Yes it does. I have had zero interest in anything for awhile now. Everyday is a struggle. I am not sure how to make myself happy. I am taking my meds. I have not seen my therapist in awhile. We have had some insurance changes and I was not able to see her after I left the Credit Union. DH's insurance did not cover my particular therapist, but that all changed 10/1. I am glad that I will be able to see her again.
No motivation. I will say that Little Man continues to make me smile...but that is about it.
I changed my job...thought that would help...it hasn't. I like my new job a lot, and love that there is something new and different every day, but waking up in the morning to get to work is a struggle.
I find that all I want to do during the day is sleep. I spend most of the day sleeping. I don't know what is wrong.
Right now, DH is working OT so we can afford to give Little Man a nice Christmas (have to think ahead when money is this tight)...and what am I doing??? Nothing.
I need to get off this computer and get moving. Let's hope I can get something done. It is the least I can do!!!
Love to All.
Insight into the craziness that is me, my family, my journey...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm Going to Disney World!!!
Okay...so this trip has been planned for over a year...my sister is getting married at Epcot, so we are all shuttling down to the happiest place on Earth. Disney is MY happy place. I worked for them for more than six years, and met my husband while working for the Mouse. Yes, I am going to Disney World...my favorite place in the world.
HOWEVER...I have never been there as heavy as I am right now. Of course, the focus of this visit is my sister's wedding...and to see friends and family that we still have in the Sunshine State (my husband was born and raised in Florida). Of course, we will also manage to cram five days in the parks durning this visit. Eight crazy days. During that time in the parks, our goal is to make it as magical as possible for Little Man...but Momma wants to have some fun too!!! According to all sorts of Disney-fan sites, Message Boards, Facebook and Twitter...you can be heavy and STILL enjoy all that Disney has to offer. There are all sorts of stories and testimonials from Disney fans, some with stats that are larger than mine, who have ridden all of the rides and squeezed into seats at shows.
That is not good enough for me.
I am doing research into next year's trip to Disney. DH wants to go somewhere other than Disney (the horror!!!)...he suggested Disneyland or the Disney Cruise. ;) Either would work...I have a cousin who lives about 45 minutes from Disneyland, and she is getting married in the next year...so if we have to fly to California, we may as well see the original. ANYWAY, my goal...whether we go back to Walt Disney World, go out to California or take a cruise...my goal is to be 100 lbs. lighter this time next year. I will still have a way to go before I hit goal (another approximate 85 lbs after that..) but I will be back where I was when I left Florida seven years ago. Heck, I may even be smaller than I was at that point...I did not own a scale back then...and I did not attend WW meetings...I just gained and gained and gained...I was pretty much in denial.
It averages out to be a little less than 2 lbs a week. I know some weeks will be better than others...and 100 lbs in a year is a pretty lofty goal...but it is something that I am going to work towards I won't be any worse off this time next year than I am today. No matter how I do, I will be a success.
Love to All.
HOWEVER...I have never been there as heavy as I am right now. Of course, the focus of this visit is my sister's wedding...and to see friends and family that we still have in the Sunshine State (my husband was born and raised in Florida). Of course, we will also manage to cram five days in the parks durning this visit. Eight crazy days. During that time in the parks, our goal is to make it as magical as possible for Little Man...but Momma wants to have some fun too!!! According to all sorts of Disney-fan sites, Message Boards, Facebook and Twitter...you can be heavy and STILL enjoy all that Disney has to offer. There are all sorts of stories and testimonials from Disney fans, some with stats that are larger than mine, who have ridden all of the rides and squeezed into seats at shows.
That is not good enough for me.
I am doing research into next year's trip to Disney. DH wants to go somewhere other than Disney (the horror!!!)...he suggested Disneyland or the Disney Cruise. ;) Either would work...I have a cousin who lives about 45 minutes from Disneyland, and she is getting married in the next year...so if we have to fly to California, we may as well see the original. ANYWAY, my goal...whether we go back to Walt Disney World, go out to California or take a cruise...my goal is to be 100 lbs. lighter this time next year. I will still have a way to go before I hit goal (another approximate 85 lbs after that..) but I will be back where I was when I left Florida seven years ago. Heck, I may even be smaller than I was at that point...I did not own a scale back then...and I did not attend WW meetings...I just gained and gained and gained...I was pretty much in denial.
It averages out to be a little less than 2 lbs a week. I know some weeks will be better than others...and 100 lbs in a year is a pretty lofty goal...but it is something that I am going to work towards I won't be any worse off this time next year than I am today. No matter how I do, I will be a success.
Love to All.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
...what was the last straw???
Today on the Weight Watchers Boards...someone asked what was your last straw??? The straw that broke the camel's back when it came to losing weight??? It gave me something to think about...and alas, my first blog post in a long time. What makes me want to lose this weight??? What was the deciding factor when it comes to losing this weight???
~ Michael. Plain and simple. I told my WW leader that I feel like I have jipped Michael out of a mother because I can't do a lot of things with him. My energy is zapped and I feel blah most of the time. I know my depression plays into this...BUT I think that a lot of the depression stems from my weight...it is a vicious circle...I gain weight because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am fat and tired, I gain more weight because I am depressed...you see where this is going. I am looking forward to going to Walt Disney World this fall for my sister's wedding...but I am NOT looking forward to it because of all of the walking and the heat and the sun...what kind of mother am I that I am not looking forward to taking my son to the Happiest Place on Earth (and my happy place). I feel that Michael is missing out on a lot because his Mommy is fat.
~ I am ashamed of how I look...I am ashamed that I let myself get this way. I am ashamed of how this reflects on my family. I know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to going out and being around people...but I believe that some of my anxiety comes from my weight. I hate to think of what people see or what they think of me when they see me.
~ My body is tired. It does not ache all the time, but it just feels tired.
~ I am tired of paying $50 for a pair of jeans, $32 for a bra, $6 for a pair of panties. I want to shop in regular size stores. I know I will never ever be tiny...but I want to know what it is like to shop at a regular store...even if it is for a size XL...it won't be a 4X.
I don't know what is wrong with me...I went to the WW meeting two weeks ago, and have not been back since. I have not tracked, measured, counted, etc. I have been eating crap like I normally do. I have not been working out. I just don't know. I know why I need to lose the weight...I know how I feel...I just don't know how to do it.
I know this has been kind of a depressing post, but I have to get back on track. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to let it all out. I hope to be back on track...losing weight, working out, blogging...I just need to get back in the routine...
Love to All...
~ Michael. Plain and simple. I told my WW leader that I feel like I have jipped Michael out of a mother because I can't do a lot of things with him. My energy is zapped and I feel blah most of the time. I know my depression plays into this...BUT I think that a lot of the depression stems from my weight...it is a vicious circle...I gain weight because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am fat and tired, I gain more weight because I am depressed...you see where this is going. I am looking forward to going to Walt Disney World this fall for my sister's wedding...but I am NOT looking forward to it because of all of the walking and the heat and the sun...what kind of mother am I that I am not looking forward to taking my son to the Happiest Place on Earth (and my happy place). I feel that Michael is missing out on a lot because his Mommy is fat.
~ I am ashamed of how I look...I am ashamed that I let myself get this way. I am ashamed of how this reflects on my family. I know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to going out and being around people...but I believe that some of my anxiety comes from my weight. I hate to think of what people see or what they think of me when they see me.
~ My body is tired. It does not ache all the time, but it just feels tired.
~ I am tired of paying $50 for a pair of jeans, $32 for a bra, $6 for a pair of panties. I want to shop in regular size stores. I know I will never ever be tiny...but I want to know what it is like to shop at a regular store...even if it is for a size XL...it won't be a 4X.
I don't know what is wrong with me...I went to the WW meeting two weeks ago, and have not been back since. I have not tracked, measured, counted, etc. I have been eating crap like I normally do. I have not been working out. I just don't know. I know why I need to lose the weight...I know how I feel...I just don't know how to do it.
I know this has been kind of a depressing post, but I have to get back on track. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to let it all out. I hope to be back on track...losing weight, working out, blogging...I just need to get back in the routine...
Love to All...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
...opened my eyes...
Okay, so my last post was Friday the 16th. That evening started a few days that managed to open my eyes. That night, a couple of hours after Mike went to bed, he woke up with chest pain and difficulity breathing. I was still awake, reading a book in bed. I knew something was not quite right with him, but he was hemming and hawing about calling the doctor, much less going to the emergency room. I don't waste much time, and we decided to go to the ER. I had to wake Little Man up and get him out of bed...but that was the least of my concern. The less than ten minute drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. They rushed Mike in right away. The checked him out and hooked him up and ruled out a heart attack. Thank God. They still had to figure out what exactly caused the chest pain, so they ran more tests. Little Man was tired and restless...thank goodness that the nurse assigned to Mike was a father himself. He raided the hospitals stash of old VHS movies and managed to find a copy of Toy Story 2 for Little Man to watch to pass the time. Mike still had chest pain and pressure, despite the fact that a heart attack was ruled out. They kept giving him morphine for the pain. They were keeping him overnight for observation, we figured that. We made sure that he was comfortable (as can be) in his room before Little Man and I headed home. It was well after 3am, and we were exhausted. Little Man slept in my bed with me...more for my comfort than his. I can't say comfort...he is a kicker!!! I was so tired, that it did not hit me that my husband was not there.
Saturday came and Little Man and I went to the hospital to see Mike. We figured that they would release him, telling him tha the needed to come back for a stress test on Monday. Nope. They were keeping him until Monday. They wanted to make sure that he got the stress test done, and the only way to ensure that was to keep him as a patient. If they sent him home, it would be considered outpatient and he would not get that stress test done until sometime that week. Mike was already bored in the hospital, Little Man was already restless visiting his Daddy, and I was freaking out. Freaking out because this meant I would be alone Saturday and Sunday nights.
I am normally a strong person, but the nights alone freak me out.
I managed to get through the days okay, muddled through them, really. I now know what it is like to be a single parent. I have to hand it to single parents, it is a TOUGH job. Little Man pushed all of my buttons, and pushed them to the limit!!! I had to juggle schedules and get him off to school...all without my support system.
Mike had his stress test and EKG done Monday, along with an ultrasound of his liver. With all of the bloodwork, they found that his liver enzyme level was high and his magnesium level was low...so they did the ultrasound to be safe rather than sorry. All came back fine...EXCEPT for the ultrasound!!! They decided to keep him ANOTHER night!!! I was going batty!!! Again, Mike was bored and I ws freaking out. Little Man was back to his normal schedule, but he missed his Daddy.
I was able to pick him up Tuesday afternoon, and bring him home. Thank goodness.
Through all of this, I realized that I need Mike more than I realize. I love him more than I realize and I need his support and love more than I realize. It opened my eyes as to how much he does for me and our family and how much I love him. I can say that, and know that I always loved him...this just opened my eyes as to how much I really do love him.
Love to All.
Saturday came and Little Man and I went to the hospital to see Mike. We figured that they would release him, telling him tha the needed to come back for a stress test on Monday. Nope. They were keeping him until Monday. They wanted to make sure that he got the stress test done, and the only way to ensure that was to keep him as a patient. If they sent him home, it would be considered outpatient and he would not get that stress test done until sometime that week. Mike was already bored in the hospital, Little Man was already restless visiting his Daddy, and I was freaking out. Freaking out because this meant I would be alone Saturday and Sunday nights.
I am normally a strong person, but the nights alone freak me out.
I managed to get through the days okay, muddled through them, really. I now know what it is like to be a single parent. I have to hand it to single parents, it is a TOUGH job. Little Man pushed all of my buttons, and pushed them to the limit!!! I had to juggle schedules and get him off to school...all without my support system.
Mike had his stress test and EKG done Monday, along with an ultrasound of his liver. With all of the bloodwork, they found that his liver enzyme level was high and his magnesium level was low...so they did the ultrasound to be safe rather than sorry. All came back fine...EXCEPT for the ultrasound!!! They decided to keep him ANOTHER night!!! I was going batty!!! Again, Mike was bored and I ws freaking out. Little Man was back to his normal schedule, but he missed his Daddy.
I was able to pick him up Tuesday afternoon, and bring him home. Thank goodness.
Through all of this, I realized that I need Mike more than I realize. I love him more than I realize and I need his support and love more than I realize. It opened my eyes as to how much he does for me and our family and how much I love him. I can say that, and know that I always loved him...this just opened my eyes as to how much I really do love him.
Love to All.
Friday, July 16, 2010
...trying to waste time...
I am trying to kill a little time...I emptied out my whole closet, and it is not putting itself back together!!! That is what I am filling my days with right now...tearing the house apart and putting it back together. It is not really a lot of fun, but needs to be done. Four years of piling crap on top of crap is finally catching up...and I finally have the time to tackle it. I don't consider myself, or Mike, a hoarder...but we do have a lot of crap!!! I am ready to streamline. Get rid of stuff that we don't need or use. I am tired of hanging onto it. It has to go.
Much has happned in the past couple of weeks. I have not found any kids to take care of, and that bums me out a bit. What bums me out most is that I went on a job interview last week...a job interview FOR THE SCHOOL DISTRICT. Yeah. I did not get the job. They gave it to someone who has their Masters Degree. Now tell me, why someone who has their FLIPPING MASTERS would want an $11/hour Attendance Secretary job?!?!? I feel pretty good about the interview...I was able (via Mike) to follow up with one of the women who interviewed me...and she said that I was among the top candidates. That is all well and good, but I still did not get the job!!! I am okay with it, I just did not realize HOW badly I wanted this secretary job.
Little Man started Kindergarten yesterday, and I feel bad that I don't feel more emotion about it. Everyone has been calling/texting/emailing me asking how he did and how I did. How did I do??? I spent the day running errands. He has been in preschool since he turned three...and he rode a bus as part of his preschool program...SO the first day of Kindergarten was like any other school day. Of course, he is glad to be back in school and into his routine...and I am thrilled that he loves school so much...BUT I am not getting all weepy about it.
So, that closet still hasn't put itself together...but I plan on wasting a little time on the old computer for awhile. Hopefully I will come up with something else to write about soon.
Love to All.
Much has happned in the past couple of weeks. I have not found any kids to take care of, and that bums me out a bit. What bums me out most is that I went on a job interview last week...a job interview FOR THE SCHOOL DISTRICT. Yeah. I did not get the job. They gave it to someone who has their Masters Degree. Now tell me, why someone who has their FLIPPING MASTERS would want an $11/hour Attendance Secretary job?!?!? I feel pretty good about the interview...I was able (via Mike) to follow up with one of the women who interviewed me...and she said that I was among the top candidates. That is all well and good, but I still did not get the job!!! I am okay with it, I just did not realize HOW badly I wanted this secretary job.
Little Man started Kindergarten yesterday, and I feel bad that I don't feel more emotion about it. Everyone has been calling/texting/emailing me asking how he did and how I did. How did I do??? I spent the day running errands. He has been in preschool since he turned three...and he rode a bus as part of his preschool program...SO the first day of Kindergarten was like any other school day. Of course, he is glad to be back in school and into his routine...and I am thrilled that he loves school so much...BUT I am not getting all weepy about it.
So, that closet still hasn't put itself together...but I plan on wasting a little time on the old computer for awhile. Hopefully I will come up with something else to write about soon.
Love to All.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I got today's MeMe from http://www.thedailymeme.com/, which linked me to http://www.samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/
Make Me Say It Again, Girl
Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do "random questions," so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don't have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today's meme!
Saturday 9: Make Me Say It Again, Girl
1. Do you feel that you need to keep repeating yourself when talking to a particular person? ~ sometimes when I talk to Little Man. He is going through a very impatient phase right now, so I am going over the same things over and over and over sometimes!!!
2. It's July. Do you have anything special planned? ~ nothing special...just adjusting to the life of a SAHM!!!
3. Who is your big celebrity crush? ~ John Rzenik, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls, Nick Lachey, and (don't laugh) Adam Lambert...even though I know he is totally gay...I just love how confident and talented he is.
4. Tell us about a local restaurant you are sure we'd love. ~ Imo's Pizza, they serve Saint Louis style (super-thin) pizza, good sandwiches and salads as well.
5. Tell us about the shyest person that you deal with regularly. ~ me...I can be terribly shy in certain situations
6. What is your vision of heaven and hell? ~ embarassingly enough, I have the same vision that an eight year old would have. Heaven is all sunshine and clouds and rainbows...hell is fire and brimstone.
7. What is your neighborhood like? ~ typical suburbia
8. What's your favorite cook-out food? ~ pork steaks (it's a Saint Louis thing)
9. When was the last time that you saw fireworks? ~ last night, my neighbors were setting them off as I was trying to sleep!!!
Love to All
Make Me Say It Again, Girl
Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do "random questions," so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don't have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today's meme!
Saturday 9: Make Me Say It Again, Girl
1. Do you feel that you need to keep repeating yourself when talking to a particular person? ~ sometimes when I talk to Little Man. He is going through a very impatient phase right now, so I am going over the same things over and over and over sometimes!!!
2. It's July. Do you have anything special planned? ~ nothing special...just adjusting to the life of a SAHM!!!
3. Who is your big celebrity crush? ~ John Rzenik, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls, Nick Lachey, and (don't laugh) Adam Lambert...even though I know he is totally gay...I just love how confident and talented he is.
4. Tell us about a local restaurant you are sure we'd love. ~ Imo's Pizza, they serve Saint Louis style (super-thin) pizza, good sandwiches and salads as well.
5. Tell us about the shyest person that you deal with regularly. ~ me...I can be terribly shy in certain situations
6. What is your vision of heaven and hell? ~ embarassingly enough, I have the same vision that an eight year old would have. Heaven is all sunshine and clouds and rainbows...hell is fire and brimstone.
7. What is your neighborhood like? ~ typical suburbia
8. What's your favorite cook-out food? ~ pork steaks (it's a Saint Louis thing)
9. When was the last time that you saw fireworks? ~ last night, my neighbors were setting them off as I was trying to sleep!!!
Love to All
...it hasn't sunk in yet...
...I have been out of work, through my own choosing, since Wednesday evening. It hasn't hit me yet that I am now officially a Stay At Home Mom. I have learned a couple of things over the past few days...
...I really can get stuff done if I set my mind to it...I have relished the role of SAHM so far...I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished. I have a routine down. I am so proud of myself.
...I am not going to let the lack of kids to take care of right now get me down. I still have a little bit of time to get some kids in. I am not giving up on that. I am determined to make this work.
...Mike can be right about some things...
...I can not be left in the house with a box of Drumsticks. Nope. Can't bring those little guys into the house anymore!!! Not if I need to fit in an airplane seat in two months!!!
Nothing too exciting, but hopefully that will change. I am excited to start this next chapter in my family's life. :)
Love to All.
...I really can get stuff done if I set my mind to it...I have relished the role of SAHM so far...I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished. I have a routine down. I am so proud of myself.
...I am not going to let the lack of kids to take care of right now get me down. I still have a little bit of time to get some kids in. I am not giving up on that. I am determined to make this work.
...Mike can be right about some things...
...I can not be left in the house with a box of Drumsticks. Nope. Can't bring those little guys into the house anymore!!! Not if I need to fit in an airplane seat in two months!!!
Nothing too exciting, but hopefully that will change. I am excited to start this next chapter in my family's life. :)
Love to All.
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