..when I don't report...I fall off track...

Yes...I have fallen off the wagon big time. I am not going to make any excuses. I am weak when it comes to food. It tastes so good, and makes me so happy...until I feel sick to my stomach from eating too much...OR until I catch a glimpse of myself. I can't believe what I have become...I can't believe how I have let myself go.

I just don't get it.

I used to have such energy, I used to be so full of life. Michael brings me so much joy...but I don't feel any joy about myself...

I don't mean to sound so sour or down...I am just in a funk.

We took Michael to a Cardinals game this evening...and he was having so much fun. I could only focus on how I did not fit into the seat...or how the rolls of fat would show up in photos. Poor baby had no idea how miserable I felt.

I feel badly for him in the sense that he does not have a mother that can keep up with him. I truly feel that if I don't change something...well, I don't want to think about that.

Today is a new day.

I am ready for a change.

Love to everyone!!! :0)

...Happy Father's Day from one of four girls...

Just thought that I would take a second and wish all of the daddies a Happy Father's Day. My father is an amazing man. Of course, most girls think the same of their daddies, but to this day my father is still the best. He is a great father and an even better grandfather!!! He put up with a lot, having four daughters before his dear son came along. :0) One of my funniest memories is when we were preparing for our annual trip to Walt Disney World. I was a little older, maybe late teens, early twenties (see what I mean, I was old enough to be on my own, but still came along on the awesome family trips to Disney). My mother had fallen and broke her leg. She thought she was going to spoil the whole trip...she was so wrong!!! For a week and a half, we got priority seating at parades and got to go to the front of the line because of her!!! I digress...

My mother usually did most of the trip prep...from getting sun shades for the old Safari van (these will do just fine...) to making sure we had batteries and film, to getting clothes laundered and packed. She always took the four of us to the store to get our necessary trip supplies...new shampoos, sunscreen...anything that teenage girls needed for the trip. Yes, this also meant feminine supplies. The year that Mom broker her leg, Daddy had to take us to get our stuff. This was good, meaning we could load the cart with stuff that Mom would have said no to...CDs for the ride, lots of good junk food, completely new makeup, new hairdryers and curling irons...you get the idea. But this was also bad, as my most vivid memory was of my father standing at the end of the feminine hygene aisle, looking at Mom's list and saying "you girls get whatever it takes...". He was mortified!!! The only thing that makes my strong father weak is feminine products!!! Ha!!!

Of course, I have other great memories of my father...enough to write a book!!! I just figured that I would share one of my favorites!!!

Happy Father's Day Daddy, and Mike...you too are an awesome Daddy.

Love to all.

...roadblocks...just need to get around 'em...

...okay...so I have not been able to blog for a few days...but I am able to blog from my phone (gotta love technology!!!) so I should be able to blog...even if it is a short blog...but I should be able to blog on my downtime.

So...I went to the orientation for the SSM Weight Loss Institute on Monday. I was SO pumped to start. I wanted to start, like yesterday. I had an idea of how the program worked, because of my friend who has been on it. First roadblock...the next "session" of the program does not start until 7/21. Near the end of July??? I was ready to start NOW!!! Okay. I can handle this. It was just a tiny little roadblock. I can totally get around this. I figured I would buy a weeks worth of meals and shakes, and start the program before it officially begins. So I write a check for $113 and change. I get a weeks worth of shelf-stable meals, two cans of shake-mix-powder and 14 snacky bar things. The price did not even phase me, because I figure it has to be cheaper than eating out and eating all of the garbage I have been eating. I have been eating the food...and it is really not bad. Better than I was expecting.

The second roadblock, the REAL roadblock...because I have high blood pressure, I would have to participate in the physician supervised program. Oooookkkkaaayyy. Tell me more about this. Well, I would still have the weekly hour and a half meeting, but I would also have a half hour visit/checkup with the doctor supervising the program. With labwork and the physician visits, the first visit would cost $263 and after that would run about $50-$80 a week PLUS the cost of food. Wow. I was expecting $20 for the meeting plus the cost of the food each week. The kicker is, that even though this is all medically supervised...my insurance does not cover any of it!!! I don't want them to cover my food...just the labwork and doctor visits. They must figure that it is cheaper to keep me fat and on medication and in and out of the hospital and doctors than to cover a medically supervised nutrition/weight loss program. Note the scarsam in my voice. :0) That was a major roadblock, and there did not seem to be a detour.

Mike and I talked it over...and his major concern, of course was the cost. I can't say that I did not agree. This is the one time we ever saw eye to eye on spending/saving money!!! He did meet me in the middle, though (my detour, if you will) and agreed to let me start Weight Watchers again. I have had great luck on WW in the past. I just need the support and to stick with it.

I am excited. This should be easy. I should be able to access mobile.weightwatchers.com from my cell phone...so I can log my food and track points while I am at work. I am excited!!!

Of course, I have been trying to log on from my phone for two days...my device is not yet supported.

Gotta find another detour!!!

Day One...The Journey Begins...

Okay...so I am taking on a lot today...my first blogging attempt!!! What am I thinking??? There is so much that I should be doing...but this is much more fun!!! I am on the computer all of the time anyway, so I may as well post my trials and tribulations. I am supposed to journal thoughts and feelings...but I have so much going through my head at any given moment, that I would have pen and paper in my hand all of the time. Since that is not possible, this is a way to get some of the journalling out of the way.

Why did I start today??? Well, the weight-loss journey has began...once again. This should be the last time. I went to an orientation yesterday for the SSM DePaul Weight Loss Institute. A dear friend of mine has been on their program for almost two years, and she has lost an amazing 176 lbs!!! What I went to was just an orientation, the actual program does not start until 7/21!!! I made my appointment to meet with a nurse for the program...but I decided that I could not wait until 7/21...I am ready NOW!!! Even though I am not officially enrolled, I purchased all of their food for the next week. Man, this is going to be hard. I have had two shakes today, one more to go...I still need to get in three servings of fruit/veg and eat two entrees. It is a lot of food...just not the food that I want!!! ;0) I was putting my entrees in the pantry, and found a stash of Chunky Chips Ahoy!...aruggghhh!!! I got the mail, and there were coupons for Imo's Pizza...my favorite!!!

I am committed to this, and want to succeed...I just have to make sure that I have the support that I need!!! I am most afraid of the cost...insurance most likely will not cover the cost of the labs/doctors consultations. That can be pricey. Mike (my DH) is concerned about not only the cost, but my commitment to it. He has seen me both succeed and fail on every other diet in the past. That is the hardest part, wondering if I will have his backing. Then there is the whole other angle that Mike and Michael (DS, 4 1/2) will be eating regular food...that is going to be hard.

Oh well. That is what I am here for, and hopefully what you are here for!!! I can start this journey with the support of friends and family, near and far!!!