...another day, another med...

*sigh*

Can I just start out by stating that pharmaceutical companies hack me off.  See, I had an appointment to see my doctor at 2:30.  I got there a little early.  The waiting room is small, and there were a few people there.  I get nervous in this waiting room...I feel alone.  I don't know why.  Anyway, there were also three smartly dressed people, with name badges on, each with a briefcase and a laptop.  They were in the waiting room, clicking away.  I texted the whole time...to keep my mind (or try to keep my mind) off of the small, crowded, noisy waiting room.  If you happen to follow me on twitter (@dizny1) then you might have seen some of my tweets.  I kept checking the time...noticing that none of the patient-looking people were called, but the smartly dressed name badge people were quickly ushered in.  I just sighed and settled in, continung to complain via text and check the time.  A couple of the patient-looking people were called in after the name badge people left.  It was now after 3:30.  An hour had passed!!!  I am not one to stir the pot or complain...so I just sat there and stewed.  And texted. 

I finally got in to see the doc.  In and out in less than 15 minutes.  Seriously.  She asked some questions, took some notes, prescribed me new meds and left it at that.  See you in four weeks.

I am seriously considering a new doctor.

Hopefully the new meds will help with my sleep and stabilize my mood.  The rollercoaster I am on is exhausting.  I don't know how to handle being happy, being sad, being mad, being angry.  Am I only happy when I am sad???  I feel motivated and unmotivated at the same time.  Typical.  Being labelled as bi-polar sucks.  Am I truly bi-polar???  Is it ADHD???  I know there is some OCD, and I can admit that.  I just wonder if I really need a label???  Does everyone have to have some sort of label???  These are all new emotions to me.  At 36, I feel like a child...who can't handle the ups and downs of life. 

Downside, the meds CAN cause weight gain.  The slow progress over these past 20 pounds has inspired me (I can buy smaller clothes, not 100% there yet, but it is PROGRESS), but if I see the scale going up despite my efforts, I might be tempted to throw in the towel.  I have failed before.  I don't want to fail now. 

I am scared.  I am scared of these crazy meds.  I am scared of my moods.  I am scared of weight gain.  I am scared that the meds are what is causing me not to get pregnant.  I am scared that if I do get pregnant, the meds are going to mess with me and/or the baby.  I am scared that in the eyes of my doctor, I am just another scribble on her prescription pad.  My therapist wants my meds to get straightened out.  I agree.  I am on such a cocktail of meds right now.  Again, so many plates are spinning, so much going on.  Where do I start???  All I can do is take things one tiny little babystep at a time.  Maybe my plates will stop spinning so quickly.  Maybe they won't fall down and break.  Maybe they will end up in the cabinet where they belong!!!