Monday, April 4, 2011


...I feel icky, oh so icky...

I did not sleep well last night.  I stayed up later than usual (watching Wrestlemania, of all things...) and we had severe storms roll in the area around 2:30.  Pair both of those with waking up at 5:30, and all I wanted to do was come home and go back to sleep.

Yeah, didn't happen.

One of the Preschool Teacher's Assistants called in sick, so I was asked to work until 2pm.  I am wiped out.  It is not like I have not done this before, because I have.  Today, all day, all I could think about was how my weight is LITERALLY weighing me down.  Preschoolers are so full of energy.  I could barely keep up.  All of the ups and downs and bending and stretching.  Even before I was asked to work late, I thought my knees were giving out.  When the kiddos got out their mats and blankets for naptime, many of them asked for me to rub their backs, so they could fall asleep.  Of course, I obliged...but I kept thinking to myself how I must have looked like a big blob of goo (much like Jabba The Hutt) "rolling" around the floor going from kid to kid.  Ick. 

So I worked from 6:30 am - 2 pm.  I did not know I was going to be working past 8:30, so I did not eat anything.  Of course, my supervisors and the Preschool teacher offered to give me a break if I wanted to grab something to eat.  Heavens, no!!!  I don't like to eat in front of anyone, so I declined.  I could just wait until I got off of work at 2, right???  Wrong.  I binged on, of all things, McDonalds.  Ick.  Then I had pizza for dinner.  I am literally dry heaving.  I feel fine, I am just gagging from the amount of food just sitting in my stomach right now. 

I don't know if I am strong enough to change, yet something needs to be done.  Yes, I have done Weight Watchers before...with moderate success...but I don't stick with it long enough to see it through.  Yes, they tell me (and I know) that it is a lifestyle change.  Right now,  my lifestyle is lazy.  Barely doing enough to get by.  This all has to change.  I am scared.  For the first time ever (if you can believe this) the other day, it hit me...this is the only life that I have to live.  Right now, I am dying.  This addiction, this obesity, this lifestyle is killing me.  I can't sugar-coat it.  It is killing me.

Apparently, I have to be in the "right" mental state of mind to get the health/fitness part underway.  Will this ever happen???  How do I make it happen???  I have a feeling that I will be making a call to my therapist soon.

So, I am on day 4 of the 30 day blogging challenge...I think it all kind of ties in to today's post...

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

I honestly wish I could say that eating was a habit that I wish I didn't have...but I know that we have to eat to live.  I just can't live to eat.  I need to change my relationship with food.  It can't rule my life.  I have to know when to stop.  I have to learn control.

I really don't have any "bad" habits to speak of.  I tried a cigarette ONCE (and it was 13 years ago) when I had been drinking with friends...and vomited.  I don't drink to speak of...I have not had a drink in years.  I think I had a beer five or six years ago.  I always said that I would rather eat my calories than drink them (that is why I love Diet Coke).  I have curbed my spending habit.  I guess one of my "habits" is Disney...but I don't regret that one.  Yes, I would say that the OVEReating is a habit that I wish I didn't have.

That is about all I know.  Hopefully the next post will be a little more positive!!!  I am in a pretty good mood, just tired and very full.

Love to All.

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