so far...this one does not quite count, but I thought I would be stuck a long time ago.
7) I have a long way to go on my weight loss journey. When it is all said and done, to reach my goal, I will have to have lost 186 lbs. Those are Biggest Loser numbers people!!! I am also working with my therapist to find out why I have gained so much weight in the last few years. Maybe it is because I like food...but I think there is something more...it is a journey...and there are highs and lows and bumps in the road (sounds kinda like a bad country song).
5. Nominate 7 bloggers
~ http://auroraboriealice.blogspot.com/
~ http://www.disneyeveryday.com/
~ http://thedisneydrivenlife.com/
~ http://zannaland.com/
~ http://freebies4mom.blogspot.com/
~ http://squarefunk.blogspot.com/
~ http://franchesca-strangerthanfiction.blogspot.com/
Okay. I did it. I blogged seven interesting (or boring) things about myself AND recommended seven bloggers. Love it. I DID it!!! Whoo-hoo!!!
Love to All.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I. Am. Not. Giving. Up.
Nope. Even though I had a horrible gain this week (1.8 lbs...my first in a long time) I am just going to get over it. I AM frustrated at that stupid number. I don't get it. I did everything right. Salads EVERY single day...every single day. I have been worked out five days. My pants are getting so big, I almost stepped out of them today, yet the stupid number went UP. I am frustrated, but I am moving on.
I am going to see what I could do differently. I know I am not perfect, but it is so hard when you do everything right and the scale goes the other way. There has got to be something that I can do differently.
All in all, my scale experience stunk this week...but this is a new week, and I am ready to tackle it.
Love to All.
I am going to see what I could do differently. I know I am not perfect, but it is so hard when you do everything right and the scale goes the other way. There has got to be something that I can do differently.
All in all, my scale experience stunk this week...but this is a new week, and I am ready to tackle it.
Love to All.
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