Just Another Day...In My Little World

So I Took a Little Break...So What?!?!?

2012-02-13T21:20:00.000-06:00

So I took a little break. I faced it, and am moving on. No excuses. My heart hasn't been in it. My mind hasn't been in it. Right now, I am back to spinning all of those plates. Blogging slipped by the wayside. It is not ALL bad. Promise. I am working on some neat, new things that I am SUPER excited about. Here is an overall update...

Health ~ well, we have ALL been feeling kind of gross since the holidays. I am chalking this up to the crazy weather we have had this winter. Most of our days have been pretty mild, above freezing mostly, and we have (up until today) had barely two inches of snow. Now, the temperatures can swing, and I think we just need a good freeze to "kill" the germs. Maybe it is an old wives tale, but we have all been so sick this winter that I think we really DO need a freeze. I'll take the warm temperatures, though. The good thing is, Big Daddy hasn't been plagued by the cough/pneumonia that he seems to get every. single. year. We have all been fighting colds, sinus problems, clogged/infected ears and sore throats. Strep has been running rampant in the school, and I can't afford to get it again. I have had it four times in the last month, and am afraid the next time I get it, my doctor will talk about taking the tonsils out.
I was in the Emergency Room recently. Nothing related to our icky sickies lately, but because of my monthly period. Now, I have been getting my period since I was 11. Yes, 11. I have been dealing with it for quite. some. time. now. I have never, ever experienced heavy bleeding like I did on Friday. To spare the dreaded TMI, lets just say that I was passing blood clots. Lots and lots of clots. The size and quickness of these were shocking to me, enough for me to call Big Daddy (the man watched me give birth, I knew this would not bother him). He was concerned enough to hand me the phone. The nurse at the after-hours line was concerned enough to send me to the ER. I checked out all right, just a case of Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding. Nothing to worry about. I have to follow up with my OB/GYN for an ultrasound. Yay. I seriously want to rule out anything serious...but I also want answers. If it is anything more than a heavy period, this could explain a lot about how I have been feeling.
I have been talking with a co-worker (dare I say, friend) that I trust dearly, and have decided to go back to a therapist and psychiatrist to get me back on track with my meds. The blog is kind of a big-picture to how things are going in my life. If it feels too overwhelming, then I neglect it. The house has been in worse shape, but I am no longer counting the "my house has been clean for X" days. Big Daddy is helping a lot, but I feel so overwhelmed.

Because we are talking about a clean house...it goes hand-in-hand with our "purging/packing like we are moving" blitz, because...well, we ARE moving. I don't like it.

Finances ~ We are working with our financial advisor to pay down a lot of our old debt. This hurts. We might have an opportunity to get a fairly-new (built in 2006, I believe) condo for a steal. As much as I love this house, it won't be ours. If the condo doesn't work out, we are working with a realtor to help us. Lots of plates spinning here, but I am okay with this one. Big Daddy is in charge of these plates.

Little Man ~ I feel like we are back to square one here. We have an appointment with ANOTHER psychologist (in the same group as the one we saw before) this week. We wanted someone a little closer to home. Of course, we can't get him in to see a new neurologist in this group, because he is currently being seen by psychologists (???). He is doing all right. I just think that things could be so much better for him.

My work with Little Miss M ~ we are in a new classroom. Yes, Little Miss M's mother moved her into a different classroom. I have been pushing for this for months now, so I am excited to see where this takes her. I could go into a whole other blogpost on this subject, and I will. It has been a roller coaster couple of weeks, but it is SO worth it!!!

Disney News ~ I am not sure what "category" this falls under, but just last week, I was invited to participate in the Disney Parks InsidEARS. What an honor to be named one of the first 1000 InsidEARS!!! More details to come (I am getting tired). The site is still in testing, but what it amounts to is that it is a forum for fans of Disney Parks to share ideas, tips and tricks. No surprise here, but I am an "expert" in Disney's Hollywood Studios (my favorite park) and Disney Shopping.
I knew my love of Disney Dooney & Bourke purses would pay off!!!
I am very, VERY new to the InsideEARS, but am excited to share the journey with you.

That is about it. Doesn't seem like a lot has been going on, but there really has been.

Love to All.

Digging Deeper

2012-02-02T22:07:00.000-06:00

Day 2: Tell Us About Your Father

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

I love my father. I always saw myself as a Daddy's Girl. But I wasn't/am not. I had to split that title with three other sisters. Maybe that was my problem growing up (and now???). I don't like to share.

Yeah, I'm kind of a brat like that.

My father always worked very hard. He always gives 100%. He loves children. He is a kid at heart.

Everything I ~~did~~ do is with my father in mind. Will he like it, will he hate it, how will he react???

And yes, my Daddy is the smartest man in the world. Whenever Big Daddy and I have a debate about something or we question something, I always come out with "My Daddy says..." My sister jokes that we need to write a book titled "My Daddy Says"...of course, since then there has been a book called {something along the lines of (I can't remember the exact title)} "Sh*t My Dad Says". I think they may have even made a TV show based on it. Ours wouldn't have a curse word in the title. Heck, I don't even SAY curse words in front of my parents.

Seriously. I don't.

I think what I can summarize is that whatever I do, it is {has always been} to please BOTH of my parents. I think I have touched on this in therapy. I am an adult, and I am still trying to make my parents happy. I am trying to make my parents accept me. I am trying to make my parents love me.

Wow. Maybe I should get back into therapy. I need to show my therapist these entries.

I told her {my therapist} that I often feel like a kid. That family (parents, extended family, etc.) treat me like a child, still. I can't shake that feeling that I am just a little girl...playing house...playing Mommy...playing my way through life. I am not sure if that is stemmed from my need to please people.

I am not sure when growing up is going to hit me.

Okay, so I know this didn't touch on telling about my father...much like yesterday I didn't tell much about my mother. Sure, I didn't write their autobiographies, but in writing my thoughts and questions, it sure makes me look at myself and my relationships.

Relationships with others, and with myself.

Love to All.

Long Rambling Post...Much Like An Hour Of Therapy

2012-02-01T21:43:00.000-06:00

So, I am trying to commit to the whole NaBloPoMo thing, because I think it will make me a better writer. It will give me endurance; the endurance of writing each and every single day (or 18 out of 31 days). It will give me a sense of community. Because of my participation in NaBloPoMo, other bloggers worldwide will sing my praises.

Yeah, right.

I write for myself. It is an outlet. I am writing to get my feelings out. I get my frustrations out. I post good things. I post bad things. It is like a diary. Daily life. Secrets. Fears. Confessions. Musings. Observations. B*tching. I cover it all.

So, I think to myself, "You can totally do the blogging every day for a month thing this time around. There are only 28 29 days in February". I hopped on over to BlogHer.com and checked out this month's topic. It is "relative". Okay, how hard could that be???

Day 1: Tell Us About Your Mother

What is this, therapy?!?!?

Oh yeah, it kind of is.

I am not going to go in too deep, but here goes...

I love my mother.

Now that I am a mother, I appreciate what she went through, five times over.

I still have a lot of questions about my childhood. Nothing too bad. Just want to know if my mother struggled with the same things that I do.

I want to know what made my mom do some of the things she did. What is her relationship with her mother really like??? As an adult and mother, I am thinking it is not all it is cracked up to be.

I want to know if my mother was disappointed. Disappointed in her kids, her life, her situation, whatever. I know my mother loves my father, but growing up, I did not see a lot of affection. It is almost like, all the kids are grown up and out of the house, so my parents finally had a chance to "get to know one another". Weird.

My mom is a lot more easygoing now than she was when we were growing up. She is a great Grandmother. It kind of makes me sad. Not that my childhood was bad, by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes me a little sad to see my mom so animated and *fun* with my son and my nephews. I don't know.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. My mom has done a lot for me. She helps me when I need it, and I know she would do anything for me (and Little Man and Big Daddy) and she is a good woman. I just have a lot of questions.

First: Why did she put me on a diet when I was barely nine years old??? I look back at pictures, and don't see a fat kid. I might not have been the same size as my classmates, but I wasn't fat. I know she did Weight Watchers back in the early days (I remember her eating a lot of cottage cheese and tuna), and looking back she didn't need to lose weight, either. Where did this come from??? I think this has a lot to do with my unhealthy relationship with food. She used to "hide" all of the good food from me (but had no problem giving it to my younger, cuter, smaller sisters). Of course, that meant when I had my first taste of freedom, I would buy (and eat) whatever I wanted.

The first taste of freedom was also where I learned to throw up when I ate too much, spit out food instead of swallowing it (I just wanted to taste it) and where I learned to hide and sneak my own food and eating.

Okay. Seems pretty heavy and negative. I love my mom. I truly do. I just apparently have questions (and issues) with some stuff from when I was little. Hanging heavy on my mind for the past 30-ish years. Don't mean to sound so negative, but these are some of the things that I need to work out with my mother. I just don't see it happening. My family loves one another, and we have a good time, and we get along great...

We just don't talk about a lot of things.

Love to All.

January...A Month In Review

2012-01-31T21:37:00.001-06:00

Okay...so I started the month out all gung-ho. I was going to blog more. I was going to keep the house neater. I was going to eat better. I was going to exercise more. Well, I am doing all right. Not perfect, but all right. I am happy with that.

I have blogged 17 (18 counting today...duh) days this month. This is good, considering I only posted 28 blogs all last year. This is bad, because if my blogging were being graded on effort alone, I would be failing. 18/31 is 58% (which was an F when I was in school). Heck, last year I should have been held back. 28/365 is 7%!!!

House neater??? That is negotiable. It is not bad. It is not as good as it was 62 (!!!) days ago, but we are making progress. Purging is a hard process. This all might be sped up (purging, gutting, MOVING) because of a possible opportunity. No, we might NOT move back to Florida. This could be a good thing. I am not going to count my chickens before they hatch, but I feel pretty good.

Eat better and exercise more??? Meh. I have been eating okay, not 100% better but I am getting better. Exercise??? I have been fighting this cold/flu/virus/ick for about a month now...hard to move. I know, paltry excuse...but it has been hard to function, let alone get on a bike at the gym. I have been dabbling with myfitnesspal.com, and I really like it (I super-really-like that it is FREE). I put a weight loss ticker on the side of my blog. One pound. One measly pound. Yeah, yeah...at least it isn't a pound GAINED or you should never discount just one pound...but I have been working at it for a month now.

Working at it??? Imagine what my progress would be if I actually tried.

No, I don't mean to be a downer. January has been a great month. 2012 is shaping up to be a pretty good year. I am ready for the ride. Who knows what might happen next!!!

Love to All.

Words of Wisdom, from me?!?!?

2012-01-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

...last night, I got a Facebook from Little Miss M's mom. She works at the school where Little Man and Little Miss M attend, and (obviously) where I work as well. She is an amazing woman and mother, and I am honored to know her, and (hopefully) call her a friend. {yes, I still have issues with making and keeping friends at my age...insecurity??? Probably}

Not to copy what she wrote word-for-word (to protect her privacy), she was writing to ask if I had any "words of wisdom" to share about kids like Little Man and Little Miss M, ever being made to feel like a bad parent, or others not understanding your child. Miss M's Mom had to remove her from a birthday party yesterday because of a meltdown. Miss M's Mom just wants her to enjoy social situations. Miss M's Mom worries about having social expectations for Little Miss M that she may not achieve, and being worried about what other parents think. She asked about "just accepting things". That is something that I have struggled with. This is what I wrote in reply...

I have TOTALLY had many moments like yours. They go so far back, I honestly have blocked a lot of them out. Things had (have) to be just-so to him. I did not "get" a lot of it at first, but over the last five-ish years, I have just rolled with it (for lack of a better term). We still get stares, comments, whispers...even as recently as a month or so ago at his swim lessons. I have tried my best to develop a thick skin, but it has been hard. They are talking about, and assuming things about YOUR baby. It literally made me sick when he was three. Anxiety took over, and I still struggle with it. Sounds bad, but I try not to care what everyone else thinks...my best interest is my son.

Over the past year or so, his "social skills" class with {insert teacher here} has helped him tremendously. I honestly can't remember if this was touched on when he was in preschool. I am not even 100% certain what is taught in the class, but I think she has taught him how to handle his emotions when things don't go his way. This weekend, at the Cub Scouts Pinewood Derby, his car was the first to be eliminated. I could tell he wanted to scream and shout (and cry), but he held it together. I cried more than he did, because he looked so sad. He said he was sad that he didn't win, but he had fun, and he knows what to do to his car next year. Huge step. Six-year old {Little Man} would have kicked the track and thrown himself on the ground.

I still stick around with him at birthday parties, he hasn't gone on an overnight yet, and playdates are harder on me than they are on him. I try not to shelter him, and it is easier to keep an arms length distance from him the older he gets. I also don't shout to the world "he is on the Autism Spectrum" unless the situation merits it. I let his swim coach and Cub Scout Den Master know, and they have been more than understanding with him.

Since Asperger's and Sensory Disorders are "invisible", many people think he is a kid throwing a temper tantrum. It could be him reacting to noises that are deafening or lights are too strong to him (even though we may have been in this particular place hundreds of times before). It could be because someone in charge told the children to do one thing, and there is one kid not following along. So many different triggers, these are just a few.

I will be honest, it took me a long time to get to where I kind of just accept things. Every social situation brings up new fears in me, but they have eased the older he gets.

What I always remember, in both {Little Man and Little Miss M's} case is that what it boils down to, they are just kids. Expectations on a seven and a four year old today are so high. Not that they shouldn't do what teachers say or follow the rules...but they are just kids...they should not be expected to act like little adults (that is totally just my opinion, though).

They are amazing kids, smart and funny and caring. I don't let it get under my skin when people are looking at {Little Man} because he is doing the "jump and flap" that he does when he gets excited, because whatever he is getting excited about is something he is passionate about, and that is what is important. I don't let it bother me when other people look at him because he is throwing a fit in a store. It isn't because he can't get a new game or toy or something, it could be because he is hearing some sort of buzzing that we don't (seriously, he can hear a fly before it enters a room) and it is bothering him. I just remember that he is incredibly smart, talented, funny, caring, and that he is just a seven year old boy.

I am not sure I helped or not, just speaking from experience. It is so hard to put into words. I can just speak from my heart and from what has happened to me and my Little Man.

Love to All.

What "Cruising on a Friday Night" Means at My Age

2012-01-20T21:56:00.002-06:00

I am a little stuck tonight. Perhaps it is the multitasking I am trying to do. Yeah. Multitasking is kind of a loose picture of what I am trying to do. I am sitting here, almost two hours after dinner was finished, chatting with Big Daddy on the phone (it is all his fault, right?!?!?), and cruising through Facebook and Pinterest. Yeah. I remember fondly when cruising on a Friday night involved my three best girlfriends, a 1987 Toyota Celica, a mix tape in the deck and a stop at the Dairy Queen.

Now I comment on friends status updates about the weather in their area, check-ins from their travels (I have a lot of FB friends who are always on the road, it seems), pictures of their puppies, or their link to The Wiggles official Facebook page post about Greg coming back as the Yellow Wiggle and Sam getting the boot.

Yes, seriously. That is what my Facebook newsfeed looks like this evening. No, I am not joking about the Wiggle post. A girlfriend from High School has a nine-month old little girl who is OBSESSED with The Wiggles. I have a son that ~~was~~ is obsessed with The Wiggles. This is big news.

I love Pinterest. It is so much fun, and there are so many good ideas shared there. I can't even really describe what Pinterest is exactly, but I can say that it is addictive.

I am having trouble getting a "snapshot" type photo of my Pinterest page. I can set up a link to my page. I like photos in my blog (and the blogs that I read) so I can post a few of my pins...

Here is an example of a "pin" that I liked. I pinned this to my "My Style" board. The board is actually titled "My Style, I'm a Hot Mess because I really am. I don't have one certain styles, but there are a lot of styles that I like!!!

This is an example of a "pin" that I pinned to my "...made me laugh..." board. You see, it is funny because it is a photo of the actor/rapper Ice-T ON an iced tea fountain. Funny??? Yes. The internet is full of crap like this.

This is an example of a "pin" that I pinned to my "...food, delicious food..." board. I haven't made this recipe yet (something involving bacon...which means you really can't go wrong), but I have made a couple of the recipes I have found.

Basically, Pinterest is like a big forum for people (mainly women) to share what they find out there on the internet and gives it a"storage space", for the stuff that you may want to read later, stuff you might want to try out, or just things you like in general. There are so many great ideas. I like all of the funny stuff, and the things that make me laugh, but there are a lot of great tips...real tips. Organizing, household cleaning, food, exercise...so much. It is a lot of fun.

What prompted this whole blogpost was that I was stuck about what to write. My whole thing lately is that I don't want to post something for the sake of posting (aka, I don't want to put out crap). I was on the whole "blogging every day for a month" bandwagon...but then I thought, I don't want to write a post just to have some sort of streak and some of the posts be junk...I would rather skip a day or two and write about something better. I know there are blogging ideas out there, but some of them are just so random (or general) that they don't feel sincere to me. I do get ideas every now and then from BlogHer, and they have something known as "NaBloPoMo"...I think it means National Blog Posting Month. They have a "theme" every month, and even give you writing prompts for each (M-F) day. I obviously can't commit to posting every. single. day., BUT I do like to go there when the well runs a little dry.

This month's theme is "beginnings". It all makes sense. January means a clean slate, a new start. There have been some very good topics brought up, but none that made me want to put fingers to keyboard and type. Until tonight. I was going through some of the January prompts, and came across one from January 16th simply saying "Tell us about some of your first toys".

Funny they mention this, because I just created a Pinterest pin board called "...toys I had as a child...". Just so happens that I created this board on January 16th!!! I love this board, it is filled with wonderful Fisher-Price and Playskool Weeble Wobble toys from the 1970s and 1980s. There are only 11 pins on this board so far (I didn't want to go all crazy right off the bat) but I can see it growing quickly.

So, my original post was going to be about some of my beloved childhood toys. I will save that post for another day. I had to share the love of Pinterest which led me to rediscover some of my favorite toys.

Keep ~~watching~~ pinning!!!

Love to All.

Baseball Cards, Cr*p, and Why I Shouldn't Write While I Watch Hoarding Shows

2012-01-18T21:37:00.000-06:00

...so, I took a couple of days off from blogging. Just a couple. I have already blogged half as much this year (18 days in) as I did ALL of last year. Nothing important, nothing life changing. Just my everyday life.

I think I have finally kicked this bug/virus/ick thing that I have had forever. I went to the doctors on Monday. My ears were clear, my throat was clear. That was good. No ear infection, no strep. Whatever it was (most likely a cold with inflamed Eustachian tubes) wiped me out. I hope to bounce back. I'm not going to promise to get to the gym at 5 tomorrow morning, but I hope to get back to the old routine!!!

I am kind of (KIND OF) coming to grips with the whole "down-sizing and moving into a smaller place" thing. Kind of. I see the good of it.

I pass by smaller houses, duplexes, townhomes...and I think, "Wow, we could move back into a place that size". But, I am also a creature of habit (so to say).

I love this house, Little Man loves this house, I love the fenced-in yard, I love that I can have my dogs (aka Dumb and Dumber), I love our neighbors, I love the neighborhood.

Big Daddy doesn't like the amount that we are paying in rent, and right now there is no hope on the horizon to buy this house. For heaven's sake, our financial planner even told us to downsize!!! She did not say outright that we were living above our means, but she doesn't like the wheel we are spinning on.

I don't know if I am 100% ready. I am not sure if it is stubbornness or laziness.

In my head, I can totally see downsizing this year and moving back to Florida after Little Man finishes second grade.

We can do this. Big Daddy is already going gung-ho. I almost don't want to stop him, because he is letting stuff go.

We bought a beautiful computer desk about five years ago. It is also huge. We moved it into the spare room when we moved into this house, and it has pretty much sat there since. We rarely use our desktop anymore. Little Man used it for awhile, and it still works...but we are definitely laptop people. We have three, two working well, one needing help. If we keep the desktop (IF), we could get a smaller desk. Big Daddy thinks that we need the desk for the Ethernet (???) for AT&T Uverse. We also have a nice scanner/copier/printer that we bought last summer. We can keep what we need to, but just keep it in a smaller space.

Big Daddy is willing to let the desk go.

Wow.

Its not, "well, we paid X-amount of dollars for this". No argument. I was surprised. He is willing to sell it.

Of course, he is still bringing crap into the house.

I am not going to say he is a hoarder, but he likes stuff.

I like stuff, too. I like my clothes, I like my shoes, I like things for Little Man (clothes, toys, etc.). I love my Disney Dooney & Bourke purses. I can also let go.

Big Daddy doesn't like just stuff. He likes crap. Other people's crap that he gets for free.

Teachers at his school were purging old binders. We have them. Probably 50 of them. With the crap still inside them. Big Daddy brought them home for his Baseball Card collection. Big Daddy will have to go through his collection and sort them as to what binder they will go into. Before he can even do that, he has to take the crap OUT of the binders so he can put the baseball cards in them.

Long story, short. Instead of letting the teachers throw their crap out, Big Daddy brought them home (STILL FILLED WITH THE CRAP) and stuck them in the garage.

Great.

I can see them moving from this house, to our downsized place (if that is a step) to a place all the way in Florida. Then, I foresee them sitting in a storage shed in Florida. A storage shed is a given in Florida for us. The whole no basement thing.

We seriously have bins that moved with us from Florida (in 2003), to a storage shed (because when we first moved up here, we stayed with my sister and brother-in-law for two months), to our apartment (where we had a spare room, so we didn't need a storage shed), to our townhome (where we had a basement/storage area) to our house (where we have a basement). We have been in this house since June 2006. Seriously. I don't think the bins have been opened.

I foresee a lot of eBay (for our Disney crap that have sat in those bins for nearly nine years) and a HUGE garage sale.

Wish us me luck.

Love to All.

Random thoughts...

2012-01-14T23:06:00.000-06:00

...I got nothing...

...except maybe poor grammar...

...still feeling sick...finally getting around to calling the doctor on Monday...

I have to shake this.

I just hope that it is not depression coming back, rearing it's ugly head...

I have been spending the evening comparing my life to the wonderful life I could have via Pinterest.

And it depresses me even more.

Love to All.

...I don't mean to sound whiny, but...

2012-01-13T23:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight was Family Movie night at the school. I love working at the school, I love that my son goes to the school, I love being involved in the school. Yes, I feel that I spread myself too thin sometimes...but, to my defense, I am kind of a single mom.

Yes, I went there.

I love my husband. He is much better to me than I really deserve. I am kind of a brat. Okay. I am a brat. He puts up for me.

But he is not around.

Don't get me wrong. He is working. It is not like he is really not around. ~~I just take a lot of the load with Little Man.~~ (I crossed that out, because it means I really didn't say that, right?!?!?)

Big Daddy even says that he feels like the "Divorced Dad" since he really only sees Little Man on the weekends.

Little Man wants swim lessons. I take him. Little Man wants to join Cub Scouts. I take him. Little Man wants to go to Exerfun. I take him. Little Man wants to play soccer. I will take him. Little Man plays baseball in the summer. I will take him. Little Man has school functions and activities. I take him. Little Man voiced an interest in Junior Wrestling. Big Daddy's interest was peaked. Yeah. I put my foot down to that one. Junior Wrestling takes place at the school where Big Daddy works, and he told me those kids (and parents) are there two hours a night, five nights a week.

No. Freaking. Way.

Ten hours a week for him to wrestle.

My calendar is a mess as it is. It would be different if Big Daddy worked a "normal" schedule, so he could help take Little Man to activities. I might (MIGHT) even consider the wrestling thing, if Big Daddy took him.

Tonight was something fun, Family Movie Night. The PTO (of which I am a member, the Recognition Committee Chariman as a matter of fact) sponsored it. It was free for families, and they charged a little for popcorn and drinks The movie was "Finding Nemo", which we have seen a million times. Little Man was totally looking forward to this, and so was I. I just hate that Big Daddy missed it.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that we have the opportunity to do fun stuff, and that Little Man has activities that he is involved in...and I don't mind ~~carting him around all over town~~ doing things for him. I just hate that Big Daddy misses the fun stuff, too.

The schedule worked well before Little Man turned three and had all of his therapies. They would come to the house (or Big Daddy would take him out) in the mornings while I was at work. The schedule also meant that my parents (who were Little Man's caretakers while we worked full time) only watched him a few hours a day.

Now, I am over it.

I am thankful that he is employed. That is all that should matter. I should be thankful that this is all that I have to b*tch about.

Love to All.

...positive things about a Snow Day (yes, there are some)...

2012-01-12T21:34:00.000-06:00

...we had a snow day today...it was a blessing in disguise.

I woke up at 5am, peeked out the window...I saw it had snowed, but the news did not show we were closed. I woke up again around 5:30, and the school closed announcement came through the news. Then I got the two phone calls (my cell phone and the house phone)...Big Daddy got the call on his cell, I got the text, the email and my employee email. I got texts from both of my Site Coordinators. Yes, I would say that the first time for our district automated alert system worked quite well.

I say the snow day was a blessing in disguise. Yes, I had to work, but not until noon. That afforded me all sorts of extra sleep!!! I was feeling awful last night, it was the worst night yet. I was so tired and achy that I could hardly stand up!!! We ordered Pizza Hut for dinner (that just goes to show how awful I felt, I don't even LIKE Pizza Hut!!!) and waited an hour and a half for it. No, it wasn't late or anything, that is how long the delivery was expected. Supposed to show up by 7:33, came at 7:31. We ate, read a few chapters of "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" (Little Man kept asking for just one more) and went to bed. I got a good night sleep for the first time in about a week!!! The thermometer never showed that I ran a fever, but I kept alternating between sweating and getting chills last night.

In a way, it was also a blessing. I worked from noon - 5pm. In preschool. We had 13 students, two being special needs (so they had one-on-ones), so there were two teachers for 11 students. I came in, the kids were finishing lunch...then they took their naps...glorious, more-than-two-hour naps!!! Parents started picking up kids after nap, and then it was time to go home!!! I can handle days like that. Plus, as much as I love Little Miss M, she can be exhausting...so it was a little break. Heck, my own son exhausts me!!! I have been burning the candle at both ends with whatever this sickness has been, so it was an appreciated break.

Since I have been so draggy lately, the house has kind of slid. It has been worse, but it has gotten me down. I will still call it "clean" because I can see countertops in the kitchen and carpet in the family room. Tonight, I was feeling good enough to unload/load the dishwasher, fold some laundry and throw a load in the washed and dryer. Doesn't sound like much, but it made a HUGE improvement!!! I even made Little Man dinner (go me!!!).

Of course, it feels like there is a huge boulder scratching at my throat, but I am functioning...that is all I can ask for.

Not certain about the state of school tomorrow. I would kind of like to know before I go to bed rather than get the phone calls/texts/emails tomorrow morning!!! Oh well, either way, I will be okay.

Love to All.

...really, REALLY lazy "Wordless Wednesday"...

2012-01-11T19:57:00.000-06:00

...still feeling sick...hoping it is not Strep Throat...just my luck...

Until then, a "Wordless Wednesday" Post...

My Little Man. My reason for living.

Love to All.

...still swimming...

2012-01-10T20:51:00.002-06:00

...amazing how your life can be turned upside down in just an instant...

...we will be okay, we will get through...it is just a minor bump in the road...

...working things out...

...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...

...of course, now I am craving a freaking Big Mac...heaven help me...

Love to All

...what do we do? We swim, swim...

2012-01-09T21:13:00.000-06:00

...yesterday, when I had my lazy day, I spent some time reading through some blogs. I discovered a neat, new (to me) Disney blog, "Passport to Dreams Old & New". I really like it because it showcases a lot of "vintage" Walt Disney World. The WDW of the seventies, the WDW that I absolutely adore. Not that I don't love Walt Disney World now, because we all know that I do...but I love the simplicity of Walt Disney World prior to 1982 (when Epcot opened).

In catching up on old blogs, I found myself going through some of my old posts. I have been doing the blogging thing for about two years now. When I look through some of the older posts, I realize that I am fighting a lot of the same demons that I was two years ago. Two years ago, I was thrilled with the prospect that my OB/GYN said that if I lost 15 lbs. and wasn't pregnant in six months that we would start fertility treatments. Really??? I wanted another baby a mere two years ago??? Wow.

I am still dealing with my weight, exercise, finances, anxiety, depression. What good has come out of the last two years???

Well, nothing about weight and exercise has changed...good or bad.

Finances. We are working our way out of debt. Our credit scores are improving. I no longer spend hours upon hours at Target. Yes, Target is my local-go-to-happy-place, but it is not sucking $500/week out of me.

Yes, it used to be a $500/week habit. Big Daddy and my therapist nipped that in the bid, real quick.

Anxiety and depression...I haven't seen my therapist in over a year. I have not been on meds in about a year and a half. I feel okay. There is a lot that needs to be worked on, especially since Little Man will most likely be seeing a professional about HIS anxiety. Overall, I am in a much better place than I was two years ago. I attribute this to...

My job. I am no longer in a job that sucks the life out of me. Sure, it was good paying and had great benefits, but it was mind-numbing. I couldn't do that anymore. I love my current job, and hope to be doing it for a long time.

My mantra has always been to take things one day at a time. I just keep swimming, and that is all that I can do.

Sure, not a whole lot has changed, but I have grown.

Love to All.

...lazy Sunday...

2012-01-08T21:24:00.000-06:00

...I have slept for more than 15 hours today. My throat is tight and scratchy, my head feels like it is a ton of bricks.

House is still "clean", but you can tell I am not feeling well...dishes in the sink, laundry needs to be folded, remnants of Christmas are still around...all can wait until tomorrow. In the meantime, Little Man and I are curled up on the couch, watching a movie. I need to take care of myself...if I don't, then who will???

Love to All.

...Christmas Stuff, Purging, Gymboree-Hand-Me-Downs and Underpants...

2012-01-07T21:51:00.001-06:00

...nothing to report...still feeling icky...

Day 30 of the house staying "clean". Working on taking Christmas down today. Makes my heart a little heavy, but it is all good. Going through Little Man's toys...again. Deciding what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, what to pitch. You would think that this would be easy, considering how nervous toys have made him lately. Nope. Not even close. You see, Little Man is something of a hoarder. No, not like the hoarders that I watch on TV. He just hates parting with anything. I have to be sneaky about going through his things. Once, I was cleaning out his drawers, and had a pile of too-small-underpants. He asked what I was going to do with them. I told him that I was going to throw them out since they were old, and didn't fit him any longer {and really, what DO you do with old underpants??? They are clean and all, but I don't think I could drop them off at Goodwill. I certainly can't give them to my sister ~ she doesn't even want Little Man's hand-me-down-even-if-they-are-Gymboree-and-Little-Man-rarely-wears-things-for-more-than-one-season-hand-me-downs}. He got upset and said that I couldn't get rid of them because they were "his favorites". Now to his credit, they were the tiny little Spongebob and The Wiggles underpants that he wore when he was first potty-trained, so they may have held strong memories for him. I had to sneak them out to the garbage when he was playing outside with Big Daddy.

Of course, when I was little, I thought that my toys (things) {and my food, for that matter} had "feelings"...and I most certainly did not want to hurt anyone's feelings {which is why I was a Charter Member of the Clean Plate Club}. I can see Little Man thinking that someone {or something} would be hurt if he got rid of it.

Oh, the therapy that I should still be attending {and he needs to attend, most certainly}.

Of course, I keep all of Little Man's important things...I just didn't need the potty-training-underpants.

He is such a lucky little boy. He has so much to be thankful for. I want him to live in the present, not in the past.

I should practice what I preach.

Love to All.

...what does E mean???

2012-01-06T21:30:00.000-06:00

...feeling sick...need to call doctor about rattling/wheezing in my chest. Yuk.

TOM came for a visit today. I hate TOM.

Yeah, TOM is {time of month}. Really, TOM is a bother. An unnecessary nuisance. I am finished having kids.

Pretty bold statement.

But it's true. I don't want any more kids. I am crazy about the one I've got. I love him more than life itself. I love kids in general, I just don't want any more.

My mom had my brother (kid number five) when she was my age. I don't think I could do that. I am too tired. I feel too old. Big Daddy is 45. That means if we had a baby, he would be 63 when that kid graduated high school.

It wouldn't be fair to the child if I were to have a baby at this point in my life.

Wow. That kind of came from left field.

My original blog post was going to be a b*tch session about Gymboree making so many of their clothes for little boys with white sleeves, white collars and white cuffs.

Really. Have you ever had to wash a white-collared Gymboree rugby-shirt the day that the barbecue rib sandwich was served in the school cafeteria???

Maybe I should pay attention to the school lunch calendar before I lay out Little Man's clothes.

Yeah, but the whole TOM rant is more along my mood and frame of mind this evening. I feel icky. Oh so icky.

Oh, I went to weigh myself this morning...~~the support group~~ (oh wow, I just admitted to joining an online SUPPORT GROUP!!!) the group swapping diet/exercise/Disney tips on Facebook (yes, you can find a group for EVERYTHING on Facebook) weighs in on Fridays. So, I step on the scale to get a start weight.

I get "E". As in error.

Or as in elephant.

I think I am too big for our bathroom scale. Big Daddy says it happens to him every now and then...it takes a few times to get a reading. It is a cheap scale.

I think he is pretty good at enabling me, as well.

I think the "E" should be a sign. A big, fat sign.

Love to All.

....I would like Ambien, a large waffle fry, space in my bed...oh, and a Large Diet Lemonade, please...

2012-01-05T21:25:00.000-06:00

...I don't have a lot of time to devote to blogging this evening...so I apologize in advance.

My big question, or "ponder" of the day today has been...why do two little dogs (both weighing less than 15 lbs apiece) suddenly turn into a ton of bricks when they crawl into your bed while you are sleeping???

I don't know the answer, but I am pretty sure my two little fur-babies are part of my lack-of-quality-sleep thing.

No gym again this morning. I am not even going to try tomorrow morning. Little Man is complaining that his head is pounding. No fever, so hopefully Children's Tylenol and a good night's sleep will do him good.

A good night's sleep. In my bed. (He sleeps in my bed when he is sick). Mama isn't getting any sleep tonight, either.

I haven't refilled my Ambien prescription in over a year. I don't like taking it, mostly because of the funky taste it left in my mouth when I woke up in the morning. I might be calling the doctor soon for that refill.

On a positive note, I haven't had any caffeine since about 3:00 this afternoon. Flip side??? I had a Diet Lemonade. From Chik-Fil-A. Yes, a fried chicken sandwich, as delicious as it was, was my dinner this evening. Silver lining of it all??? They forgot my order of fries. I had four of Big Daddy's. Better than the whole LARGE waffle fry order, right?!?!?

I am my own best enabler.

Love to All.

...and I thought my house was bad...

2012-01-04T20:33:00.000-06:00

My house has been "clean" for 28 days straight.

As much as I might be freaked out by the state of my house, it is not nearly, NEARLY as bad as the people on shows like "Hoarders". I am watching an episode of "Hoarding: Buried Alive" right now on TLC (it was the episode from 1/1/12, "Tiny Monsters"). I can't believe what I am seeing. Yes, I could be spending this hour doing something WAY more constructive...but I am SO intrigued. Even as depressed as I can get, I don't think I could live with my home ending up like that. The show I am watching, the woman is in super-deep denial, and she hoards trash...TRASH!!! She has used maxi pads, used needles (she is diabetic) and crap (yes, as in feces) piled up in her house. There was so much food trash piled up in her kitchen that roaches (my skin is CRAWLING just thinking about it) were THREE INCHES deep...she also had black widow spiders...BLACK WIDOW spiders!!! They are SHOVELING trash out of this woman's house. I just don't get it. I may be lazy, but this is out of control. Just watching this show makes me want to clean something, organize something and take a long, hot shower!!!

That totally was not what I was intending to write about, but I just had to vent. Let it all out.

Maybe watching a show like this will make me rethink how lazy I am...I did not go to the gym again this morning. It was a full 20 degrees warmer this morning (a balmy 34) than yesterday, and I still rolled over and went to sleep. I have had such a hard time sleeping here of late, I am not sure why. Probably a vicious circle...I am overweight so I sleep poorly, I sleep poorly and am too tired to go to the gym, I am too tired to go to the gym so I am overweight, I am overweight so I sleep poorly...you get the picture. I also think that my sleep problems could have something to do with my caffeine intake (as I write this, I am sipping on another Diet Dr. Pepper, and it is 8:27 pm). I don't want to run to the doctor just yet, as I am certain the answer is my weight. The answer is always my weight. I just want to try to work on this on my own.

Next on my list is how to get washable glue (is glue TRULY washable?!?!?) out of a new sweater. Yeah...tomorrow, I am back to wearing an old t-shirt to work!!! After I work on that, I am going to clean the kitchen, wipe down the bathroom, fold some laundry and head to bed. No promise of going to the gym tomorrow, but I won't end up on an episode of Hoarders...that's for sure!!!

Love to All.

...hmmm, untitled, I suppose...

2012-01-03T21:08:00.000-06:00

...okay, so I seemed to be a little stumped about what to write this evening...we are settling back into our routine, and I have little time to post tonight. Little Man goes back to school tomorrow, which means that we will have a full Preschool class tomorrow, because the entire district returns from Winter Break tomorrow. Little Miss M was back in class today, and she wore me out. Today was kind of a "test"...I worked all day, Little Man had Exerfun tonight, we drove through McDonald's for dinner (to my credit, I had a salad with the Newman's Own Low Fat Italian dressing). No laundry done this evening, the dishwasher hasn't been run (of course, we haven't used many dishes). I think the house will be okay. It has been 27 days of "clean". I did freak out a little when Big Daddy started "cleaning out" some stuff from the computer/play room. He had about a dozen boxes out and about. Okay. I really freaked out. I did not want him "messing up" what we had worked so hard to keep clean. He said he had it under control, and that there would be no trace of the boxes or the contents in the morning. He held true to his word, and the boxes (and their contents) were distributed. Of course, that means that they were relocated to the garage or the basement, BUT they have been sorted through. I feel a little better about that. We are slowly taking down the Christmas decorations, I don't want to become overwhelmed by that. Heck, I figure I have until January 5th or 6th, right?!?!? Three Kings Day, or the Epiphany, right??? It will be all packed away this weekend. Packed away AFTER it has been weeded through.

So, I blew off the gym today. Lazy??? Yes. When my alarm went off, and I was kinda, sorta conscious (this was about 4:45 am, mind you) I noticed that the temperature was reading 14 degrees outside. 14. My bed (with clean sheets and a clean comforter) was SO cozy. 14 degrees sounded like hell, AND I did not sleep very well the night before. I turned off the alarm, rolled over, and fell back to sleep...dreaming about when we are moving back to Florida!!! I am sad that I let the weather discourage me, but am ready to go tomorrow. No excuses.

I hope that these posts get a little more exciting...I have stopped by blogher.com to get some ideas, and there have been some pretty good ones...they offer a new topic every Monday - Friday. Yesterday's topic was "What did you do on New Year's Day?". I kind of touched on that, not even realizing that it was a topic!!! Today was "What is your favorite start-of-the-year tradition?". Food for thought. I have some ideas, but may wait and post about it tomorrow. I have a cuddle-bug-monkey waiting for me to read some of that "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book to before we fall asleep.

Love to All.

...one day at a time...

2012-01-02T21:11:00.001-06:00

...no, I don't mean that groovy seventies sitcom with Schneider...

I loved watching this show. I think it was on Sunday nights on Channel 4 (CBS here in St. Louis).

I digress.

By "One Day at a Time", I mean that is how I have to take things...one day at a time. Cleaning, purging, organizing, working out, eating better, relations with Big Daddy and Little Man...one day at a time. I can't jump in with both feet, or I will burn out quick.

Today, the school district was closed for the New Year holiday. Big Daddy and I didn't have to work, and Little Man didn't have school. We really took a leisurely approach to the day. Big Daddy even woke up later than I did!!! We had a nice lunch (brunch, since we didn't have breakfast?!?!?) out, where I had soup and salad (and dessert...all things in moderation). We picked up a few things at Target...new crayons, markers and glue for Little Man for back to school, and a new toaster. Whoo-hoo. I can't believe that I get excited over a toaster. Our old one just kind of gave out. I learned this yesterday, when trying to prepare frozen waffles for Little Man and his cousins.

I threw dinner in the crock-pot. I found this recipe via Pinterest. I have made it with chicken, as the recipe calls for...but tonight I made it with stew meat, to make kind of a stroganoff (???). We love it. Little Man ate two bowls!!!

The photo is from the site, http://forkinit.blogspot.com/. I can't wait to try more of the recipes. I am not sure how Weight Watchers-friendly these recipes might be, but I am willing to tweak them to fit the plan.

I am slowly working through my room. I took an hour and a half (an hour and a half!!!) to completely clear out my side of the bed (I had five books stashed away) and my vanity. I could not believe all of the dog hair that I cleaned up...I thought my dogs didn't really shed. I was wrong. I cleared my vanity of most of the knickknacks, found spots for all of my makeups, nail polishes, lotions and potions. I actually can see the glass top of the vanity!!! I can't believe all of the time it took, but I am pleased with the end result. I am finding that I can live (function) with less. What a liberating feeling!!! Yes, it took me a long time to do this...and I still have a way to go, but you know what??? I am completely okay with that. I am pleased with the (albeit small) progress I have made.

I kept a couple photos from our wedding (will be adding a couple of pics of Little Man), my reading lamp, remotes to the TV and the fan, some costume jewelry that I wear occasionally (all corralled in a pretty holder), the lotion and spray that I use obsessively (current scent of the season, Bath and Body Works Vanilla Bean Noel) and the book that Little Man and I are working on (currently "Diary of a Wimpy Kid"). Oh, and if you look closely, there is a small figurine of Tinker Bell and one of Cinderella. They had been hiding in boxes in my room, so I figure I'd bring them out of hiding. Living in a house full of boys (all two of them), I should be allowed something girly.

Back to routine tomorrow. I need to head to bed so I can get up early to head to the gym (go me!!!). Let's hope that happens. Showers have been taken, teeth have been brushed, dogs have been let out, dishwasher has been run. Little Man is watching WWE Wrestling with Big Daddy (rare Monday night treat, since Big Daddy usually works evenings)...Mama is ready for bed. Excited to see what tomorrow brings!!!

Love to All.

...First Day of the New Year...

2012-01-01T23:35:00.003-06:00

...a pretty uneventful 24 hours in our household...2012 was rung in with family. Big Daddy, Little Man and I, my nephews A.J. and Nolan and my parents. There was too much food, a little bit of Wii and a whole lot of fun!!! I managed to snap some pictures of the Wii playing, as it was Grandma Nana's first time playing. I have to find my camera...it is around here somewhere, just not where I left it...the case is there, empty. I suspect Little Man is behind this, and it will be a lot of fun to see what pics he managed to snap!!!

A.J. was a bit apprehensive for his parents to leave around 7pm. "Mama, stay with me", and he wouldn't let my sister put him down. He has stayed overnight with us many, many times...lately, the separation anxiety is getting the best of him, I think. A month or so ago, my sister and brother-in-law had a wedding to attend. My parents had the boys for the day, and came by to drop them off that evening...A.J. would have nothing of it. Mom and Daddy ended up taking them to their house for the night. When they aren't at home, they are at my parents house...so it is natural for them to feel more comfortable there.

My parents came over, and we managed to let my sister and brother-in-law sneak out. The boys were fine. We played the Wii for awhile, Family Game Night 2 & 3 (a Christmas gift from Grandma Nana and Papa) and Family Game Night 4 (a gift from Santa). I did not play the games, as I was getting the party food ready (I regret, I did not get any pics of the food...must remember to take. more. photos!!!). What I saw seemed a lot of fun...maybe I will play head-to-head with Little Man and (gasp!) write a review.

Time really seemed to fly, and we were helping ourselves to the buffet of "party foods"...Lit'l Smokies in barbecue sauce, chips and dip, bacon cheese ball, cheese and crackers, Ro-Tel dip, Mexican Layer Dip, Black Bean Salsa, Pigs in a Blanket...nothing too good for us, but all the good stuff that we don't eat every day. We watched some Phineas & Ferb, and set the boys up for their sleepover. A.J. refused to put his PJs on, saying he would when he got home!!! He thought my sister and brother-in-law were coming back right away to pick them up. I spread the pillows and blankets out, and Little Man laid down right away. He was out cold in about ten minutes. A.J. fought, and fought, and fought. He finally fell asleep around midnight, when we were all watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve.

Speaking of that show, Disney Parks had a "HUGE" announcement that they were making after midnight on the show. My parents, Big Daddy and I waited...and waited. They announced that on Leap Day, 2/29/12 the Magic Kingdom park at Walt Disney World and the Disneyland park in California would be open for 24 hours straight.

Sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is a cute concept. BUT not really exciting. Not when you have parks open for Extra Magic Hours until 1 or 2 am. Reading the Disney Park's Blog, they say that the parks will open at 6am local time on 2/29 and stay open for 24 hours. Also, if you book a minimum three-night room and ticket package at select Walt Disney World or Disneyland Resort Hotels, you can get a free night. This has to be booked by 1/31/12 and is good for travel most nights 2/26 - 3/10. More info can be found at the Disney Park's website. Great, but we always stay through Disney Vacation Club. I was hoping for an announcement with a little more, I don't know...pizzaz. I guess I was a little let-down after all of the hype leading up to the announcement.

The big draw (for me and Big Daddy, anyway) is that Disney is giving away a vacation package EVERY day from 1/1/12 through 2/29/12. You can enter via their website, or by texting "disneyday" to DISNEY (347639). I could totally use a vacation...and free is ALWAYS good.

Wow, I got totally off track (yes, that was all stuff that I wanted to mention in this post, but I just kinda stuck it in the middle of everything)...

Anyway, Little Man was out cold, Noley Bear fell asleep on Papa, and A.J. fell asleep around midnight...Mom and Daddy left after we got the boys settled, and Big Daddy and I were cleaning up and heading to bed. A.J. woke up. Right around 1 am. He didn't say anything, just sat up quietly. And, he didn't fall asleep. I told Big Daddy to go on to bed, that I would stay up with A.J. We watched whatever was on Nick Jr at the time, he didn't say much...just that he was waiting for his Mom and Dad. I know I dozed off a couple of times, but A.J stayed awake. He FINALLY crashed around 4:30. 4:30. I stayed on the couch, in the event that he woke up, I didn't want him to freak out.

I wasn't really comfortable on the couch, but I managed to get a little sleep. A little. Noley Bear woke up crying. At 6:30 am. This woke A.J. up, wondering where his parents were. I quieted Nolan down, and got both boys back to sleep (Little Man sleeping through all of this). That lasted until 7:30 when all three boys were awake. Oh, what fun.

We had a breakfast of frozen waffles and chocolate milk (my healthy eating-resolution is apparently on hold today) and the boys went off to play. My sister said they would be around to pick the boys up around 9 am. 9 am came and went, I was dozing on the couch when I got a text. My sister had taken my brother-in-law to the ER at 5 this morning with chest pains, he was clammy and dizzy...his heart arithmeia was acting up. I don't know a whole lot about his condition, but I could not imagine how scary that was. He is staying overnight, since there won't be any doctors to run tests until Monday. I offered to take the boys as long as she needed, but she said he was comfortable and that she could take care of the boys.

I had a short (about two hour) nap, and the day has been filled with a Law & Order SVU marathon, finishing one book and beginning another, McDonalds for dinner (what about this healthy eating-resolution?!?!?) and some internet surfing, Facebooking, pinning, and blog-writing.

Nothing exciting, but fulfilling all the same. The workout routine starts up on Tuesday, Little Man starts school again on Wednesday, and everything should be back to normal. Hopefully the house stays clean (25 days!!!) and I keep things under some-sort-of-control. I want to get back into working out, eating better...maybe rejoining Weight Watchers (but I will NOT go to meetings, another blog post for a later date), I even want to dress better...I am working on that. I miss getting to "dress-up" like I did when I worked in banking...right now, it is t-shirts and jeans...I never thought I would complain about wearing t-shirts and jeans!!!

So much going on, but nothing TOO overwhelming. I can't wait to start this ride...2012 should be fun!!!

Love to All.

...falling into place...

2011-12-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

...I am not sure what is going on...but things seem to be falling into place. Well, that is kind of a broad statement, but a lot of things seem to be going in my...in OUR favor here of late.

Of course, it is over things that could be considered "trivial"...what is falling into place???

Well, for starters, my house has been clean for 23 days straight. Well, not the whole house...but Little Man's room, the family room, the kitchen and the hall bath. We still have to tackle our room, our bathroom, the computer/play room, and the basement. Oh, the basement. Big Daddy has to work on the garage, but that mess is ALL his. It has taken awhile, but we are finally purging things out. Big Daddy has been bringing boxes home from work...we mainly sort the Garage Sale and Donation items in these, since they are disposable. Items that we want to keep go in Rubbermaid totes. Items that need to be thrown out are thrown out. I don't even ask Big Daddy (or Little Man, for that matter) about it. It is gone. When the weather gets nicer, we are going to have an EPIC Garage Sale!!! My laundry is caught up, the carpet has even been vacuumed. Dishwasher is unloaded/loaded regularly and recycling items are taken out on a regular basis (this is a HUGE issue in our kitchen). Toothpaste blobs (oh, the toothpaste blobs!!!) are wiped up before they harden...my wish is that one day, Little Man does not squeeze half a tube of toothpaste out every time he brushes, but I will pick my battles. Please don't go over my "clean" house with a white glove...that will come in time. Right now, this is good enough for me.

The whole housecleaning thing may not be a big deal to everyone, but it is a big deal to me. When we moved into this house five years ago, I was very gung-ho. I was a regular Suzy Homemaker. Then things spiraled. My depression took hold of me. My anxiety took hold. My OCD (perfection) took hold. How bizarre is it to think that I wouldn't do a job AT ALL if I couldn't do it right??? It was easier to sit with my thoughts, or simply fall asleep when my thoughts became too overwhelming...why set myself up for failure??? I am just glad that this is becoming routine. I believe that FlyLady says that it takes 21 or 28 (I can't remember) days for something to become habit or routine. I am THRILLED that I am just about there.

A lot of our purging and cleaning is because Big Daddy wants to move from this house. I don't. I love this house. This is the house that Little Man knows as home. We love the school, we love our neighbors, we love the location. Of course, we are renting this house...still. Big Daddy wants to get a place that is cheaper. That will be hard to come by...it will be smaller, or an apartment, or (with our luck) won't accept pets. If we leave this house, it will be for the big move. To Florida. Yes, we are still considering this, and it was kind of heightened when Big Daddy had to fly to Florida last week for his Grandmother's funeral. Sure, he was there in less than ideal circumstances...but I know it was important for him to spend TIME with his family. Yes, we love my family...and they do a lot for us, but lately our immediate family has proven more and more important...my immediate family will always visit Florida, so we will always see each other. Extended family, we may not see so much if we move to the Sunshine State, but we see them so rarely here...and we are within a short drive!!! Holidays, yes...but not much outside that.

I am much happier all around...I think I can attribute a lot of that to my change in jobs. Yes, I left my full-time job in finance in June of 2010. I was hired part-time with the school district in August of 2010, and went full-time August 2011. My job is not guaranteed past June of 2012. This may play a huge part in our decision to move to Florida. I love my job...of course, many days it is a roller coaster ride...but I love it. Things could fall into place, and another preschooler will need my help next year and I will be offered another full-time position. If that doesn't happen, we have to be prepared for what may come.

Little Man is doing all right. I say all right. It has been awhile since I last posted, but I did touch on his anxiety. We sought the help of a professional. We took him to see a Psychologist at Cardinal Glennon in mid-November. She did not talk to him, but talked to myself and Big Daddy for an hour and a half!!! She was afraid that she could not give him the help he needed in the short time frame that we had (biggest concern: anxiety over toys and how close we were to Christmas). We were referred to St. Louis Behavioral Disorders Institute. Well, they couldn't get him in. At. All. He has been coping all right. Christmas was touch-and-go. He got a couple of toys that are "triggers", but just covers his ears or eyes when he gets around them. I am not jumping to return them (mainly because I didn't get a gift receipt) because hopefully we can work through this. We are still looking to get him with a Psychiatrist, because the Psychologist thinks he needs to be put on an anti-depressant. I have great reservations about this, but am willing to explore the options. We are also facing therapy, figuring at least once a week. I have been through this...as an adult. I can't imagine being seven years old and needing this kind of help.

We are heading into 2012 with less debt than we headed into 2011 with. Slowly but surely, we are chipping away at this. This is a VERY good thing, because we are at the tail end of the Trust that Big Daddy got when his mother passed...we will have less liquid cash, but more invested for the future. This could also be a factor in us moving down south...having a little extra saved away in the event that we don't find work right away, or take a cut in pay.

I am still looking to get back to school, but don't know how I can fit it in right now.

This week, I took on extra hours at work. I was scheduled to be off, since my preschool class is not in session...but I took shifts with the year-round preschool classes and elementary out-of-school program. I am thankful for the extra hours, but had to report to work at 6:30...meaning the alarm was going off at 5!!! This will hopefully get me back into the routine of waking up early, and HEADING TO THE GYM!!! Of course, I will be heading back to the gym with all of the other New Years Resolution-ers, but hopefully I will stick it out for awhile.

I am taking a break from my calendar this week. Well, I know for sure that Little Man doesn't have anything planned, but I have avoided it altogether lately. I know next week, we will be back in the swing of things, but I really needed a break from all of the running around. Sure, we still have Exerfun on Tuesday evenings, and will still have our Cub Scout Pack and Den meetings, but that is about it. I cut out his two-night-a-week swim lessons. The lessons were moved to Saturdays, but no pressure...no running out right after work, no grabbing dinner through a drive-thru on our way home. Sure, we have to be at the lesson at 8:30 am, but that is about the extent of it.

Those are just a few of the things that seem to be working, or things that we are working on. Life is a work in progress. I am excited to see what the new year brings.

Love to all.

...Going to the Pumpkin Patch and Taking More Photos...

2011-10-14T22:03:00.001-05:00

...I always tell myself that I am "going to be better about taking pictures". I feel that I am letting Little Man's childhood slip right through my fingers. I don't think that is entirely true, but I always feel like the 'occasion' doesn't "merit a photo". What is wrong with taking photos of the everyday??? Of course, I would get a lot of shots of Little Man sitting at a computer, chewing on his finger!!! I also tell myself that I don't take more photos because things "just aren't right"...meaning my house is just too messy, or Little Man has chocolate around his mouth...meaning the shot won't be 'perfect'.

Wow. I really need to let go of this 'perfect' thing.

I was going through some photos on my camera this evening, transferring them to my 'new-to-me' laptop (Big Daddy bought himself a new laptop in June, and COMPLETELY hated it from the beginning...so yay me, it's mine!!! We won't even mention how my old laptop is currently crashing and Big Daddy is currently restoring it as we speak. Wow...this has been a hella-long sidenote...).

Anyway, I was going through photos this evening. Because I am obsessive/compulsive about TRIPLE checking that my photos are not only on my laptop, but saved to a Sim card AND a CD, I started going through old photos from my old laptop (because I wanted to double check that I had them, even though it would have been too late because of the computer restore)...I have some great pics of Little Man when he was a baby. Sure, I can see that the carpet might have needed to be vacuumed, and I could see that we were STILL living out of Rubbermaid totes in our townhouse (three moves in two years, including our move from Florida and one while pregnant) and I can see that some of Little Man's baby toys were right near a cable TV outlet (???)...I don't think he could have hurt himself, right?!?!?

Point being...no, my photos were not set like those in Sears Portrait Studios (ummm, okay) or Kiddie Kandids or Portrait Innoventions (I don't know where people get pics anymore...we use local photogs). No, they are more worthy of being on the website "You are NOT a Photographer"...because, I am not. I am a Mommy with a (I thought pretty nice) point-and-shoot digital camera. No fancy lenses, no fancy filters. It does the job I need it to, when I get around to using it.

Yes, my friends. You will start to see more photos from me. Oh, and I really, REALLY need to work on the whole weight loss/getting healthier thing...there were pictures from our Walt Disney World trip last fall where I look pregnant...and yes, I still weigh more than I did when I delivered Little Man...this is a whole other blog topic for another day...

Where does the Pumpkin Patch fit in??? We took Little Man to our local pumpkin patch today. I have all sorts of pics of him over the years at this particular pumpkin patch. It has been in our area since I was a little girl. What made me (and Big Daddy) laugh today was that I definitely knew I needed to back my pictures up...my camera still had LAST YEAR'S pumpkin patch photos on it!!! Funnier STILL was that Big Daddy was getting Little Man's clothes laid out for today...he came SUPER-CLOSE to wearing an almost identical outfit today that he did to the pumpkin patch last year!!! (Red polo shirt and plaid patchwork shorts...too windy today, so Little Man wore jeans and a hoodie.)

Here are some of the (91) photos I snapped today...

Love to All

"Is He Okay?"

2011-10-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

Is he okay??? Is he okay???

Seems like an innocent enough question.

Last Saturday, Little Man had a Cub Scout event. It was scheduled from noon until 6pm, it was designed to introduce new Tiger Cubs and their families to some of the events that Cub Scouts participate in. The flyer indicated that the families could arrive at any time and register between 11:30 am and 4:30 pm. We arrived around 2:30, figuring it should give Little Man plenty of time to experience what "Tiger Day" had to offer. We arrived, picked up our "guide map" and started having fun.

We first stopped at a Civil War reenactment. Little Man got to try on costumes, hold pretend guns (???) and every few minutes, an older man would light a "cannon" and shoot out "cannonballs" (really, tennis balls with the fuzz taken off and painted black). The boys had a blast chasing after the cannonballs...Little Man did not come out with any, but he had a blast all the same. We learned about "Leave No Trace" which is basically leaving the Earth cleaner than you found it. We also learned about hiking safety. Big Daddy and Little Man got to go on a small hike (I was wearing the wrong shoes...note to self...when attending Cub Scout events, how cute you look doesn't matter...comfort and safety does). Little Man (with the help of Momma with the glue gun...oh, how I love hot glue guns) made a neckerchief slide for his uniform, learned how to properly fold a flag and salute it. He also learned about Cub Scout safety and earned his Weeblo badge. All of this activity (and the walking around, it was a LARGE park) took about three hours!!!

The last activity we did was Archery. Little Man had been looking forward to the Archery and/or BB Guns all day. We only had time to do one activity, and Archery did not have a line. We loaded into the truck, and Big Daddy drove us to the area with Archery. For whatever reason (and I am not going to ask at this point) Big Daddy stayed in the truck (???). Little Man was getting more and more excited, jumping up and down, flapping his hands. We were let into the Archery area once the previous group had cleared out. It was set up with eight targets, two archers at each. Nobody came to Little Man's target, and I was kind of relieved. One of the Scout officials (not sure of "rank"...I can't keep them all straight...all I know, he was an adult and he was wearing a uniform with a lot of "decoration") was telling the Scouts how to pick up the bow. Okay, we were already lost at this point. I was trying to pay attention AND keep Little Man from wandering and for him to at least pay some sort of attention. The Scout Guy was zipping (and I do mean zipping...he was going really fast) along with instruction, and Little Man kept asking me if he could play on the playset. I was about on the verge of tears, when another Scout Guy came over and tried to help. After unsuccessfully trying to get Little Man to pay attention, Scout Guy 2 asked "Is he okay?"

What??? It took a minute to register.

"Is he okay?" He asked it a second time, rather quickly. He knew the answer, but just wanted to make sure.

"He has Autism", I said.

In that second, I realized I had never really said those words out loud.

He has Autism.

And I cried. In the three years that we have "officially" known, I had never uttered those three words.

Scout Guy 2 told me that he thought as much, and knew about "the rainbow" and had worked with a high functioning young man in his den for years. He knew just what to do. He gave me a hug and went to work with Little Man. At this point, Big Daddy came out of the truck, figuring "something was up"...really, your wife in tears and an overgrown Boy Scout comforting her??? You think??? It took awhile for Little Man to grasp it, but he did manage to hit the target. I couldn't have been prouder!!! Of course, Scout Guy 2 gave him a few extra arrows to work with, but nobody had to know.

This whole Cub Scout thing is going to take some work, and some patience. I don't know who Scout Guy 2 is, or if we will ever see him again...but I thank him from the bottom of my heart...for understanding.

This post has been brewing in me for more than a week now...it has been a difficult week for Little Man. He is putting more and more pressure on himself. We just wrapped up the first quarter of First Grade, and so far in math and spelling he has only missed two answers. All quarter. Two. That's it. Two. Silly spelling words. All I heard from him was "I'm sorry, Mommy. I will try harder. I'm sorry, Mommy. I will do better." And he made himself so sick, that he threw up. Really??? Am I putting pressure on you, Little Man??? He did not make the Gifted Program in school (he is book smart, not inquisitive enough, though)...and he made himself sick over it. Toys are another sore subject. He does not play anymore, he is afraid of ruining or losing his toys. He threw up in the middle of Costco just LOOKING at new Fisher-Price Imaginext toys. We can't even mention asking anything from Santa this year. Yes, there is a lot going on in his Little World.

And we're waiting to hear from a Child Psychologist.

Yes, Little Man will be seeing a professional.

Big Daddy took him to his annual check-up last week, and mentioned some of our concerns. Our pediatrician agreed, and thought it would be a good idea for Little Man to talk to someone.

I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree. Somehow, I feel responsible. I am sad, but happy. Sad that it has come to this, but happy that he will get the help he needs.

My heart is breaking, but I know...he is okay.

Love to All

Perfectly Happy

2011-09-24T19:25:00.000-05:00

As I sit and type this, I am missing my 20th High School Reunion.

Yep, not going.

I keep up with many classmates via Facebook. We are all over the country. For awhile (during the ten year reunion time) I was even out of state, living in Florida. I have since moved back "home" and am even now working in the very elementary school I attended.

I was a "middle-of-the-road" type kid...I was friendly, not too popular, but not unpopular. I made my way through High School, keeping busy with extra-curricular activities, hanging out with my friends, doing okay grade-wise...I collected my diploma that June day back in 1991 and I was finished. I went back to my Alma matter just once, to deliver a forgotten notebook to school for one of my sisters. I can't even recall attending school plays or productions or assemblies for my sisters or brother in the years that followed. I did not attend any more football games or school plays. I was ready to move on. Some friends went away to college, I stayed home. I went to Community College, and decided it really wasn't for me. It took me awhile to really find what I wanted to do (it was 1996 and I decided I wanted to work for Disney). I don't have any stand-out good or bad memories about high school...it is just a chapter of my life I was ready to close.

Fast-forward 20 years, and it is reunion time. Sure, I live less than ten minutes from my old high school, and I really had nothing planned for the Homecoming Football game, but I didn't go. It really didn't interest me. One thing I have noticed, even though we are all 20 years older, I am not sure much has changed. There are still the "cliques" and "circles" it seems after all these years. I was reading my Facebook feed this afternoon, and found out that there was a fight at a bar where my classmates were celebrating at after the game. Really??? We are all pushing 40 and a fight broke out??? Yeah, not interested. I am sure I would have seen many friendly faces, and we all would have been cordial...but I truly am not interested.

Do I feel weird not attending??? Not at all. I still keep in touch with my best friend from those days. We are still close. I would call her my close friend, but not my "best" friend. At my age, I feel a little silly calling someone my "best" friend. That title would belong to Little Man or Big Daddy, anyway. Yes, she is a very close friend, and we have fun together, when we can get together. I am guilty of wrapping myself in my little cocoon of life and pushing "girl time" to the back burner. We have quite different lives...she is single and has a great career, travels all over the world and loves to work in our community theater group. I am a Mommy, love my job (I am a big kid at heart) but it is certainly not a glamorous career, we travel to the same place all the time (I am NOT complaining) and my social calendar is more PTO and Cub Scout meetings rather than Cosmos with the girls.

And I am perfectly happy that way.

Today we saw "The Lion King", went to the Scout Shop to pick up Little Man's Cub Scout uniform, had a nice lunch and took a nap. Tonight I am going to sew patches on the uniform and spend time with my family. No, not glamorous, but it is just the way I like it. I will look at the photos, and maybe say something nice about them...

...but I won't say "I wish I were there"...

Love to All.

I Have Free Time??? Really??? Me???

2011-09-20T21:40:00.001-05:00

...as stuffed as my calendar seems to be here of late, I seem that have free time, lately. Really??? Free time??? I can't imagine. I work 6-8 hours a day, I have a VERY active seven year old. We have swim lessons, Exerfun classes, Cub Scouts, PTO meetings, school activities, homework, book reports, doctor appointments, and probably half a dozen things I am forgetting. Granted, my house is nowhere NEAR perfect, we hit the drive-thru a couple nights a week, and I still haven't hit the gym in the mornings...BUT I have managed to find some free time.

You see, I am stepping away from the computer.

No, I am not giving up the computer completely...I am just stepping away. I LOVE the computer. I have found some wonderful people with common interests (Disney, anyone?!?!?) and I have been able to catch up with old classmates, co-workers and far-away friends. I still enjoy this. I am not going to let it rule my life.

A little over a year ago, Big Daddy let me quit my full-time job. We had to consider this carefully, as it was a good chunk of our income. I had worked for my former company for almost eight years, made a decent living and had great benefits. It was a decision that we did not take lightly. Of course, it seemed like the job was slowly killing me. Sounds dramatic, but I had lost zest and zing more than anything. That is for another blog post!!! We also had to consider that Little Man was going to full-day Kindergarten and would not be bussed to my parents house after school, as he had when he was in preschool. (Turns out, he COULD be bussed to my parents house after school...but THAT is for another blog post!!!). All-in-all, I could quit working full-time, go back to school, and find a way to supplement our income (either by taking care of children in our home or working part-time). My last day was in late June. I was in heaven. I could stay home with Little Man during the summer, take him to the park and the pool and have all sorts of fun in the couple of weeks that we had together before he started Kindergarten. Yes, we had a great couple of weeks.

Then school started.

Big Daddy was on his summer work schedule, so he was working mornings. I would get Little Man off to school, and was gung-ho getting the house straightened up, laundry done, and dinner made.

For a couple of weeks.

Then I started "hanging out" on the computer. Facebook, twitter, online shopping. Killing time. Things started slipping. Depression took over. It is hard to describe (perhaps another blog post about this?!?!?) but I kept slipping further and further into my depression. Even after finding my (then) part-time job with the school district, I was depressed. The computer seemed to help AND hurt me.

But I am breaking free.

I will still catch up with my friends and family, near and far...but I will not allow myself to get sucked in. I can't. I can't sit on my couch, in front of this laptop and "dream" about the life I want to lead. I need to live it.

I am faithfully jumping back on (for about the BAZILLIONTH time) FlyLady, who assures me that "progress, not perfection" and that I can do ANYTHING in just 15 minutes. I will still try to keep all of my "plates" spinning outside of home and work. I will be able to do this better while my bottom is not stuck on the couch.

What does this mean for the blog??? It means, I should be able to devote more time to it. It really does help me. It is not exciting or glamorous, but it helps. I would like to do product reviews for people just like me. Busy moms who want the best for their families, not wanting to "cut corners", but knows that any effort is better than no effort at all. So, I won't be able to throw that roast in the oven tonight and serve Big Daddy and Little Man the most "home-cooked" of home-cooked meals...whatever. I found a product that allows me to serve a meal, and we can eat together as a family...and I want to share it. So, I love to shop and am still working on finding bargains (I have a WAY to go on this one) but I want you to know what to spend your hard-earned money on and what to save. No, I am not big...and I don't get product endorsements. I am just a Mom who wants to share.

Love to All.

Mama Cub...Scout, That Is...

2011-09-08T20:32:00.002-05:00

...still trying to get back into the routine of things...Little Man has been in school for a month exactly. My calendar is QUICKLY filling up. I don't know if I can juggle everything. I have to learn how to say no every once in awhile...it is hard, but I am learning.

Little Man showed interest in Cub Scouts...we knew it would be a commitment, but I had NO idea how much of a commitment. Two meetings a month, for starters. I no sooner signed my $65 check to join, then we were being told about the upcoming "popcorn sale" (which comes after the PTO Entertainment Book sales, during the PTO TJ's Pizza fundraiser and right before the PTO Cardinal's Calendar sale). Yeah!!! The night we signed up, we were informed of the Boy Scout Field Day. Two. Days. Later. I really had planned on taking Little Man (Big Daddy was working overtime that Saturday). I even bought Little Man a new white tee shirt to tye-dye. Yeah, after spending 12+ hours at school that Friday, my back was not cooperating with the thought of a Field Day. When we signed Little Man up for Cub Scouts, we were also told about the semi-annual camp-out...that was scheduled for three weeks later. I knew there would be camping involved, but I thought we would get a little more "practice" camping or something...I have not been camping in about 20 years...and I didn't like it much then. IF Big Daddy can get the weekend off, and IF we can get all of the gear together and IF we can figure out even how to use it, then MAYBE we can go to the camp-out. I am not holding my breath on this one. We will be more prepared for the Spring camp-out. I may even think of attending this one!!! That same night, we were informed of the Cub Scout Car Wash to be held in two weeks. Sounds like fun...heck, it is only three hours, out in the sunshine and the Scouts will divide 40% of what they earn in their each Scouts account!!! Whoo-hoo!!! That will come in handy when it comes time to get his uniform and supplies. Now, we are also told that the Boy Scouts try to do something every weekend. Every. Weekend.

Yes, this is going to be something enriching for Little Man, but we have a life outside the Boy Scouts. I have a life outside the Boy Scouts. Since Big Daddy is still working evenings, I am the one who signed on as the "Adult Partner"...every Cub Scout has to have one. I am the one attending the meetings, I am the one attending fund-raisers, I am the one attending activities. I am glad that we signed him up for this, but I am a little worried that it could take over. I am back to working full-time (34 hours, but 34 EXHAUSTING hours!!!), I am taking Professional Development Courses for my job, I am helping the PTO, I am volunteering in Little Man's classroom, I have a husband, I have a son, I have a house that needs TLC, Little Man has swim, Little Man has Exerfun, Little Man has expressed interest in soccer...most of all, I have Little Man. Even though Cub Scouts is for Little Man, I have to make sure that I am 100% there for Little Man. He is going through a lot, and I want to make sure that I am not spread too thin.

Yes, I am excited for Cub Scouts and what it might mean for Little Man, but I will not let it take over our life. We have our first meeting in the next month, and I will see how it is going to go. I don't want to sound like a "Debbie Downer" about it, I just did not know what we were in for.

Love. To. All.

...a kick in the big, fat, gut...

2011-08-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

...so I had a doctor's appointment today...to get a skin tag on my neck removed. Pretty routine. I have had the tag for the better part of ten years, and it really hasn't bothered me, until recently. I get pretty tired of the preschoolers pointing at my neck and asking "what is that???". It has also been getting caught in Little Miss M's hair when she sits in my lap...OUCH!!! My General Practitioner was able to remove it in his office...the "procedure" was super-fast, it took longer for me to get comfortable in the chair than it did to get the tag removed. Pretty painless...taking the Band-Aid off of my neck will probably hurt most of all!!!

No, the procedure was pretty painless...the most painful part was stepping on the scale.

I dread the scale. I loathe the scale. Sometimes I love the scale. I obsess over the scale.

Today, I hopped on the scale, feeling pretty confident. Not that I thought I had lost a great deal of weight or anything, but I was expecting to see a better number than I last saw...I figured I probably lost a pound or two...eating somewhat better and all of the activity I get chasing around Little Miss M at work...it had to account for something, right?!?!?

I have gained four pounds.

I now weigh more than I did when I delivered Little Man. I am 25 pounds heavier than I was when I had Little Man. That was seven years ago.

The number scares me. The number terrifies me. I feel it. I am tired. Something has to change. I am not good with this, this is how I got here. I can do it, I have done it before...but I am not good at it. Even as much as I was scared when I saw the number, what did I do tonight??? Yeah, a Happy Meal, Jack in the Box tacos and a big ol' Diet Coke. Procrastination, I am really, really good at.

Oh, my head is spinning. Let's see how tomorrow goes. First step, setting the alarm to be out the door at 5:15 am to get to the gym. Seeing as it is seven hours from now, I am not holding my breath...but will hope for the best.

Love to All.

What A Way To Waste A Day...Really, Not In A Good Way...

2011-08-14T21:54:00.000-05:00

...lazy Sunday...they can be good...they can be bad...today was, what felt like a good one...but it turned bad...

First off, The Husband and I were (kind of) awoken to Little Man..."I'm hungry, so I'm going to make my own biscuit"...I said, "That's fine...if you need help, let me know"...rolled over, and dozed back off...I thought it was around 7:30...surprised that Little Man was so hungry so early, but he is usually up and eating on a school day...and he is an early riser anyway...a few minutes later, Little Man came in our room again... "Mommy, I can't get the straw in my juice pouch...can you help me???". I helped him and rolled over to go back to sleep...when The Husband says "No wonder he is hungry, it is 11:30"...11:30?!?!? Really?!?!? We must have been wiped out, because it is rare that we both sleep that late...that got the day off to a pretty pukey start...

It took a lot for me to get going...a muffin for breakfast and some playing around on the computer...okay, maybe a lot of playing around on the computer...because all of a sudden, it was like 3:30...what a way to waste a day!!! Nothing good. At this precise moment, The Husband decided to ream me up and down about my lack of motivation and not wanting to do anything. THAT is the way to motivate someone who is already struggling...

I understand that The Husband is truly frustrated, and he usually says very little...but he just does not understand that you don't "motivate" someone struggling with depression and anxiety by telling them everything they are doing wrong. It shuts me down each and every time. I did eventually get some laundry done, cleaned a counter in the kitchen and unloaded/loaded the dishwasher. Not a lot, obviously...but to me, it is better than nothing.

We had a very late lunch, Subway, it kind of started the whole "you don't do anything" discussion...we were not hungry for dinner so we ate nachos while watching the WWE "SummerSlam" pay-per-view. Not healthy or balanced, but just enough. I have groceries to make dinners all week...now I just need the motivation!!!

This is gearing up to be a busy week...

Monday ~ work (7:45 am - 12:30 pm), Doctors Appointment (1:40) to finally have the skin tag on my neck removed!!!, back to work (3:45 - 5:15), swim lessons for Little Man (6:00 pm).

Tuesday ~ work (7:45 am - 4:45 pm), Professional Development for work (6:30 pm - 8:30 pm). Little Man was supposed to have his "Exerfun" exercise class this evening, but we have to miss it. He will be at my parents while I am in training.

Wednesday ~ work (7:45 am - 12:30 pm, then again 3:45 pm - 5:15 pm). It is also Little Man's 7th birthday, so we might try to do something special, even though The Husband has to work...

Thursday and Friday ~ work

Little Man's birthday party is next Sunday. It is at our local bowling alley, so there is not a whole lot I have to do in preparation for it. The cake is ordered, we have all of the WWE themed-balloons (I have to blow them up, but that won't be a big deal) and centerpieces and treat boxes. I don't know WHAT to put inside these treat boxes...I figure there will be a trip or two to Target this week in search of party favors. I detest the cheap plastic favors that kids seem to accumulate...but I don't want to spend an arm and a leg, either...

So a lot going on...I see some Happy Meal dinners in our future, but I am going to try my best to actually MAKE something...actually DO something...I like trying new recipes when I can (as long as they are easy, and not filled with "weird" ingredients)...and I do like the satisfaction of seeing a clean countertop or having folded laundry, ready to wear...or not have to call Little Man to bring me a roll of toilet paper when I need some!!! Small steps...it is all I can do...

I know it isn't exciting, but it is my life...

Love to All.

Don't know what to call this one...

2011-08-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

Yes, it was just another day...I am really trying to get back into the routine of blogging...my life is not exciting, my life is not adventurous, my life is not glamorous...it is just my life...the story of a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a preschool assistant, a chauffeur, a chef, a baker, a bookkeeper, a referee, a nurse, a housekeeper, a dreamer and a doer...those are just some of the "hats" that I claim to wear...I don't even wear all of them very well, but I wear them. Nope, it is not exciting, but it helps me to get it all out.

I am back to juggling a lot...back to working full time...the last year has been a lot of fun, but not very productive. Okay, the last year may not have even been a lot of fun...dealing with a lot of depression, a lot of depression that I did not get help for. It is a vicious circle, but I am trying to take control again. Small steps. Yes, my house is still a mess...yes, Little Man and I eat McDonald's Happy Meals more often than not...yes, I still prefer sitting on my couch playing on my laptop to going to the gym and working out...yes, I still like the (tiny) rush that I get when I walk into Target...I still have all sorts of stuff that I am working on, but I have to take things one day at a time.

Working full time has exhausted me this week. Working 34 hours with "Miss M" keeps me busy. She reminds me SO MUCH of Little Man when he was three and four years old...except, she has SO much more energy than Little Man did. She is very impulsive. I know the last couple of weeks have been hard on her, back to preschool, back to a different routine, starting services at another school, riding a bus three days a week, and on top of things, her mother is going to have a baby any day now!!! She is having a hard time adapting, but that is where her therapists and teachers come in. I am just support. I don't freak out when she bites, kicks and hits me. I know it is not right, and the preschool coordinators know about her actions, but I know in her little world, that is the only way she knows how to cope.

Speaking of coping, Little Man started back to school this week, himself. He started first grade. It has only been a week, but I have been getting glowing reviews from everyone at school. I am so grateful that I work at his school!!! I am thankful that he is adapting so well (so far)...it has been a challenging summer. His latest "actions" are to make himself throw up. No, I am not joking. When he gets upset about something, or thinks that we are upset with him, he vomits. I wish I were kidding. I spoke to his Case Manager at school, and she is concerned. He also threatens to "harm" himself. I say "harm" himself...it is not in a super-hurtful way, usually something like "I am going to hit my head, I am so mad"...nothing that can hurt him too badly. Of course, I am sure it could escalate into something worse, that is why we are trying to nip this in the bud. We are trying to get him into a new Pediatric Neurologist, not that we were not happy with his current Neurologist...we like him a lot...problem is that he does not accept our current insurance. I have been trying to get in contact with the Neurologist that our Pediatrician recommended, and I have been trying for a month now. By the time I get an appointment to see this Neurologist, our new insurance (it is open enrollment right now) will kick in and Little Man will be able to see his current Neurologist again...arugghhhh!!!

The gym will be part of my routine starting Monday. Okay, so I HOPE the gym will be part of my routine again. It has to be part of my routine again.

So, today was pretty uneventful...Costco, coupon clipping, wasting a lot of time on the computer...I did make dinner (go, me!!!). Now, I am not going ever claim to be a chef...but I will take my small victories. Tonight, I made "Quick Pasta Carbonara" from kraft. I tweaked the recipe a bit...but here goes...

1/2 lb. fettuccine (we had Angel Hair Pasta, just used that)

4 slices OSCAR MAYER Bacon, chopped (I used Oscar Mayer Real Bacon Bits Recipe Pieces)

4 oz. (1/2 of 8-oz. pkg.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, cubed (I used a whole block)

1 cup frozen peas (I increased to 2 cups)

3/4 cup milk (I doubled to 1 1/2 cups)

1/2 cup KRAFT Grated Parmesan Cheese (increased to 1 cup)

1/2 tsp. garlic powder (liberally used garlic salt)

Here are the real directions...I just throw all of the ingredients in a pan and heat through until everything is melted!!!

COOK pasta as directed on package. Meanwhile, cook bacon in large skillet until crisp. Remove bacon from skillet with slotted spoon, reserving 2 Tbsp. drippings in skillet. Drain bacon on paper towels.
ADD remaining ingredients to reserved drippings; cook on low heat until cream cheese is melted and mixture is well blended and heated through.
DRAIN pasta; place in large bowl. Add cream cheese sauce and bacon; mix lightly.

Not the healthiest meal out there, but it is always popular...I can try it again with a whole wheat Angel Hair pasta (we don't mind whole wheat) and the 1/3 less fat cream cheese...I don't know how to make the bacon any better...maybe turkey bacon???

So much to still catch up on...the whole are we moving to Florida debate?!?!? Yeah, that changes every day. Trying to go back to school?!?!? Ummm, I am on "academic suspension" from almost TWENTY years ago!!! Oh, and we haven't had my car in over a week because it needs $2300 worth of repair!!! So much going on in my life, I want to be able to still take a shot at blogging it...maybe someday I will be an "inspiration" to someone who is going through all that I am going through...until then, I will take the small victories, take my lumps, celebrate or mope...things are finally going my way...and I want to ride this roller coaster as long as I can!!!

Love to All.

...general goings-on...

2011-07-28T23:20:00.001-05:00

...apparently this is a monthly thing for me!!! I hope to get back to blogging pretty regularly. This summer has been busy...not really a fun kind of busy, but busy all the same. I can't believe that we start back to school in a little more than a week...where have the last eight weeks gone?!?!?

We have made a couple of trips to Branson, MO to visit Silver Dollar City. We are always pleased when we go there, the park is clean, their employees are friendly and it is relatively cheap to get away for a weekend. It is the closest to the "Disney" feeling that we get here in the Midwest!!! We have made a few trips to our local pool, we don't go as often as I'd like, but I am working a LOT more this summer than last, so I will take the few trips that I can get!!! Mike was working the day shift at the high school, but just this week, he went back to the night shift, which means, for us, the summer has just about come to an end!!!

Just last week, I officially accepted the position to help out my friend Little Miss M in her last year of preschool. I am still waiting to hear the details on how many hours a day I will be working, it all hinges on the services she qualifies for. I am excited for this next chapter in my "career".

I got the "welcome" letter from Little Man's first grade teacher today. First grade. I can't believe it. He is doing so well this summer. His meltdowns and tantrums have subsided. Of course, it is not to say that he has not had any problems. The biggest problem was that he cracked the back of his head during a tantrum. Yeah, two staples. That was some fun for Mommy. The staples lasted a week, and getting them taken out seemed to be worse than having them put in (that is not saying much, because it was not my head that got the staples!!!).

...okay, so it has taken me ALL NIGHT to write this, and it has not amounted to much!!! Hopefully I will get back into the swing of things, but in the meantime, I will be happy just taking things one day at a time.

Love to All.

...okay, so I took a couple of MONTHS off!!!

2011-06-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

...my last post was over two months ago, oh my!!! A lot has happened. Right around the time that I stopped writing, I began working more hours at the school. This time, I was working one-on-one with a little girl in a preschool classroom. I worked from 6:30 am - 8:00 am with the preschool group, and then 8:00 am - noon as a one-on-one. It was so very rewarding, but so very exhausting!!! Four year old little girls have a LOT of energy!!!

My little preschool friend, Miss M is in need of a little extra help. I only get bits-and-pieces, but she has been diagnosed with something, and qualifies for services from the school district next year. From my un-trained "Mommy-eye", something tells me she is on the Spectrum. She is bright and well-spoken, just awkward socially (they brought me in because of aggressiveness toward other classmates, originally), very into routine and is kind of a loner. Miss M reminds me of Little Man when he started preschool.

Of course, hanging out with Miss M makes me realize just how far Little Man has come. It is amazing and inspiring.

I was working a pretty good amount, more than I was certainly used to...and like I said, four year olds have a lot of energy!!! Some days, I would come back to school and work from 2:45 pm - 5 pm. Combine this, with the schedule of activities that Little Man and were already keeping...and I was exhausted. I was also falling deeper and deeper into depression. I am not sure why...maybe I was feeling overwhelmed. I am not certain. I am slowly, SLOWLY coming out of it...I need to see a new psychiatrist...I must really need to be on some sort of medicine. I freaked out so badly with the last one that I was on, that it kind of scared me about any of them. This is something that I will work on.

When school let out, I was working 40 hours a week...yes, 40 hours!!! That quickly changed once they realized that we did not have as many kids enrolled as anticipated. I am working about 32-ish hours right now. It is about perfect.

I have also been offered to work with Miss M once school starts in August. This is good (I get more hours, and would be off work when the kids are out of school) and bad (when she goes to kindergarten, I am out of a job, and not guaranteed a position after that).

This got us to thinking. If I am "out of work" this time next year, it sure would be easy to move back to Florida.

Yes, we talk about this all. of. the. time.

This time, it may be for real.

More on that later, I am tired.

Love to All.

...so I took a few days off...

2011-04-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

...yes, I have taken a few days off...when I got back into blogging about a month ago, I was gung-ho about blogging everyday. Well, life happens, and while I do spend a good part of my waking hours on the computer (far too much time), I don't always have something to talk about. The whole point of me blogging was kind of a vent/journalling for my therapist. I would rather take a couple of days off an put out a quality product rather than churning out something blah for quantity sake. I am over it. :)

As far as the housecleaning/organizing part of my life goes...I am chipping away. I still have a LONG way to go. Our neighborhood is having a community garage sale on 6/11...so our goal is to have the garage gutted (that is Mike's job) and a good deal of the crap from the basement. A little less than two months...it CAN be done!!! I am getting used to daily routines...even something as simple as emptying (and loading) the dishwasher or doing the laundry. I have to establish these routines. It may sound crazy to some, but it is NOT laziness...it is a bit of perfectionism rearing it's ugly head. It seems so overwhelming sometimes that I would rather not tackle it than do (possibly) a bad job. I have to figure, from now on, that even a bad job is at least a job done!!!

Little Man's IEP has been scheduled for May 9th. I am excited, but a little scared of what will come out of it. I am not sure why...

I re-joined Weight Watchers last week, and attended my second meeting this morning. I lost 3.4 lbs this week. Small loss, I know, but a loss is a loss...and it is all going to add up. I am very committed this time. It seems easier this time around, but I am also just starting!!! ;)

I know it is not much of a blogpost, but I wanted to tell myself that it was okay if I didn't post every. single. day.

On to the 30 Day Blog Challenge...

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

...this one should be easy, and fun!!!

Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters

What Time Is It? (Original Version) - High School Musical 2 Cast

I Alone - Live

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey

XTC vs. Adam Ant - They Might Be Giants

Summer Breeze - Seals and Crofts

Lightning Crashes - Live

U + Ur Hand - Pink

Black Magic Woman - Santana

I've Been Waiting - Matthew Sweet

That's about it!!! All I know for now...

Love to All.

...one day at a time...

2011-04-14T18:35:00.000-05:00

I gotta take everything one day at a time...sometimes down to one hour, or even one minute at time. It is hard for a lot of people to understand. That is okay. I just keep doing what I gotta do. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Little Man had a good day at school and a pretty good swim lesson.

Tomorrow will be the end of this crazy week, and for that I am thankful!!! I want things to get back to "normal".

Here is today's installment of the 30 Day Blog Challenge...

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

This one is pretty easy, however I had to go back to Thanksgiving 2009 to find it!!!

Must take more pictures.

Love to All.

...Wordless Wednesday...

2011-04-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

I know this is an old photo...but the eyes had me from the beginning. I love this Little Man!!!

Day 13 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge...

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

I may have to get back on this one...I have not really been hurt by anyone recently...except maybe myself. I always beat myself up!!! I might have to devote more time to this one!!!

Love to All.

...just another day...

2011-04-12T20:02:00.000-05:00

...not much going on around here...worked, volunteered in Little Man's classroom, took a nap, puttered around the house, then the Tuesday afternoon routine (swim lessons and Exerfun). Tomorrow, I work for a bit in the afternoon (heaven help me...with 4th and 5th graders!!!) and we start Coach-Pitch baseball. I will admit, I am a little nervous about the whole being part of a team thing, but it is important for Little Man that we try...

...so, we are on Day 12 of the 30 Day Blogging Challenge...

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I think I found out about Blogger via Twitter...many of my "tweeps" had blogs already and I began to follow them. I thought, why not??? The timing was perfect...my therapist wanted me to journal, and I am not a "pen and paper" person much anymore. Sure, my blog is not exciting, but it is therapeutic.

That is about it. The posts this week are short and sweet. Lots going on.

Love to All.

...back on track???

2011-04-11T19:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I put my big girl pants on and went back to a Weight Watchers meeting today. I am currently at the heaviest weight I have EVER been. I am even heavier now than when I delivered Little Man almost seven years ago. I seriously have to look at this as a lifestyle change (I know, I have always said that). I will have to monitor my food intake and activity for the rest of my life. I am not a professional, though I have visited professionals, but I believe that I am addicted to food. I don't eat if I am happy/sad/lonely/depressed, etc. I eat because I like it. It gives me a high. I equate this to what a drug addict or an alcoholic feels like when they get their "fix". Of course, you need food to live...you don't need drugs or alcohol. This is where the struggle comes in. I also look at the money side of it. I spent $140 at the grocery store yesterday, and I have to ask myself "what did I get???". I could spend four bucks at McDonalds, get two McChicken Sandwiches, a small fry and a large Diet Coke. All that, and I don't have to cook. I have to change my way of thinking. I bought a lot of fresh produce and lean proteins and low-fat dairy. Now, I have to learn how to cook/prepare/serve these things.

Tonight, not so good. Dinner was Macaroni & Cheese. Kraft. From a box.

I am getting better. The fast food thing is going to be hard. I am going to have to wrap my head around the new PointsPlus system. Mike and I are committed to going back to the gym this week. I just need to plan, and we all know how good I am at planning. :)

On to the 30 Day Blog Challenge...

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

This is a pretty old photo...I had to dig it out. Again, it is me, Lisa and Lia. I think this was taken in maybe 1993-1994-ish. I am not good with the dates. We may not have been 21 yet. If we were 21, it might be just barely...or Lia and Lisa were, and I still had not had my birthday. I remember thinking I was such a cow in this photo...oh, how I would love to go back to this weight. I would love to find a photo of me at my thinnest...which was around 1999-2000 when I was living in Florida. I did not know how to cook, and I did not have a lot of money to eat out all of the time. I am not sure how I survived, but I did. I was also very good about working out each and every day. I will have to see if I can find a photo and scan it in.

That is about all I know for now.

Love to All.

...wiped out...

2011-04-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

...so this will be short and sweet...just the 30 Day Blog Challenge today...

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

I don't get to listen to a whole lot of my own music it seems!!! I do like all sorts of music. I was mostly into the whole eighties-techno-new wave type music. My favorite group of all time was (is???) Depeche Mode. I also liked The Cure, INXS, U2 and They Might Be Giants. The Goo Goo Dolls were a favorite for awhile, as ws Matchbox Twenty (and the solo Rob Thomas). I listen to a lot of Disney Music, either from the movies or (my favorite) the Theme Parks. I might have to give this question some more thought and come back to it.

It is gonna be a crazy week, but I hope to get some "real" blogging in.

Love to All.

...beautiful day...

2011-04-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

...I feel renewed today...I feel that winter is over and spring is FINALLY here!!! Today the weather has been more summer-like, and I am okay with that. As I write this, it is 5:30 pm and still 89 degrees. I'll take it. I actually like (no, more like love) the warm weather. Little Man has had a good day. We went and saw the movie "Hop" this morning, and he loved it. He had a hard time with some of the previews (why previews are always so loud is beyond me), but regulated himself by plugging his ears. We went to lunch after Mike worked some overtime today, and he behaved. He played with the little girl,T*** that lives in the house behind us, they ran around in her sprinkler. She had another friend over as well, and he played very nicely with both of them...none of the needing to be first or being mean to the other girl because HE "was T***'s friend FIRST". He did very well. I was proud. Now he is playing Wii Sports Resort with Mike. A very good day, indeed.

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

I would have to go with the conversation that I had with the father at swimming lessons on Thursday. MY Little Man, giving another father hope. It made me feel good.

That is about all for today. I am off to enjoy with my family.

Love to All.

...nothing at all today...

2011-04-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

...I feel like I am neglecting the blog a little bit today...we have LOTS going on...so I will just stick with the 30 Day Blog Challenge...

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

My short term goal is just to get through the month!!! It is kind of busy in April...and I am picking up more hours at work next week (with the 4th and 5th graders...heaven help me!!!). Little Man has swim lessons, Exerfun and the start of Coach Pitch Baseball. This in addition to going to school. I have the extra hours at work and some professional development that needs to be completed. Easter is just around the corner. I just want to get to May (for lots of reasons).

That is about all for today. Sorry it was nothing much.

Love to All.

...it IS hard...

2011-04-07T20:17:00.000-05:00

...today is just one of those days where I would rather sit on the couch and play a card game on my laptop. That ain't gonna happen!!! I try to sneak away and play a game, but that blank blogger screen behind my game won't go away, so I am just going to jump in and do it...

Of all things, Little Man's elementary school was on "external lockdown" because of a shooting (?!?!?) in a nearby neighborhood. To quote from the email that was sent to parents shortly after the incident, "Law enforcement does not believe that there is an immediate threat to our schools. However, as a precautionary measure, we will be going into exterior lockdown to limit the outside access to students. When schools go into exterior lockdown, school activity goes on as normal inside the building and there is no outside school activity." This meant that the kids were not able to go to recess or have outdoor PE classes, and it was such a shame because it was a very nice day today. Little Man did report that they had lunch in their classrooms, which I found interesting. Luckilly, the students did not notice much change to their regular routine, which is a good thing. Little Man is very into routine, and when his schedule is changed up he can have difficulty dealing with it. I talked to him about today's changes, and he had a little difficulty with his afternoon recess (it was indoors as opposed to the outdoor morning recess) and had to visit the Resource Room. Other than that, he had a pretty good day.

That all changed when we went to swim lessons.

For whatever reason, when we got to lessons today, all he wanted to do was play and float in the water, turn his listening ears off and not do a thing his instructor asked him to do. We had two major meltdowns. I had to explain to him that the instructor was there to not only teach him how to be a better swimmer, but she was there to keep him safe. The meltdowns left me exhausted and in tears. The instructor was so sweet and surprisingly knowledgable about kids on the spectrum (I did not give her enough credit the other day). It seems that she really wants to work with Little Man and see him succeed. I filled out the paperwork for his private swim lessons, and his instructor is going to have the woman in charge of their Special Needs Program (forgot the name for it already) observe him in his group class (most likely) on Tuesday. I am ready for this. I want him to succeed, and I want him to continue doing something he enjoys.

What most made my day was that a father came up to me after the lesson (I was wiped out and emotionally exhausted after that lesson) and asked me how old Little Man was. We got to talking, he said he heard me talking with the instructor on Tuesday, and that his 3 1/2 year old son was just diagnosed with Autism. He just said that it was high functioning, did not go into if it was Asperger's or not, but a lot of his son's characteristics sound like that of Little Man. He said that watching Little Man gave him hope. Now that is something that a Mama likes to hear. It sounds like his son is on the same path of treatments and therapies that Little Man was. This gave ME hope. I know we are doing everything we can for Little Man, but to "see" it from another parents eyes kind of cements it. I know some days are harder than others and we have our ups and downs, but this kind of makes me feel better.

Of course, this father I spoke with did not witness Little Man's two meltdowns (his son has lessons after us).

On to the 30 day blog challenge...

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

My Little Man has the greatest impact on me. I always knew I wanted to be a Mommy, but I never knew I could love someone so much. He is the greatest joy in my life. Yes, there are days where I am drained or I want to throw in the towel, but he keeps me going.

Love to All

...not much still...

2011-04-06T19:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah...not much going on in my little world right now. Worked a regular shift at work today...HOWEVER, when 8:30 rolled around, I made my way down to Little Man's classroom to volunteer for the next three hours!!! I am so fortunate to be able to help out the way I do, and I appreciate being able to work with children. I think the volunteering gives me "practice".

Little Man has been having some social skills issues lately...yesterday, he BIT another student at recess. This is our first biting incident. I don't know where it came from. I tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't say much other than he was not feeling mad or angry when he did it. (?!?!?) I don't understand, but he won't sy much more. Today, things might have turned around a little bit. When he came home, he was excited because his "card" stayed on "green" all day His kindergarten teacher has a system of red/yellow/green cards for behavior. The green card means he had good behavior all day. That was good. He also earned a "PRIDE"ticket. When a student shows good behavior, demonstrates pride (PRIDE is also an acronym used for their school "pledge"), helps another student out or just plain does something worthwhile, they earn a "ticket". When the student earns 10 tickets, they get to have a lunch with the principal (whom Little Man thinks is a Rock Star anyway). Little Man has 61 of these tickets now!!! Most importantly, Little Man said that he apologized to the little boy who he bit yesterday. I asked if his teacher or resource teacher or a recess teacher prompted him to apologize. He said, "nope...I just decided to do it on my own. I was sorry for biting him and I wanted him to know". I MELTED. Small steps. Small steps.

Today is day 6 of the 30 day blog challenge...

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

I have never really been into the whole super hero thing. Now, if you can consider Mickey Mouse a super hero, then he is my favorite. No, he does not wear a cape or tights, but I think he is pretty remarkable. Especially Sorcerer Mickey...he is curious and a little bit mischevious. I think that is all right!!!

That is about all I know for now.

Love to All.

...wiped out...again...

2011-04-05T20:16:00.000-05:00

...so this will be short and sweet...I worked another "long" day with the preschoolers today. I am tired and I ache. Little Man had swim lessons today. His instructor advised that he enroll in private lessons...because of social skills, temper tantrums and over the last three lessons, he is falling behind. I am actually okay with this. I don't want to take swim lessons away from him...he loves them so much. BUT, I don't want him to get frustrated. Yes, these lessons are going to cost a little more, but I think the payoff will be worth it.

Now, how do I arrange for a one person Little League team?!?!?

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Ummm...Walt Disney World. To those of you who really know me...this should come as no surprise!!!

Love to All.

...ick...

2011-04-04T20:21:00.000-05:00

...I feel icky, oh so icky...

I did not sleep well last night. I stayed up later than usual (watching Wrestlemania, of all things...) and we had severe storms roll in the area around 2:30. Pair both of those with waking up at 5:30, and all I wanted to do was come home and go back to sleep.

Yeah, didn't happen.

One of the Preschool Teacher's Assistants called in sick, so I was asked to work until 2pm. I am wiped out. It is not like I have not done this before, because I have. Today, all day, all I could think about was how my weight is LITERALLY weighing me down. Preschoolers are so active...so full of energy. I could barely keep up. All of the ups and downs and bending and stretching. Even before I was asked to work late, I thought my knees were giving out. When the kiddos got out their mats and blankets for naptime, many of them asked for me to rub their backs, so they could fall asleep. Of course, I obliged...but I kept thinking to myself how I must have looked like a big blob of goo (much like Jabba The Hutt) "rolling" around the floor going from kid to kid. Ick.

So I worked from 6:30 am - 2 pm. I did not know I was going to be working past 8:30, so I did not eat anything. Of course, my supervisors and the Preschool teacher offered to give me a break if I wanted to grab something to eat. Heavens, no!!! I don't like to eat in front of anyone, so I declined. I could just wait until I got off of work at 2, right??? Wrong. I binged on, of all things, McDonalds. Ick. Then I had pizza for dinner. I am literally dry heaving. I feel fine, I am just gagging from the amount of food just sitting in my stomach right now.

I don't know if I am strong enough to change, yet something needs to be done. Yes, I have done Weight Watchers before...with moderate success...but I don't stick with it long enough to see it through. Yes, they tell me (and I know) that it is a lifestyle change. Right now, my lifestyle is lazy. Barely doing enough to get by. This all has to change. I am scared. For the first time ever (if you can believe this) the other day, it hit me...this is the only life that I have to live. Right now, I am dying. This addiction, this obesity, this lifestyle is killing me. I can't sugar-coat it. It is killing me.

Apparently, I have to be in the "right" mental state of mind to get the health/fitness part underway. Will this ever happen??? How do I make it happen??? I have a feeling that I will be making a call to my therapist soon.

So, I am on day 4 of the 30 day blogging challenge...I think it all kind of ties in to today's post...

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

I honestly wish I could say that eating was a habit that I wish I didn't have...but I know that we have to eat to live. I just can't live to eat. I need to change my relationship with food. It can't rule my life. I have to know when to stop. I have to learn control.

I really don't have any "bad" habits to speak of. I tried a cigarette ONCE (and it was 13 years ago) when I had been drinking with friends...and vomited. I don't drink to speak of...I have not had a drink in years. I think I had a beer five or six years ago. I always said that I would rather eat my calories than drink them (that is why I love Diet Coke). I have curbed my spending habit. I guess one of my "habits" is Disney...but I don't regret that one. Yes, I would say that the OVEReating is a habit that I wish I didn't have.

That is about all I know. Hopefully the next post will be a little more positive!!! I am in a pretty good mood, just tired and very full.

Love to All.

...day by day...

2011-04-03T18:58:00.000-05:00

...today has been a bit of a struggle. Sometimes I feel like a defiant child. When I get told something, I want to do the opposite. Every day, I have to work at this.

We are watching Wrestlemania 27 this evening (again, don't judge!!!) so I will make this short and sweet tonight...

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

...this is a photo of me, Lisa and Lia. I have known Lisa since we were 11, and in the same sixth grade class. She now lives near Boston. I have know Lia since we were about 13 and in (awkward) middle school. Lia lives about 20 minutes away, and ashamedly, I don't spend enough time with her. Embarassingly, this photo was taken aout a year and a half ago. I need to a) spend more time with friends and b) take more pictures...of friends, Little Man, life in general.

That is about all I have for now.

Love to All.

...had a good day...almost forgot about day two...

2011-04-02T23:34:00.000-05:00

...we have had a pretty good day...the AT&T U-Verse guy showed up EARLY and we think he FINALLY fixed the problem we have had with our televisions for over a month now. We had a really nice lunch, it was All-You-Can-Eat, and I was surprisingy full after a salad and one plate. Ummm, All-You-Can-Eat. I did really well this time, I think. We waited around and had dessert a little while later. We capped the day off with a visit to the park. Of course, in between, Mike did kind of ride me about what little I have been doing around the house. I pointed out what I have done. He acknowledged that, but kept on about what still needs to be done. He does not understand. I can't change that. I am working on what I can do.

Anyway. It was a good day, overall.

Here is day two of the thirty day challenge...

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

...I really did not put a lot of thought behind it...my blog was created originally because my therapist wanted me to journal. I used to do a lot of writing when I was younger, but anymore, I find that I don't have the "time" to put pen to paper. My blog was more of an outlet, and not very exciting. It was to focus on, just another day. The my little world part was just because it is supposed to be the goings-on of what happens, in my little world. Not very exciting.

That is about it. All-in-all it was a good day.

Love to All.

...already stuck...and tired!!!

2011-04-01T20:26:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I am tired. I napped today, yes. I worked three more hours than usual, yes. We had fish fry from the nearest Catholic Church for dinner (no, I am not Catholic, but I appreciate their tasty, fried fish). I am wiped. My boss, who drives 45 minutes to our job, works full time, has a husband and three kids, one of whom is a special needs (Downs Syndrome) three year old, and she seems to always have IT together...my boss tells me that I "look tired". Yes, today I was part of a team that overlooked 25 full-of-energy-and-not-wanting-to-listen-kindergarteners...that may have had me a little frazzled, but I have NO excuse to look "tired". I don't do enough to merit a "tired" look. I know this whole changing-my-life thing is going to come slowly, but I should not look or feel tired.

But, tonight I am wiped out.

I am going to default tonight to starting one of those cheesey "30 Day Challenge" things that I can bounce back on on days like this. I will still blog when I have something to talk about (tonight, I got nuttin'), but I will commit to at least updating this over the next 30 days...

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

...a recent picture of myself...I don't feel pretty or skinny enough to take pictures, so there are very few of me. The one used for my blog, most websites where you have to upload a pic of yourself, twitter and facebook are all from a Christmas Party in 2009. It has been cropped to high-heaven so you can't quite see my cheeks and double chin!!! I think I may have a pic of me from Walt Disney World last fall...must work on taking more pictures so my future grandchildren and great-grandchildren will actually know what I look like...

...okay, so there is a pic of me, Mike (LOVE the classy wife-beater he is wearing in what is our most recent family pic) and Little Man. Yes, my husband is a born-and-raised Floridian, and his philosophy while being in the Florida sun is NO SLEEVES. Classy. I try not to take too many pics of him while we are on vacation!!!

Fifteen interesting facts about me...this may take longer than I thought...

1) I am the oldest of five children. We all range in age from 22 to 37. I thought I was going to have a big family as well...but am secretly glad that Little Man is an only child.

2) I love working with my preschoolers and kindergarteners. I really think that I relate to them...I am a big kid at heart!!!

3) I wanted to be a teacher when I ~~grew~~ grow up. First, I have to grow up!!! Second, I have to get over my phobia of chalk!!! Thank goodness most classrooms went to white boards!!!

4) I am NOT a good cook at all. I have ruined Hamburger Helper, and Little Man has described my Kraft Macaroni & Cheese as "yucky". I am trying, and getting better (Little Man will now eat my mac & cheese). I am so not a cook that, when I met Mike, all I had in my kitchen was a box of chocolate Teddy Grahams and a case of Diet Cherry Coke. I blame my weight gain on his ability to cook and his feeling sorry for me and feeding me.

5) I miss Florida. I love Saint Louis. I hate winter weather. My family keeps me here.

6) I loved working for Disney, but at the end of the day, I prefer being a Guest.

7) I like to watch professional wrestling. Don't judge.

8) I am a "reformed" shopaholic. I use the term reformed loosely. Yes, there was a time when my Target addiction was upwards of $1000 a month. Yes. Target. I still like to shop, but don't spend that kind of money. I am not as compulsive as I used to be. I thank therapy for this.

9) Yes, in case you are new to the blog, I can admit freely that I have been in therapy. I still need therapy. It is an ongoing thing.

10) Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper are gifts from God. Really. Have you worked with 3-4-5 year olds at 6:30 in the morning???

11) Even though I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning, I am not a morning person. Morning and I have never been friends.

12) I love to read, and it is not uncommon for me to get into a new book and stay up all night reading it.

13) I love to watch SpongeBob SquarePants with my Little Man. I also adore the show Olivia on NickJr. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I don't care how old you are. She is a very wise little pig.

14) That being said, I don't know what I would do without my DVR. I can watch "my" shows whenever I get a chance.

15) I can't believe that I came up with 15 different things. Interesting or not, I did it!!!

So I don't forget the daily topics, I have listed them in today's post...

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Your favorite song

...here is to getting through the next thirty days...heck, here is to getting through the next thirty hours!!! I can do it!!!

Love to All.

...temper tantrums, social skills, funny little compulsions and the like...

2011-03-31T18:51:00.000-05:00

...Little Man was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was three. I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. My main goal was to get him whatever services he needed to make him "normal". Mike was almost in denial of the whole thing. He thought we were blowing things way out of proportion and all he needed was a little more discipline.

Yes, I am the mother in Target who you were looking at when her child was "misbehaving"...when it was really more like he was reacting to the sound of the vacuum cleaner that the associate was running in the Misses section. Yes, I am the mother who you saw on the corner of the parking lot, waiting patiently and hoping not to be late to the doctor's appointment because her child was stepping on and off the curb 50-some-odd times because he "wanted to get it right".   Yes, I am the mother who you are in line in back of at McDonalds, hoping you are being understanding about the delay in getting to order because her child is counting and counting, trying to make the right decision of whether to have chicken nuggets or a cheeseburger for dinner. I am even the woman at Walt Disney World who you rolled your eyes at while waiting in line to see Buzz and Woody, because her son had to stop and make sure that Woody was going to sign his autograph book on the "right" page, because he dropped his book and lost that page.  There are all sorts of little "tics" that Little Man has that I have grown accustomed to, or have simply gotten used to over the years. I give you a small smile, hoping that you are understanding, but knowing that you, like my husband USED to think, probably think that my child just needs some more discipline. Asperger's is an "invisible condition". To see my son, he looks like every other average six year old...but I know that he has a definite different way of doing things. And that is okay.

Little Man has had Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy since he was about two and a half, when we realized that something was just "not right". He was able to start preschool at our school district at the age of three. He has absolutely flourished. He is now in kindergarten, still working on Speech and OT, but also has a class for "social skills" and has the resources to use if he is feeling overwhelmed or has a meltdown. He has a great team working for him. I am glad that I was so vigilant about getting him the services that he needed, and I am glad that Mike turned around. I just explained to Mike that we would rather have him take full advantage of all of these services that DH thought he "didn't need" than to let him fall through the cracks.  I was determined not to let my son become a "Lost Boy".

This is not to say that we still don't have our struggles. Just today, at swim lessons, Little Man threw a kickboard and had a temper tantrum. The swim instructor, who is very good, but very young told me that he had to "work on his tantrums". Part of me wanted to stand up and shout "you don't understand...my son is on the Autism Spectrum...he can't alway help how he acts...please be understanding!!!". I didn't. I told her that it is somethig that we are always working on, and we would continue to work on. I told her that he really loves coming to swim lessons, and asked her what he did well in today's lesson. I did my best to make a "bad" situation good.   Little Man and I came home and discussed that it is never acceptable to throw a kickboard, that it is simply not safe.  We also talked about listening to our swim instructor and trying our hardest.  I learned that Little Man was frustrated because he is the youngest of the three boys in his class, and he is not always finishing first, or even finishing at all. He sometimes has to start a lap over because his feet touched the bottom of the pool. Wow. I explained to him that he is still learning, and the older boys have had more experience. I feel better being able to talk things out with him.

I know that there is no such thing as "normal" really. Everyone has their own way of thinking and doing things. Asperger's is not something that Little Man will outgrow. It is something that he will learn to cope with. I am STILL trying to learn as much as I can. It is a new experience every day.

As far as MY own struggles go...I am still coping. No nap yesterday (yeah me!!!) and managed to get a few things done around the house. Unloaded/loaded/ran the dishwasher. Did a load of laundry and folded about half of the eight baskets of clean laundry. Does not sound like much, but to me it was the world. I also worked four extra hours at school last night, working at the before/after school program registration. Not that it should be an excuse for not getting more done, but that was a chunk of my evening.

Now to get off this computer and get a few more things done today. Thanks for listening, because I am sure I did not make much sense in this ramble!!!

Love to All.

So Much for a "Wordless Wednesday" post...I'm Back, Baby!!!

2011-03-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

Wow...I have not blogged in awhile. I am back on the wagon, friends.

I don't feel like there is much going on...I'll think about some updates...

Little Man...
Little Man is doing great. Kindergarten is going well. We had his parent/teacher conference earlier this month...he is reading at a second grade level (proud, nerdy mama here!!!). He is also doing very well at math (mama is proud, but mama is admittedly a little scared since mama is not good at math...here is hoping he does not ask for help from me!!!). Social skills need some working on, but this seems to be something that I can expect from a child with Asperger's. We are so lucky to be in the elementary school that we are...we have such a great team pulling for Little Man. I am fortunate to be able to work at the same school that he goes to...I feel that I am a little more involved. I see his teachers and other members of his team just about every day. With my job, I am able to volunteer in his classroom on Tuesdays and with other kindergarteners on Fridays. He is flourishing, both in school and at home. We still have swim lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays and we will start (Coach-Pitch) Baseball next month.

My (not really new) Job...
I love the change in careers that I made last year. The Credit Union where I worked was a very good company to work for. They were very good to me, and very fair to work for. I just was not 100% happy. I was not content to be a teller for the rest of my life. It just seemed so mundane to me, and not really what I wanted to be doing. Mike and I decided that last June I could take the plunge and quit my job. We agreed on a "deadline" of our trip to Walt Disney World in late September to either a) get a home-based daycare underway or b) find another job. Well, I found another job. A part-time job, but another job...following my heart...I was going to be working with children in our district's before/after school care. I was fortunate enough to get a job at Little Man's school. I started out working with the second grade group before school. Right around Thanksgiving, I moved to the preschool group. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE working with the preschoolers. This is where I want to be. I love my preschoolers...just today I was told that a) I was pretty, b) my shirt was pretty, and c) that I smelled good. I love what comes out of their little mouths and minds!!! I also get lots of hugs, and that makes everything better!!! Since my job is part-time, our agreement is that I go back to school. I am SLOWLY working on that. I am scared. I am sure that there is enough going on there for me to write another whole blogpost about!!!

My Weight Loss...
Ummm...yeah. This has stalled. ~~Part is~~ it is ALL my doing...I cancelled Weight Watchers last December because of spending the $40/month and getting nowhere...of course, I was doing nothing and getting nowhere. I have actually GAINED ten pounds since I quit my full time job last June. Ten pounds that I absolutely do not need. I am determined to get back on track...eat better...get back to the gym. All of this has to be one step at a time.

My Deprression, Anxiety and all that Jazz...
We changed insurance plans last October (I think I might have touched on it in an earlier blogpost). We are STILL getting the hang of it all. We have all but met our deductible (I think we are ten dollars away), so I will be able to visit my therapist at no cost. I could have visited my therapist before, but it would have been costly. Mike has encouraged me to visit my therapist, and I have missed her terribly...BUT I have been as stubborn as a child about not going...I think I have been a little lazy. I have been a little lazy about a lot of things. I probably should go back. I will make a resolve to go back. Babysteps, babysteps, babysteps. I have also not seen my psycharitist (sp) in awhile. I know I have to, and I have "taken myself" off of all of my depression/anxiety meds. I know I was not supposed to just stop them, but I feel okay. I hated all of those different pills and what some of them did to me (probably a whole other blogpost in the waiting right here!!!). I am determined to find a new doctor and hopefully take a new course with meds. I have not been as compulsive with some things (shopping...I have not been shopping like I used to...go ME!!!) but I know that there is still a lot that I need to work on.

Moving (or Not) Back to Florida
My heart is in the Sunshine State. My mind is here in the Show-Me-State. We still have the daily debate on whether or not we will move back. Right now, we are doing okay here in MO. Little Man is doing well and his school is great. We are in no position to move right now (too much stuff to get rid of/.pack up) but it is in the back of our minds. I think the deal-breaker will be how much more Mike can handle at his job. He is currently not very happy...but he is sticking it out. I don't want to hold him back. I know the only job he was TRULY happy at was when he worked Security at Walt Disney World. I hate that we took him away from that (again, I know that this could be a whole other blogpost!!!). I love and admire him for "sticking it out". I have always told him that if he wants to go back, we will.

Everything Else...
I think what is weighing heavily on me right now is my lack of motivation. I work two-ish hours a day, but I have no motivation to do anything else. I don't go to the gym, I don't organize my home. I hardly keep up with daily chores!!! I am so ashamed and embarassed about my lack of motivation. I get home from work, eat breakfast and then go back to sleep with Mike (his sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up, and he sleeps from about 9 am - 1 pm). Mike has been a good sport, for the most part. I think his patience is wearing thin. He is tired of not having clean plates and utensils when he needs them (seriously, how hard is it for me to load/unload the dishwasher???), a spot on the counter to work on (because I feel that clearing the counters is "overwhelming"), he is the one doing the laundry (really, is it too much to ask for clean underwear???). Right now, I am staring at EIGHT (yes, you read that right...eight) laundry baskets of clean, unfolded laundry. My husband was good enough to catch up the laundry, but I can't manage to even fold it. I am not going to beat myself up over it, but I am going to get to working on it. I have always followed http://www.flylady.net/ and know that I can do anything in just fifteen mintues. My simple goal today is not to go back to sleep. Of course, I need to get off of this computer (it has been my crutch over the last few months) and get moving.

I have opened so many doors...and there is so much more that I want to work on. :) From the daunting task of getting this house "move-ready" (our phrase for cleaning/purging/organizing...act like we are moving out of the house!!!) to the simple task of simply taking more pictures...Little Man is not going to be little forever!!!

This all ties together...my depression, my stall in weight loss, my "zoning" and neglecting day-to-day duties. Everything will not change overnight, but I need to take it step-by-step. So, off I go...I am going to throw in a load of laundry, load the dishwasher and clear off one kitchen counter. Does not sound like much, and believe me there is SO much more to do...but this is just the beginning. One step. And I can do it.

Love to All.

...now I know...

2010-10-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

I know that God only gives you what you can handle. I have to remember this. I grew up the oldest of five children, and always assumed that I would have a large family of my own. We had Michael right away, so I figured the second baby would come easily. That was more than six years ago. Number two has not come so easily, much less number three or four!!! I am an aunt to two nephews, who I absolutely adore. I watched them, along with Little Man on Friday night.

Yeah, now I know why God gave me just one child.

Don't get me wrong...I love squishy little babies. They are so sweet and so cute, but I love my independent little boy. I really don't miss the baby stage. I like that Little Man can entertain himself so I can get dinner made. I like that Little Man is potty trained and can feed himself. Perhaps it is due to me suddenly becoming selfish or lazy...but I kind of doubt that...I did fine when Little Man was a baby. I just honestly think that God only gives you what you can handle. Maybe He knows that I was meant for only one child. That one child needed my 100% attention, he needed all of my efforts and abilities.

I think God has been looking out for me, and for my family.

Love to All.

...keep on trucking...

2010-10-21T18:58:00.000-05:00

That is what I gotta do. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one pound at a time, etc. I have a lot of plates spinning, and I gotta keep them going...once one falls, the others follow...depression, money, bills, weight loss, parenting...there are so many more...

I just have to remember to stay true to myself and not be influenced by others. I think that is what my problem was in the past...being someone who I really wasn't. I always let others mold me.

I sometimes have a black cloud that hangs over me. Some days are rainbows and sunshine. I can't help the way I feel. I just have to keep on trucking and take things one day at a time.

Now to tackle some of my "purging". Taking that one item at a time. Gonna tackle the family room this evening. It is two-fold...I have to have the family room in order before tomorrow, I am watching my nephews...and I want them to have the room to play whatever they want!!!

Love to All.

...denial???

2010-10-19T18:51:00.000-05:00

Things are coming together slowly. Very slowly. I think I am in denial.

DH wants to move back to Florida, like yesterday. I think I am ready. If we move, it won't be until June of 2011.

This seems to be a recurring theme for us over the past year. We think about it, and then never do it.

I think we are ready.

Maybe.

I think we will be all right once we get there, but the getting there is my stumbling block. I am afraid to pack up the house. I am afraid of the actual move. I am having trouble wrapping my head around the logistics of it.

It was easy to move to Saint Louis when it was just me and Mike. We filled our UHaul with our crap and went on our merry way. We got rid of A LOT in a garage sale before we moved. A lot. We made almost $1000 in a three day sale. I am afraid of moving this time because of the addition of Michael and all of our accumulated stuff.

I am supposed to be purging through our stuff...one Rubbermaid tote at a time. Keep, sell, toss...keep, sell, toss. That has to be my mantra. One tote at a time, one drawer, one cabinet at a time. I don't know where to begin. All of this, and the holidays are coming up...more crap for Michael. ARUGGHHH!!! Of course, I still have a lot of his baby toys. Those should be easy to get rid of.

Keep, sell, toss. Now I just have to get off of this couch and get to doing it. I will keep my progress posted. So far, I cleaned out one drawer in the kitchen. That's it. One day, one drawer at a time.

Love to All.

...I will survive...

2010-10-18T18:53:00.002-05:00

Remember the old adage, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"??? Well, someone needs to remind my DH about that. We are now possiby screwed for the next 11 months insurance-wise. We will survive, but it is going to be a rollercoaster ride. Literally.

DH changed insurance at work. Since I left the Credit Union in June, I am now on his insurance. Mike thought he was changing to the best policy for us. A high-deductible Health Savings Account Plan. Yikes...a $4000 deductible to meet!!! However, he assured me that after that deductible was met, that everything was covered 100%. The school district would contribute $2000 to his HSA, and we would contribute the other $2000 through his payroll deduction. What he understood (and stands firmly on that he was TOLD) was that we would have $4000 in our HSA from the beginning...that we were "paying back" the other $2000 via payroll deduction.

Fair Enough.

We go to Walgreens to get DH's prescriptions. Yes, he is on something like six prescriptions...and the three month supply cost over $1600. No big deal. The money is in the HSA, and we are that much closer to meeting our deductible. Next we go to Target to get MY prescriptions (they are doing the $10 giftcard giveaway with new prescriptions...could not pass that up!!!). $579 and change for TWO prescriptions, one month supply. My heart skipped a beat, but knew that we had the $4000 in the HSA and handed over the HSA debit card to the clerk.

Denied. Declined. Whatever you call it, the card was not paying for the prescriptions.

We called the bank that handles the HSA, and were told that there was only $400 and change in the HSA account. Really??? That did not make sense, so the next call was to the benefits department.

After what seemed like an eternity on the phone, it turns out that yes, the school district made a contriution of $2000, but the other $2000 is added as it comes out of the paychecks. It was NOT "fronted" and we are NOT "paying back". Right now, I don't have $579 loose, everything is earmarked. Money is a lot tighter since I went to a part-time position. I am not picking up these prescriptions, and I have no idea how we are going to meet this crazy deductible. DH should be okay, he only needs a little more before he meets his deductible...then everything of his will be covered 100%...while I go without therapy visits, visit with my psycharitist and most importantly...my meds.

Until we get finances figured out, and get this deductible met, I am bracing myself for a rollercoaster ride. I am just going to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

My first day back on Weight Watchers and this gets the best of me. A bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms were tasty, but did nothing to make the situation better.

We will see what happens. Until then, I am gonna have to enjoy the ride.

Love to All.

...getting back in the habit...

2010-10-17T19:53:00.000-05:00

Getting back into the swing of things. I am back to trying to blog as often as I can. I can't promise everyday, but I am going to get better about making an effort to blog.

Today I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting in a couple of months. I can't say that I am really inspired. It just has to become habit for me. My goal this week is to just watch what I am consuming. I can't say that I am going to make any major changes to what I eat...just watch the portion of what I am eating.

I have to watch what I am cooking and how I am cooking it. That will come. Right now, I have a kitchen full of groceries that need to be eaten. That being said, I am not inspired to cook.

Yeah. Still working on the whole depression thing!!! :)

One day at a time, and results will come.

Love to All.

...depression sucks...

2010-10-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

Yes it does. I have had zero interest in anything for awhile now. Everyday is a struggle. I am not sure how to make myself happy. I am taking my meds. I have not seen my therapist in awhile. We have had some insurance changes and I was not able to see her after I left the Credit Union. DH's insurance did not cover my particular therapist, but that all changed 10/1. I am glad that I will be able to see her again.

No motivation. I will say that Little Man continues to make me smile...but that is about it.

I changed my job...thought that would help...it hasn't. I like my new job a lot, and love that there is something new and different every day, but waking up in the morning to get to work is a struggle.

I find that all I want to do during the day is sleep. I spend most of the day sleeping. I don't know what is wrong.

Right now, DH is working OT so we can afford to give Little Man a nice Christmas (have to think ahead when money is this tight)...and what am I doing??? Nothing.

I need to get off this computer and get moving. Let's hope I can get something done. It is the least I can do!!!
Love to All.

I'm Going to Disney World!!!

2010-09-05T21:31:00.001-05:00

Okay...so this trip has been planned for over a year...my sister is getting married at Epcot, so we are all shuttling down to the happiest place on Earth. Disney is MY happy place. I worked for them for more than six years, and met my husband while working for the Mouse. Yes, I am going to Disney World...my favorite place in the world.

HOWEVER...I have never been there as heavy as I am right now. Of course, the focus of this visit is my sister's wedding...and to see friends and family that we still have in the Sunshine State (my husband was born and raised in Florida). Of course, we will also manage to cram five days in the parks durning this visit. Eight crazy days. During that time in the parks, our goal is to make it as magical as possible for Little Man...but Momma wants to have some fun too!!! According to all sorts of Disney-fan sites, Message Boards, Facebook and Twitter...you can be heavy and STILL enjoy all that Disney has to offer. There are all sorts of stories and testimonials from Disney fans, some with stats that are larger than mine, who have ridden all of the rides and squeezed into seats at shows.

That is not good enough for me.

I am doing research into next year's trip to Disney. DH wants to go somewhere other than Disney (the horror!!!)...he suggested Disneyland or the Disney Cruise. ;) Either would work...I have a cousin who lives about 45 minutes from Disneyland, and she is getting married in the next year...so if we have to fly to California, we may as well see the original. ANYWAY, my goal...whether we go back to Walt Disney World, go out to California or take a cruise...my goal is to be 100 lbs. lighter this time next year. I will still have a way to go before I hit goal (another approximate 85 lbs after that..) but I will be back where I was when I left Florida seven years ago. Heck, I may even be smaller than I was at that point...I did not own a scale back then...and I did not attend WW meetings...I just gained and gained and gained...I was pretty much in denial.

It averages out to be a little less than 2 lbs a week. I know some weeks will be better than others...and 100 lbs in a year is a pretty lofty goal...but it is something that I am going to work towards I won't be any worse off this time next year than I am today. No matter how I do, I will be a success.

Love to All.

...what was the last straw???

2010-08-19T19:39:00.000-05:00

Today on the Weight Watchers Boards...someone asked what was your last straw??? The straw that broke the camel's back when it came to losing weight??? It gave me something to think about...and alas, my first blog post in a long time. What makes me want to lose this weight??? What was the deciding factor when it comes to losing this weight???

~ Michael. Plain and simple. I told my WW leader that I feel like I have jipped Michael out of a mother because I can't do a lot of things with him. My energy is zapped and I feel blah most of the time. I know my depression plays into this...BUT I think that a lot of the depression stems from my weight...it is a vicious circle...I gain weight because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am fat and tired, I gain more weight because I am depressed...you see where this is going. I am looking forward to going to Walt Disney World this fall for my sister's wedding...but I am NOT looking forward to it because of all of the walking and the heat and the sun...what kind of mother am I that I am not looking forward to taking my son to the Happiest Place on Earth (and my happy place). I feel that Michael is missing out on a lot because his Mommy is fat.

~ I am ashamed of how I look...I am ashamed that I let myself get this way. I am ashamed of how this reflects on my family. I know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to going out and being around people...but I believe that some of my anxiety comes from my weight. I hate to think of what people see or what they think of me when they see me.

~ My body is tired. It does not ache all the time, but it just feels tired.

~ I am tired of paying $50 for a pair of jeans, $32 for a bra, $6 for a pair of panties. I want to shop in regular size stores. I know I will never ever be tiny...but I want to know what it is like to shop at a regular store...even if it is for a size XL...it won't be a 4X.

I don't know what is wrong with me...I went to the WW meeting two weeks ago, and have not been back since. I have not tracked, measured, counted, etc. I have been eating crap like I normally do. I have not been working out. I just don't know. I know why I need to lose the weight...I know how I feel...I just don't know how to do it.

I know this has been kind of a depressing post, but I have to get back on track. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to let it all out. I hope to be back on track...losing weight, working out, blogging...I just need to get back in the routine...

Love to All...

...opened my eyes...

2010-07-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, so my last post was Friday the 16th. That evening started a few days that managed to open my eyes. That night, a couple of hours after Mike went to bed, he woke up with chest pain and difficulity breathing. I was still awake, reading a book in bed. I knew something was not quite right with him, but he was hemming and hawing about calling the doctor, much less going to the emergency room. I don't waste much time, and we decided to go to the ER. I had to wake Little Man up and get him out of bed...but that was the least of my concern. The less than ten minute drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. They rushed Mike in right away. The checked him out and hooked him up and ruled out a heart attack. Thank God. They still had to figure out what exactly caused the chest pain, so they ran more tests. Little Man was tired and restless...thank goodness that the nurse assigned to Mike was a father himself. He raided the hospitals stash of old VHS movies and managed to find a copy of Toy Story 2 for Little Man to watch to pass the time. Mike still had chest pain and pressure, despite the fact that a heart attack was ruled out. They kept giving him morphine for the pain. They were keeping him overnight for observation, we figured that. We made sure that he was comfortable (as can be) in his room before Little Man and I headed home. It was well after 3am, and we were exhausted. Little Man slept in my bed with me...more for my comfort than his. I can't say comfort...he is a kicker!!! I was so tired, that it did not hit me that my husband was not there.

Saturday came and Little Man and I went to the hospital to see Mike. We figured that they would release him, telling him tha the needed to come back for a stress test on Monday. Nope. They were keeping him until Monday. They wanted to make sure that he got the stress test done, and the only way to ensure that was to keep him as a patient. If they sent him home, it would be considered outpatient and he would not get that stress test done until sometime that week. Mike was already bored in the hospital, Little Man was already restless visiting his Daddy, and I was freaking out. Freaking out because this meant I would be alone Saturday and Sunday nights.

I am normally a strong person, but the nights alone freak me out.

I managed to get through the days okay, muddled through them, really. I now know what it is like to be a single parent. I have to hand it to single parents, it is a TOUGH job. Little Man pushed all of my buttons, and pushed them to the limit!!! I had to juggle schedules and get him off to school...all without my support system.

Mike had his stress test and EKG done Monday, along with an ultrasound of his liver. With all of the bloodwork, they found that his liver enzyme level was high and his magnesium level was low...so they did the ultrasound to be safe rather than sorry. All came back fine...EXCEPT for the ultrasound!!! They decided to keep him ANOTHER night!!! I was going batty!!! Again, Mike was bored and I ws freaking out. Little Man was back to his normal schedule, but he missed his Daddy.

I was able to pick him up Tuesday afternoon, and bring him home. Thank goodness.

Through all of this, I realized that I need Mike more than I realize. I love him more than I realize and I need his support and love more than I realize. It opened my eyes as to how much he does for me and our family and how much I love him. I can say that, and know that I always loved him...this just opened my eyes as to how much I really do love him.

Love to All.

...trying to waste time...

2010-07-16T12:29:00.000-05:00

I am trying to kill a little time...I emptied out my whole closet, and it is not putting itself back together!!! That is what I am filling my days with right now...tearing the house apart and putting it back together. It is not really a lot of fun, but needs to be done. Four years of piling crap on top of crap is finally catching up...and I finally have the time to tackle it. I don't consider myself, or Mike, a hoarder...but we do have a lot of crap!!! I am ready to streamline. Get rid of stuff that we don't need or use. I am tired of hanging onto it. It has to go.

Much has happned in the past couple of weeks. I have not found any kids to take care of, and that bums me out a bit. What bums me out most is that I went on a job interview last week...a job interview FOR THE SCHOOL DISTRICT. Yeah. I did not get the job. They gave it to someone who has their Masters Degree. Now tell me, why someone who has their FLIPPING MASTERS would want an $11/hour Attendance Secretary job?!?!? I feel pretty good about the interview...I was able (via Mike) to follow up with one of the women who interviewed me...and she said that I was among the top candidates. That is all well and good, but I still did not get the job!!! I am okay with it, I just did not realize HOW badly I wanted this secretary job.

Little Man started Kindergarten yesterday, and I feel bad that I don't feel more emotion about it. Everyone has been calling/texting/emailing me asking how he did and how I did. How did I do??? I spent the day running errands. He has been in preschool since he turned three...and he rode a bus as part of his preschool program...SO the first day of Kindergarten was like any other school day. Of course, he is glad to be back in school and into his routine...and I am thrilled that he loves school so much...BUT I am not getting all weepy about it.

So, that closet still hasn't put itself together...but I plan on wasting a little time on the old computer for awhile. Hopefully I will come up with something else to write about soon.

Love to All.

2010-07-03T17:56:00.000-05:00

I got today's MeMe from http://www.thedailymeme.com/, which linked me to http://www.samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/

Make Me Say It Again, Girl

Welcome to Saturday: 9. What we've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday. Sometimes the post will have a theme, and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated. Those weeks we do "random questions," so-to-speak. We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment. Because we don't have any rules, it is your choice. We hate rules. We love memes, however, and here is today's meme!

Saturday 9: Make Me Say It Again, Girl

1. Do you feel that you need to keep repeating yourself when talking to a particular person? ~ sometimes when I talk to Little Man. He is going through a very impatient phase right now, so I am going over the same things over and over and over sometimes!!!

2. It's July. Do you have anything special planned? ~ nothing special...just adjusting to the life of a SAHM!!!

3. Who is your big celebrity crush? ~ John Rzenik, the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls, Nick Lachey, and (don't laugh) Adam Lambert...even though I know he is totally gay...I just love how confident and talented he is.

4. Tell us about a local restaurant you are sure we'd love. ~ Imo's Pizza, they serve Saint Louis style (super-thin) pizza, good sandwiches and salads as well.

5. Tell us about the shyest person that you deal with regularly. ~ me...I can be terribly shy in certain situations

6. What is your vision of heaven and hell? ~ embarassingly enough, I have the same vision that an eight year old would have. Heaven is all sunshine and clouds and rainbows...hell is fire and brimstone.

7. What is your neighborhood like? ~ typical suburbia

8. What's your favorite cook-out food? ~ pork steaks (it's a Saint Louis thing)

9. When was the last time that you saw fireworks? ~ last night, my neighbors were setting them off as I was trying to sleep!!!

Love to All

...it hasn't sunk in yet...

2010-07-03T17:38:00.000-05:00

...I have been out of work, through my own choosing, since Wednesday evening. It hasn't hit me yet that I am now officially a Stay At Home Mom. I have learned a couple of things over the past few days...

...I really can get stuff done if I set my mind to it...I have relished the role of SAHM so far...I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished. I have a routine down. I am so proud of myself.

...I am not going to let the lack of kids to take care of right now get me down. I still have a little bit of time to get some kids in. I am not giving up on that. I am determined to make this work.

...Mike can be right about some things...

...I can not be left in the house with a box of Drumsticks. Nope. Can't bring those little guys into the house anymore!!! Not if I need to fit in an airplane seat in two months!!!

Nothing too exciting, but hopefully that will change. I am excited to start this next chapter in my family's life. :)

Love to All.

~ Sunday Stealing ~

2010-06-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

I got this MeMe from http://sundaystealing.blogspot.com/ I found it via http://www.thedailymeme.com/. It helps me a little bit when I don't have a lot going on...which is most of the time!!!

1. What curse word do you use the most? ~ I hate that I use it, but it is the eff word. Oh, I am so bad with it!!!

2. Do you own an iPod? ~ not an iPod brand, but I do have an mp3.

3. What person do you talk to on the phone the most? ~ Mike

4. Do you still remember the first person you kissed? ~ yes...not a good thought!!!

5. Do you remember where you were on 11/9/01? ~ took me a minute to realize it was 9/11/01...and yes, I was off work from Disney, so I was working my second job at Bass Shoes at the Orlando Premium Outlets. Mike dropped me off at work that morning, and the mall closed early, so my manager brought me home.

6. What was the last movie you watched? ~ Toy Story 3!!!

7. Has anyone ever called you lazy? ~ not that I know of, though I call myself lazy all of the time!!!

8. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep? ~ yes, prescription Lunesta

9. Has anyone told you a secret this week? ~ no

10. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? ~ eyes, legs

11. What are you looking forward to? ~ my trip to Disney for my sister's wedding

12. Do you own any band t-shirts? ~ back in the day

13. What will you be doing in one hour? ~ folding laundry (bo-ring), thinking about dinner, maybe even making dinner...

14. Is anyone in love with you? ~ I hope that Mike is!!!

15. Last time you cried? ~ watching TS3

16. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop? ~ laptop

17. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? ~ just my earring in my cartilage

18. Would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos? ~ yes, and I have...

19. What were you doing before this? ~ working (ugh)

20. When is the last time you slept on the floor? ~ years ago...on vacation of all things...

21. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? ~ at least 8...

22. Do you eat breakfast daily? ~ no, but I am getting better about it...I lose more weight when I eat three squares!!!

Love to All

...taking it all in...

2010-06-26T17:48:00.000-05:00

Reality has not set in...not quite yet. It won't hit me until Thursday...after my last day at work, after my going away party with my coworkers, after I get a chance to sleep in. No, the SAHM thing won't hit me until then. Do I regret giving my two weeks notice to work??? Yes, a tiny bit. I can't believe that I gave up a comfortable, decent paying job for...nothing.

Okay, I can't really say nothing. I am doing this for Little Man. He needs me to be available to him.

I can't say nothing. I am going back to school to make a better life for my family.

I can't say nothing. I was NOT destined to be a teller at the same branch, at the same location, with the same routine every day for the next twenty-five years of my life.

I am looking forward to my new beginning...I am a lot scared, but that is my nature. We have a plan, a deadline, a reason. If this does not work out, I can't look back and say that I did not try...because I did. I tried.

Love to All.

I did it...

2010-06-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

I did it...I turned in my two weeks notice to work. I am scared, nervous, excited, and happy all rolled in one. I have put my ads out there for childcare in my home...now I am just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I hope this works!!!

...even if it is only a couple of sentences...

2010-06-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

I am committed to blogging a little bit every single day. I am avoiding doing a million chores. I am scared. Mike gave me permission to give my two weeks notice to work. I am SCARED. It is finally coming together. This is HUGE. Huge. Huge. What if I don't get enough kids to make it??? I am scared. What if my family falls apart because I am whiney about my job??? I can't believe it is going to happen. I am freaking out here. More details to come. More later.

Love to All.

One Month At A Time...

2010-06-14T11:47:00.000-05:00

So I am not very good at this blogging thing...I have gone a MONTH without a single post...or even a thought about posting. Summer is here and we have been busy doing non-computer stuff...thank goodness!!!
Things that are going on...

1) I am seriously quitting my job by August 1st. We don't know what is going to happen, but we are determined to make this stay-at-home thing to work!!!

2) Since Mike is working days for the summer, I have lost the ability to work out in the mornings...so the workouts have come to a screeching halt...which means...

3) the scale is not budging...I have to get back on track with Weight Watchers at least...

4) we have yet to buy our plane tickets to Florida (yikes!!!) but one of my great fears is STILL my butt fitting into the seat...

5) I was put on Cymbalta for my bi-polar depression...but it was a disaster...made me more nervous and have more panic attacks than ever!!!

6) I still secretly want to move back to Florida...

7) Little Man is gearing up for Kindergarten...and that both excites me and terrifies me...

So, as you can see...much of the same old, same old...just gearing up for some changes that affect us in a big way!!! So, if I am not around, I apologize in advance...we are just enjoying everything that summer has to offer!!!

Love to All.

...been awhile...

2010-05-14T17:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, friends...it has been awhile since I sat and put my fingers to the keys...a lot has been going on in my little world. A lot that I have been struggling with.

First and foremost, the staying at home thing. All was a-go...until Mike looked closely into adding me and Little Man to his health insurance. He thought it was $338 a month...a little spendy, but we could manage. Nope, he looked closer and talked to someone in his benefits department...he was wrong. It was going to be $338 a PAYCHECK. Yes folks, almost $700 a month to for health insurance. At that point, my world crumbled and Mike broke the news to me that we would not be able to afford for me to stay at home (and go back to school). I slipped into quite a funk. I said that I couldn't stay at my job for another year.

~ side note ~ I often refer to us giving ourselves a year's deadline...that is just our own deadline...nothing quite hard and steadfast...just figure it is enough time to pack up the house and get everything in order...all while Little Man is in kindergarten...so we know what to expect for him in elementary school in the event that we do move...we know where he is school-wise...

So, I was in a funk...very upset that our plans, which were SO close to coming to fruition were just yanked from underneath me. I was so close to quitting, I could taste it!!! I would be home for Little Man when he needed me...I would be going back to school to get my degree to better my family's future...I was going to be HAPPY.

Mike has been reworking the numbers...and it is going to take some dipping into savings, and being close to broke, but we are going to make it happen. Not right away, but it will happen...closer to August. Maybe September. We are kinda undecided about that...we just want for me to contunue working for awhile to sock some more away in savings...

If this does not work out, and we fall flat on our faces, we ARE Florida bound. For whatever reason, Mike thinks things will be better if we move back. I am not 100% sold, but am excited about being closer to Disney again...heck, maybe even working for Disney again. We won't make our millions that way, but we sure were happy.

*sigh* a girl can dream, right?!?!? :)

Love to All.

My 17 inch struggle...

2010-04-27T20:17:00.000-05:00

Okay...so we are staying here for another year. We have a lot of stuff to straighten up/straighten out in the next year. There are many reasons why we are waiting a year before making any life-changing, across the country, away from my family move. First and foremost, Michael starts kindergarten in July. We are working very hard and very closely with a panel of educators for Michael and his best interests. He has made such great strides in the last two and a half years...but we have a way to go. While his speech is getting better, his language is lagging...and his social skills are null. Of course, this is all so hard for me to swallow...my Little Man is practically perfect in every way. We had a big pow-wow today with the panel...and I wore my big girl pants to the meeting. I waited until we were in the car, driving out of the parking lot to break down into tears. What got me most is that they said that his IQ was below normal. Now, how can they really test th IQ of a five year old??? I just don't get it...he is SO smart. He just lacks the social skills. Mike told me to focus on the positive things that they mentioned...and that they did say that there is some variance on the IQ results. It is just in my nature to worry. That being said, I really want to make sure that Little Man gets the best education he can get...and we are working so hard here to make that happen. I am afraid to pick up and start over in a whole new school district, in a whole other state!!!

The other reason why I want to wait out another year is because I am SO not ready to pack up the contents of this house (and it's basement) to move. That is a year's job in and of itself.

In deciding that we will not be moving to the Sunshine State for at least another year, I am getting more and more excited about our upcoming trip to The World in September. We are heading there as a family (and by family...I mean just about EVERYONE from my Grandparents to my Aunts and Uncles to my brand new soon to be born nephew Nolan) for my sister Melissa's wedding. Yes, she is getting married at Disney. I am so excited. We are staying at a Grand Villa at Disney's Old Key West Resort for the better part of the trip. Mike and I are looking to head down a day or two early, and stay a day or two after. We have lots of family and friends to see while we are there. I know we won't be able to cram everythng in that we want to see/do...but we are going to try.

My dilemma of the day is the flights. We knew it was going to be spendy to get there, since we really don't have the time to drive. We were going to fly for the extra time that it will give us. Well, it has been a few years since I have flown...and my weight has gone up and down in that time. I am afraid it is on the higher side of up. Well, Southwest Airlines is the only airline that has nonstop flights from Saint Louis to Orlando...and SWA has a policy for "passengers of size". Yeah, I don't have the money to by TWO tickets for me. I am hoping, hoping that me, Mike and Little Man can all sit in one row, and I won't be offending anyone if I "spillith over". The last time we flew, we flew American Airlines, and there were extra seats on the flight, so I sat with Michael and Mike sat by himself. The flight attendant was kind enough to give me a seat belt extender without incident. When I looked at SWA's policies, it stated that their seats are approximately 17 inches wide. I have not measured my butt, but 17 inches seems awfully narrow, if you ask me!!!

Oh well, I just have to get my butt in gear. Literally. I have to get movng in the next few months, and be very dilligent about sticking with Weight Watchers. I have been slacking on that end. Michele and I have been back to our 5:30 am workouts...but it is the food that I struggle with. Bad food is so much easier, and so much tastier!!!

Here is to my quest for a 17 inch ass.

Love to all.

~ Sunday Stealing ~

2010-04-25T14:33:00.000-05:00

Since I am really bad with the blog ideas, I go to http://www.thedailymeme.com/ for inspiration to strike me. It usually doesn't, but it gives me links to some pretty good Memes that fill in the blog. Today's comes from http://www.sundaystealing.blogspot.com/ . Hopefully something exciting or inspirational happens in the next few days to spark the inner blogger inside me!!!

Sunday Stealing: The Meme Time Meme

01. Real First Name: Christine

02. Birthday: 5/17/1973, a bull headed Taurus

03. Where do you live: Saint Peters, MO...a suburb of Saint Louis. I was born and raised here. I lived in Florida for several years when I worked for Disney. That is where I met Mike...and where we want to move back. This is the source of great stress and strain on us lately.

04: What are you studying/What are you working as: I work as a Mommy and wife, and my paying job is that of a bank teller for a Credit Union. I am getting really burned out, and had a realization that if I don't do something about my job, then I will never be happy. My dream is to be an Early Childhood Special Education teacher. I am enrolling in school to get my two year degree so I can work for the school district...and complete my degree. I HAVE to do this. If I don't I will let myself, and my family down.

05. What makes you happy: Lots of things...my son, my husband, my family, all things Disney, sunshine, shopping, Target, Costco..I am sure more that I have forgotten.

06. What are you listening to now/have listened to last: Right now, I am listening to Wow Wow Wubbzy on the TV. I listen to all sorts of music...all sorts. You'd be surprised at how diverse my music tastes are.

07. What is particularly good/bad about your blog: Good...my blog is honest. Bad...my blog is BORING!!! I do this mostly for myself...just to let it all out.

08. An interesting fact about you: Ummmm...got nothing. I would say that one of the happiest times in my life was when I was working for Disney. I really had a lot of fun, met a lot of great people, and made some fantastic friends. I also met Mike when we were both working for Disney.

09. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment: I love my husband and my son more than life itself.

10. Favorite place to be: Home with my family...or at Walt Disney World.

11. Favorite lyric: I am not sure that I have a favorite lyric...but one that comes to mind is "...so live like you mean it, and love 'til you feel it, it's all that we need in our lives. Stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see nothing is real 'til it's gone..." ~ John Rzeznik - The Goo Goo Dolls - "Before it's Too Late"

12. Best time of the year: I really like summer, spring and fall...but DETEST winter.

13. Weirdest food you like: Bacon and Grape Jelly on toast...weird, but delicious!!!

RECOMMEND

01. A film:   You really would not want my recommendations on films...as I do not get to the movies very often...and my attention span is so short, that I don't really watch them on TV or DVD. The movies that I have watched lately are Up and Toy Story 2...thanks to Michael.

02. A book: I like to read anything by Jen Lancaster and Jennifer Wiener...both have new books coming out this May. I am SO excited. I like girly, chick lit type books...but books about real life situations...if that makes any sense. Books that remind me of me.

03. A song: I like anything by the Goo Goo Dolls or Rob Thomas and Matchbox Twenty. I also listen to a lot of old Journey.  They are great when I am feeling down!!!

04: A band: See above!!!

PLUS

01. One thing you like about a blogger that you have not met: I would love to meet Aurora from http://www.talesofafrumpymochaprincess.blogspot.com/ . She has become a great inline friend...and I really look forward to meeting her...hopefully in September when I am in Florida for my sister's wedding!!! I would also like to meet Suzannah from http://www.zannaland.com/, Amanda from http://www.disneyeveryday.com/, JL from http://www.thedisneydrivenlife.com/ and Lou from http://www.wdwradio.com/ . All of these people are like Disney rock stars to me!!!

02. Two things you like about yourself: I like that I am pretty honest about the craziness that is my life. I am upfront about what is going on, and what I struggle with and what I celebrate. I like that I know that I have faults and am working on them.

03. Name three things that you need in a lover:   I stopped looking a long time ago...when I met Mike!!!

Love to All.

My Samantha Stevens Syndrome

2010-04-24T15:21:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I always got lost in the wonderful world of reruns. The Brady Bunch, The Munsters, The Flinstones, even Gilligans Island. One program that I was particularly fond of was Bewitched. Yes, the story of the beautiful witch, Samantha Stevens...her beligured husband, Darrin and their adorable daughter Tabitha.

There is a Bewitched marathon today on TV Land. It is like the programming gods knew that today was going to be a blah day. The weather outside is gloomy, so we can't go out and play...or even do yardwork. The house is in decent shape. Of course, it could be better...but I just don't feel like it. Mike is working overtime today and tomorrow...so I don't have anyone around to light a fire under my butt to get moving. Yep, today is a great day to snuggle in bed and watch eight hours of Bewitched.

One thing that I noticed when I was watching the show is just how perfect everything was. How I thought that this was going to be my life when I became a grown up. In many ways, I am still waiting to grow up. I thought that I would have the perfect life, the perfect house, the perfect family. I thought that women were supposed to be perfectly made up, wearing the cute little dresses, keeping the house immaculate and get dinner on the table. Yeah. Life isn't quite that way for me.

I am okay with being perfectly imperfect. My floor needs to be vaccummed, my dishes were washed...no thanks to the broken dishwasher sitting in the kitchen, the beds are unmade and I am not sure what we are having for dinner in a few hours. Yep, lots of stuff needs to be done, but I am content in knowng that I am making memories for my Little Man...playing campout in the family room, playing SpongeBob Sorry and Toy Story Memory. Watching Yo Gabba Gabba, Olivia and Wow Wow Wubbzy back to back to back and having a picnic in our family room campout. Sure, my house could look like Samantha Stevens'...but I am okay with it not. I am okay with being just the way I am.

Love to All.

...been away from blogging...

2010-04-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

It has been a few weeks since I sat down and typed. I have been keeping busy, and keeping myself away from the computer. I am back, but don't have much to blog about!!! I am okay with that. I am okay that things are pretty uneventful.

I am still looking to leave my job. I have talked to someone about doing online classes to get my degree in ECSE. Huge step for me. Quit my job, take care of kids and take online classes toward my degree. All is right with that picture.

Of course, all of this and I am (as we speak) on the phone with Mike.

He wants to move back to Florida.

Seriously.

...Sunday Stealing...

2010-03-28T00:01:00.002-05:00

Today's topic (repeat from last week *sigh*) comes from http://www.sundaystealing.blogspot.com/ The questions this week are kinda heavy, but I'll do my best to tackle them...

1. What were doing 10 years ago? ~ working for Disney...just met Mike...living in the moment...having some of the best times of my life...

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world ~ 1) cheetos 2) fritos 3) super-loaded nachos 4) Mickey Ice Cream Bars 5) just about anything that tastes good that is not good for you!!!

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire: 1) build my own community...just me and my family 2) get the best teachers for Michael 3) visit Walt Disney World whenever I wanted to 4) take care of my family and friends 5) give to Autism related causes and the Humane Society

4. Three of your habits: 1) too much TV 2) too much computer 3) working out every morning

5. Five jobs that you've have had: ~ sadly, I have only really had three... 1) Lane Bryant (associate, Co-Manager, Assistant Manager) 2) The Walt Disney Company (different position at TDS and WDW) and 3) First Community Credit Union

6. Five places that you've lived: ~ sadly...only two 1) Saint Louis, MO and 2) Florida (Windermere and Kissimmee)

7. Five things that you did yesterday: ~ since I am writing this ahead of time, it is really a Sunday post written on Friday, so I will go over what I did on Thursday... 1) worked (ugh) 2) talked to Mike 3) played with Michael, 4) emailed Lia 5) went to bed

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about: ~ not really sure...would have loved to have met Walt Disney, wished I knew my father's father (he passed when I was 4) and wished my Grandmother were still alive...I loved her dearly and think that we would be so much closer now that I am an adult...we were close, but there were a lot of grandchildren and I kinda feel like I was lost in the shuffle...

9. Abortion: for or against it? ~ not against it, but I would not have one...

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president? ~ no...sex does not matter...leadership does...

11. Do you believe in the death penalty? ~ yes

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? ~ personally, no...I could care less...

13. Are you for or against premarital sex? ~ I would be in trouble if I were against it...it was no big deal to me...

14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? ~ can't everyone be happy???

15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? ~ illegally...YES...legally...no...

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? ~ yes

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? ~ it's been over for a loooonnnnnggg time...

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? ~ yes

19. Do you believe in spanking your children? ~ beating, no...a spank here or there never hurt anyone...

20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? ~ not really...

Love to All.

...Saturday Nine...

2010-03-27T00:01:00.002-05:00

Today's blog idea came from http://www.samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/ There are nine random questions, usually pretty fun!!!

1. How vain are you about how you look? ~ I can be pretty vain...I think it comes from me getting to the size that I was at my heaviest. I thought that, perhaps, if I looked good, clothes, hair and makeup wise, then people might not notice how big I really was.

2. When you were little what was your favorite TV show? ~ Little House on the Prairie and Three's Company. To watch them today, is painful.

3. If someone was going to make a movie or TV show about your life, who would play you and why? ~ that is a tough one...I am not sure...but I do know that I model a lot of my life after Roseanne...on the show, the early episodes...not in real life or the later seasons...

4. Who is your favorite Major League Baseball team? How about your favorite player? ~ OMG, born and bred a Saint Louis Cardinals fan. My favorite player when I was a teenager was their catcher, Tom Pagnozzi. Funny story there.

5. What is your favorite baseball-related movie? ~ A League of Their Own

6. What is one lesson you have learned in the past year? ~ My husband REALLY does know what he is talking about.

7. Tell us about one of your childhood memories. ~ my favorite memories are from summers...staying out late, until the street light came on...just playing, being kids...those golden summer nights...

8. How do you handle sticky situations? Do you have a method? If so, what is it? ~ Oh I have no method for sticky situations...I kind of just melt...I don't like to be in sticky situations...

9. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? ~ the self-conscious side of me says hell yes...

Love to All.

Mommy Moments

2010-03-26T19:06:00.000-05:00

I got this idea from http://www.mommyjourney.com/. Today's topic is Summer Days are here. Well, technically, it is only 49 degrees right now here in MO...but I can look ahead to the summer. There are going to be so many changes...I am SO excited. One thing that will remain the same this summer is that Little Man will be playing T-Ball. He loves it so much, and it is so good to see him get out and run around. I love to watch him interact with the other children. He might not be the best player...but they are all 4 and 5...nobody is the quite Albert Pujols yet!!! The kids have so much fun. Since Little Man is an August baby, he still has another year of T-Ball before he graduates to Coach Pitch Baseball. I get frustrated that he is always the oldest...in school, on the teams and in things like swim lessons...but I have to remember that waiting is the best thing for him. T-Ball starts in May...but in the meantime, I will post some photos from last season...

...Tackle it Tuesday...

2010-03-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

I found this at http://www.5minutesformom.com/ when I was trying to get ideas for the blog. Tackle it Tuesday. Lots of stuff that I have to tackle...but first and foremost is getting my house absolutely ready for July 1st. What is July 1st, you ask??? July 1st is the day that I am going to open my home to children. That is when I am going to have quit my job and decided to take care of other kids as my career. I am so excited. We have done a lot of work, but the biggest jobs left to do are organizing the basement and fixing the fence in the backyard. I love organization, but I am not very good at it. I am fortunate that Mike will help me out. I have to get all of the toys organized by age. I also have to shop for new (or new to us) toys. That will be hard. :) I want to make sure that I have toys for both boys and girls and for ages 1-5. What a challenge!!! The big tackle is the fence. This will have to wait until after we get the Trust Money in May...right now, we can't afford it. The fence may need to be dug up and completely replaced. Ugh. However, we are looking at it as an investment. I am so excited.

I can't wait to keep everyone posted on progress. I am no housewife, I am terrible at cooking and cleaning. I am going to give it my all. Of course, couldn't today because my back spazzed out. Like let's go to the ER spazzing out. I am suffering through the pain for now, but it is harder and harder. Will keep you posted on that one.

Love to All.

...Manic Monday...

2010-03-22T10:41:00.000-05:00

...this is an idea that I got from http://www.thedailymeme.com/; it had a link to http://www.manicmondaymeme.blogspot.com/. There are some topics to discuss...maybe provoke something in me...

What do you value most in other people?

If you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?

You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about?

These are pretty tough!!! What do I value most in other people??? I would say honesty. I can't stand when someone is not honest. I feel like I have been cheated or taken for granted if someone is not honest with me. I do NOT like feeling that way.

What color would I choose to see if you could only see black, white and one other color??? Wow. I would say blue. That is kind of a creepy topic. I don't like this one.

What would my 10 minute speech to high schoolers be about??? I would say not giving up. I have a lot of regrets from my late teens/early adult stage. I wish I hadn't given up. Life is what you make it. I am doing okay now, but wishes things had gone a little differently then so it would be easier now. You can't change the past...but can work on the present and look toward the future. Sieze the future. Make it yours.

Love to All.

...Sunday Stealing...

2010-03-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

...this is a "topic" that I grabbed from http://www.thedailymeme.com/ to help with blogging ideas. Since I am tired and cranky this evening, I figured that this would be easiest...

Sunday Stealing: The Eight Tens Meme

TEN TO START.

1. Are you single? ~ no...married to my DH, Mike

2. Are you happy? ~ depends...right now, I am kinda cranky...no surprise there...

3. Are you bored? ~ yes...that is why I am writing on my blog...

4. Are you naked? ~ no

5. Are you a blonde? ~ thanks to my wonderful hairdresser, I have blonde highlights...

6. Are you moody? ~ not when I remember to take my medication!!! ;)

7. Are you a lover/hater? ~ a lover, though I can be snarky...does that make me a hater???

8. Are you hot/cold? ~ FREEZING...though I now have Katy Perry going through my head...

9. Are you Irish? ~ nope, German...

10. Are you Asian? ~ nope...

TEN FACTS.

1. Name: ~ Christine Alice

2. Nicknames: ~ Chrissy, Ed, Mommy

3. Birth mark: ~ small one on my left arm, tiny..

4. Hair color: ~ light brown/dark blonde with highlights

5. Natural hair color: ~ dirty blonde

6. Eye color: ~ blue

7. Height: ~ almost 5"11

8. Facebook Mood: ~ I guess it is okay...asking for pixie dust and magic!!!

9. Favorite color: ~ red or yellow (indecisive)

10. One Place to Visit: Walt Disney World, DUH!!! :)

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight? ~ yes

2. Do you believe in soul mates? ~ yes

4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally? ~ yes...hey, what happened to number three???

5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ~ yes...apparently so...

6. Have you ever been cheated on? ~ yes

7. Have you ever liked someone and not told them? ~ when I was like twelve...

8. Are you afraid of commitment? ~ nope

9. Who was the last person you hugged? ~ Michael Anthony

10. Who was the last person you kissed? ~ Michael Anthony

TEN THIS OR THAT.

1. Love or lust? ~ love

3. Cats or dogs? ~ dogs...what happened to number two??? I feel cheated...

4. A few best friends or many regular friends? ~ a few besties

5. Television or internet? ~ TOUGH!!! Could never, ever choose between the two...

6. Chinese Or Indian? ~ Ick...neither..

7. Wild night out or romantic night in? ~ wild night??? Don't do those much anymore...romantic in??? it has to include Little Man...so it is most likely does not involve much romance...

8. Money or Happiness? ~ happiness...I am apparently living the dream as we speak...we are SO broke...

9. Night or day? ~ used to be a night owl...but now I am a day person...don't believe it...

10. MSN or phone? ~ phone for texting/facebook. MSN...really???

TEN HAVE YOU EVER.

1. Been caught sneaking out? ~gee, when I was like 15...

2. Been skinny dipping? ~ ewww...no, ick...

3. Stolen? ~ do ink pens from work count???

4. Bungee Jumped? ~ nope, but would love to...

5. Lied to someone you liked? ~ not that I remember...

6. Fnished an entire jaw breaker? ~ never liked them...now Gobstoppers on the other hand...

8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back? ~ used to...but now I am older and wiser...

9. Cried because you lost a pet? ~ oh yes...cried when my dog died...and I get upset when one of our current dogs runs away...afraid for her...

10. Wanted to disappear? ~ yes

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER.

1. Smile or eyes? ~ smile

2. Light or dark hair? ~ dark

3. Hugs or kisses? ~ hugs

4. Shorter or taller? ~ taller

5. Intelligence or attraction? ~ intelligence

6. Romantic or spontaneous? ~ spontaneous

7. Funny or serious? ~ funny

8. Older or Younger? ~ older

9. Outgoing or quiet? ~ quiet, since I am outgoing...the yin to my yang...

10. Sweet or Bad Ass? ~ used to be bad ass...see where that got me...now sweet...

TEN HAVE YOU’S.

1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd? ~ do high school plays count???

2. Ever done drugs? ~ no, seriously

3. Ever been pregnant? ~ yep

5. Ever been on a cheer leading team? ~ heavens, no...damnit, what happened to four...

6. Ever Been on a dance team? ~ no...gawd, are we in highschool still???

7. Ever been on a sports team? ~ soccer

8. Ever been in a drama play/production? ~ yes

9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? ~ no

10. Ever been in a rap video? ~ oh yeah, that's me shakin' it in the background...

TEN LASTS.

1. Last phone call you made: ~ Mike

2. Last person you hung out with: ~ Mike

4. Last time you worked: ~ just today...915-330...not gonna ask about question three...

5. Last person you tackled: ~ um...nobody, ever...

6. Last person you IM’d: ~ Daniel, my brother...

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with: ~ Mike...what about number seven..

9. Last thing you missed: ~ Michael when I had to leave for work this morning...

10. Last thing you ate: ~ cheesey ranch chicken pasta...it was okay...sounded better than it was...

Love To All.

...Only Good Things Today...

2010-03-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

I have been something of a Debbie Downer lately. Seem to be in something of a funk. I am trying to snap out of it. I have good moments, and I have bad moments. Lately, the bad moments seem to be outweighing the good. I am trying.

I was looking around the internet for ideas for my blog. I could blog about "Mommy Moments", "Four Foods Friday", "Friday Fill-In" and "Food For Thought" Friday...but I came across "Only The Good" Friday. THAT is the blog topic that I should be working on.

Things that I am thankful for...things that I love...things that make me smile. Only the good today.

...I have an amazing husband who supports my dreams. He helps me through the thick and thin. He is there when I am having bad days, and celebrates when I have good days. He loves me no matter what, and takes all of the crap that I can dish out.

...my son is my reason for being. Michael is amazing, himself. I watch him learn and grow every single day. He has overcome certain obstacles...and just crushed them. He is so smart and so intelligent. He just has a different way of doing things...and that is okay...that is what makes him unique.

...I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. My family is so much fun, and I love them all so much.

...we live a comfortable life...and I should not be complaining. Our struggles are supposed to make us stronger. I need to remember that. I should not be afraid.

That is what I have come up with this evening...short and sweet...mainly because I am tired!!! I will try to focus on the positive, even if it is only on Fridays!!!

Love to All.

...scale is stuck...or just outta whack...

2010-03-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I am paying to go to the Weight Watchers meetings..however, I am not going to said meeting. I have every excuse in the book as to why I have not gone...sick, pink eye, slept in...none really good (except maybe the pink eye one...but it was Little Man who had it, not me...). I have taken to weighing myself at home and recording my weight online. Um. Normally this would not bother me...BUT the weight that I recorded this morning was the EXACT SAME as the last weight I recorded on 3/2/10. Exact same??? I have not gained or lost so much as a tenth of a pound in the last two weeks??? I find that kind of hard to believe.

I think it is time for a new scale. *sigh*

On another note, our pro/con list is weighing very heavily to staying here right now. Mike is willing to give it a year to see how it goes.

I think we have found a good combination of meds for my bi-polar depression. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Love to all.

...still on the fence...

2010-03-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I have gotten the ball rolling on following my dream. Nothing much has happened in the last week, except every day I think about quitting my job. I have never been so determined to quit a decent job in my life.

What we are still on the fence about is moving to Florida. That is still in the back of our minds. I know, you are most likely tired of hearing about it...I get tired thinking about it!!! Problem right now is that there are not jobs available at Disney in the departments we are interested in. My feeling is that we should just apply. If we get called about a job, we need to take it as a sign that we belong back down there. The logical side of me says to give it a year...see how the caring for children thing goes. We need to stay here...our house is perfect, the schools are great for Michael, Mike has a decent job with great benefits. If I can get the home-based daycare off the ground, then I will be bringing in decent money and staying at home with my son. If we move to Florida, we will both be working full-time and our hours may suck. Our hours suck right now, that is why I am so down right now. I never see my husband. I don't know if it will get any better if we move.

I keep talking about jumping in with both feet...but get timid right around the water's edge. Just sticking my toe in right now.

Still on the fence. That hasn't changed.

Love to All.

...waiting on the world to change...

2010-03-08T15:30:00.000-06:00

Okay...so I am not really waiting on the WORLD to change...I am waiting on ME to change. I can't complain until I actually DO something.

Today is the day.

I have put in applications with the school district for temporary employment...just to get me through the next couple of months. Why, you ask, am I putting in applications when I have a full time job???

Because today is the day. Today, the straw broke the camel's back. Today. My job forced me to choose between caring for my sick son and going into work.

Michael has Pink Eye. Highly contagious. My parents, who care for Michael, are out of town for the week. My sister is in charge of Michael and AJ on Tuesday. My sister did not want to take care of a sick kid. I don't blame her. I called my boss to let her know that I would not be in on Tuesday, since Michael is sick. Yeah. My boss SHOT that down. Let me know that since I was on probation (really, that is news to me) about my attendance that I would lose my job.

Did she just threaten me with my job???

I am SO ready to quit. I really would quit, except I like everyone that I work with, and don't want to put them in a pickle.

I talked my sister into taking care of Michael, eyedrops and all...on Tuesday. I just pray that my nephew does not catch the Pink Eye.

This is why I am looking for a change. I am ready.

Love to All.

Ikea

2010-03-05T00:01:00.001-06:00

Some of my Disney Tweep friends were twittering about Ikea on Thursday. I have not been, as the closest Ikea to Saint Louis is in the Chicago area, six hours away. I was under the impression that there was one in Kansas City (a mere three hours away) but alas, I was mistaken. I decided to check out their website.

I. Am. In. Love.

I can't believe all of the wonderful things that they offer. And this is just on the website. I could not imagine what an actual store is like. They even have a foodcourt. I wonder if it is like a Costco. I would fall in love with it. Saint Louis needs an Ikea. Saint Louis is not the sticks, we are not hillbillies. We deserve fine European inspired furniture and Swedish Meatballs served in a Food Court style setting.

I was most impressed with their lines of organization for children...such as bins for toys. That is my latest obsession. Okay. One of my many obsessions. With the talk of starting up an in-home daycare and just Little Man's toys in general, I am always looking for the best way to store toys. There is no GOOD way. Mike is willing to build me some toy storage systems...but I see what Ikea has to offer and figure that may be the way to go...of course, Mike would be putting them together anyway...but the wood is already measured and cut...so it would be good to go. He might balk at the price, plus we would have to pay for shipping...BUT I have to remind him that it will be worth it.

Until then, I will have to dream. Target makes pretty good storage solutions (their Itso line) but I wonder how it is constructed. Maybe that is what I will have to go for, since we don't have an Ikea nearby. I can just hear me pleading with Mike that we have to drive to Chicago for a weekend to go shopping. He is gonna love that..especailly after I told him I am NOT leaving Disney World in September with no fewer than FIVE Disney Dooney & Burke bags. Heck. I really just want the first two. I will be happy with those. ;)

Love to All.

...Thursday Thoughts...

2010-03-04T15:40:00.000-06:00

I tend to get mopey when Mike has to go off to work. I would prefer that, on my days off, he take a sick day and stay with me. Of course, that is not possible. We would be even worse off than we already are. I told him that I was ready to just go ahead and quit my job. He said that I have had a taste of what a stay at home Mom is like...and I really, REALLY like it. My past two days have had purpose. I have not been on autopilot. I have has something to do. Now, of course...the house is not 100% perfect...but I have kept up on laundry and the kitchen. The carpets need a good vaccumming, the bathroom needs scrubbing and the floors need washing...BUT I have kept up on the kitchen and laundry!!!

I feel guilty because I was not able to be around for Michael when he was little. Of course, I can make up for it now. I can be the Mom that I always wanted to be. I just need to quit this stupid job and focus on what is important.

I need to get my butt in gear. I need to get things in order so I can quit my job. So I can open my home to children. I am very excited. We got the spare room cleaned out. Next on the agenda is the basement...that is going to be hardest...but Mike and I working together can tackle anything. Weekend off after that will be the garage. By that time, the weather should be getting better, so we can focus on the outside of the house...getting the fence fixed up and the yard cleaned up. I am going to put something out on Craigslist for yard toys. I am getting excited. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I know that summer is around the corner. It is coming, it is getting nearer.

Yes, I still get mopey when Mike has to go to work. I still miss him, but part of it is that I like being home and getting to play SAHM. This is what I was meant to do, not what I have to do.

Love to All.

Getting to Know You ~ Again...

2010-03-03T21:07:00.000-06:00

This time there are FIFTY questions!!! I grabbed this from sparkpeople.com. It is a popular website for dieters...heck, I just Googled "getting to know you" and this came up...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? ~ my first name...no, but my middle name is Alice...after some Great, Great Aunt that I never met...

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? ~ just this morning...life gets overwhelming sometimes...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ...ick...

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? ~ smoked turkey breast

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? ~ one darling son...Michael Anthony, five years old
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? ~ I think so. I am generally a fun person...when I am in the right mood. I hate that I am not the person that I used to be. I am a shell of the person I used to be.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? ~ oh yes...too much I think sometimes...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? ~ yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? ~ absolutely

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? ~ right now, Chocolate Cheerios
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? ~ no...I am so lazy...

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? ~ I used to...but not so much anymore...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? ~ Edy's Loaded Peanut Butter Cup...

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? ~ how they are dressed...very shallow, I know...

15. RED OR PINK? ~ red...

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? ~ my bipolar depression disorder. I hate that it makes me the way it makes me...

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? ~ my Grandma Grote, who passed away almost ten years ago...and family and friends who are far away...

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST? ~ who the hell is Paul McKenna and what is his technique??? Must Google this...

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ~ none...I hate shoes...love to buy the cute ones, but hate to wear them...

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? ~ Tyson Dino Nuggets and Steak Fries (not OP, but easy...)
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ~ whatever is on Nick Jr., I think it is "Jack's Big Music Show"...

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? ~ today I am feeling black...somedays I feel yellow and some I feel red...depends on my mood...

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? ~ my mom's yellow cake baking (and it has to be a YELLOW cake), Michael after he has his bath (we still use baby wash)

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? ~ my little sister, Ellen

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? ~ beach house, hands down...

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? ~ baseball, hockey, football, college basketball...

27. HAIR COLOR? ~ ooohh...blonde, brown highlights...beautiful, thanks to Matt the Magical hairstylist...

28. EYE COLOR? ~ blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? ~ went back to glasses...just easer for me...and I love my frames...

30. FAVORITE FOOD? ~ steak...

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? ~ happy endings...

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ~ I hate watching movies on TV...they are a waste of my time...

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? ~ black sweater with grey and bright pink argyle diamonds...

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? ~ summer...

35. HUGS OR KISSES? ~ both!!!

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? ~ hard to pick just one...like so many...

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? ~ cardio...

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? ~ favorite??? Can't decide...love both!!!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? ~ it is called "Barefoot"...I forget the author...

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? ~ nothing...I use a laptop...fingermouse...

42. FAVORITE SOUND? ~ Michael's laughter...train whistles (???)...the music from Fantasmic!

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? ~ the Rolling Stones...my first concert ever...

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? ~ Walt Disney World...though it was my home for awhile...

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? ~ sadly enough...no...but I am told that I am incredibly patient...I think that could be a talent..

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? ~ Saint Louis, MO

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? ~ outside Saint Louis, MO (Saint Peters, MO)

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? ~ white...

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? ~ tan...

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? ~ it filled a blogpost!!!

Love to All

...absent...

2010-03-02T21:01:00.000-06:00

...have I already written a post titled "absent"??? I may have. I have been absent here of late. My heart has not been into blogging. I have been so busy, that some nights I don't even turn on the computer!!! Okay, so I turn it on...check a few things, but I don't get onto Blogger!!!
Not much going on.

I feel like my bipolar disorder is eating me alive. Somedays, my thoughts paraylize me. The highs and lows are ruling me. Right now, I am in a funk. Getting up and getting going takes everything out of me. I don't even want to move.

That is part of the reason why I have not been blogging. The funk I am in means that I am not doing a lot. I am going into work...though I don't want to. I am making sure Michael is up and dressed and fed...BUT that is a struggle somedays. Mike is a saint. I don't know how he puts up with me. I really don't. Mike sets his alarm in the morning...just to talk to me. I don't deserve such a wonderful man.

See. This is how I think. This is part of what goes through my head.

Love to All.

...Feeling Good...

2010-02-27T21:28:00.000-06:00

I am feeling pretty good overall. Of course, it is the weekend...I don't have to work and Mike is home. There is a Law & Order SVU marathon on USA. Life is good today. I got my hair done. Talked to my baby sister. Cleaned the house. Well, still working on the house. There is still a lot of crap that I am dealing with...but for today, I am going to live in my happy bubble and life will be good.

Funny thing is...I did not take my meds today.

Love to All.

...trying to figure out...

2010-02-25T20:47:00.000-06:00

...what makes me tick. Why I am an emotional eater. Why I can be so good and so on plan all day...but come home to an empty house at night and all hell breaks loose. Why I can be good all day, come home and eat a piece of cheeseburger pie, a slice of roast beef and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich??? I can not even figure out why I eat WHAT I eat. I just eat whatever I can get my hands on, and eat until the hurt and emptiness goes away...problem is, it never really goes away. I just go until I can't take it anymore.

I know, I am sad...lonely...depressed.

I don't know what I can do to fix it.

I take my meds. I exercise every. single. day.

I just hate being alone.

Love to All.

...needing inspiration...

2010-02-24T20:36:00.000-06:00

I should not need much inspiration. I should be able to just rattle something off of the top of my head. I am doing this blog for one person and one person only. Me. Okay. If you must be techinical, I am also doing this blog for my therapist. I need to journal...and I am not good at journalling. I thought blogging would be easier. It isn't.

Today was fairly uneventful, in Pagnotti terms.

I slept in and missed the gym. Again. I can't kick this headcold, so my sleeping has been fitful. I can take a sleeping pill, but they just make me groggy if I can't get a solid 8 hours of sleep. The alarm went off, and since I knew my girlfriend was not able to make it this morning, I decided I was not going to make it.

I went to Weight Watchers. I remember why I never cared for Wednesday meetings. I don't like the Wednesday leader. Good news, I lost 4.4 lbs. Bad news, I am sure it was water weight, since my monthly visitor is just about leaving.

Mike and I had a meeting for Michael's transition to kindergarten. I think I was expecting a lot more than what really happened. I thought we would have a lot of loose ends tied up. I thought I would have a good idea of what to expect for Little Man for the next year. Nope. This meeting was to give the district permission to retest Michael to begin to get the ball rolling for kindergarten. Follow that??? I didn't!!! No, seriously. I kind of understand why we were at the meeting today, to sign the permission slips!!! I just wish I had more answers. I was kind of using this meeting as the "go" point to get the ball rolling to quit my job. I am so on the fence. We will be able to afford for me to do this, provided I take in three kids at $125/week. I am willing to quit my job for such glamour...but I am scared. I have not had a job since I was 17!!! I think the tradeoff will be worth it. I want to be able to be home when Michael gets off the bus. I want to be able to help him with homework and get a meal on the table. I don't want to be walking in the door at 8 pm at night and have a mere hour or an hour and a half before we turn in for bed. I feel that yes, my work schedule gives me that extra day off to be at home...BUT I am paying for it with the longer days.

I am so scared.

We decided to try this out for a year before we decide about moving back to Florida. I think if I can do this, I will be all-around happier. Of course, this makes it sound like it is all about me...and in a way, it is. I hate to sound selfish...but I am not happy right now...and when I am not happy, the whole family suffers...and I don't want my family to suffer. Seriously.

Long round about way to my day.

After the meeting for Michael, Mike and I ran a couple of errands and he went off to work. I HATE that part of the day. The part where Mike leaves the house at 2pm, and Michael does not get home until 445pm. I HATE those two and a half plus hours. I HATE them. I never realized how co-dependent I was until I became so clingy, needy and whiny about being alone. Today, I filled my day with delivering my Avon orders, intentions on going to the gym (but caught up with old coworkers while delivering the Avon and that took too long...) and then I topped it off by having dinner with my parents. My mommy made roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, and beets. Yes. I acutally LIKE beets. :)

I had a pretty good day. I managed to stay OP for the most part...until I came home to the empty house (no Mike) and binged on a piece of leftover roast beef and two pieces of bread and butter. I hate being alone.

Love to All.

...Monday Musings...

2010-02-22T07:19:00.000-06:00

Just some random Monday morning thoughts...

~ I have become a morning person, and that scares me.

~ ...have you noticed that I love elipses (sp) ...you know, the three dots that indicate a pause?!?!? (...)

~ My Little Man has turned into my Little "Disney Nerd". Instead of a bedtime story last night, he asked to watch some of the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade that we saved on the DVR. Loving it!!!

~ My weight loss journey is not going so hot this week.

~ I HAVE been working out...just not pushing myself really hard.

~ I am still putting off making some pretty grown up decisions about our future.

~ We meet with Little Man's teachers, therapists and case workers on Wednesday. We will finalize his transition into kindergarten. That will help me make some of those grown up decisions.

~ I am working on a lot of things. I have not seen my therapist since December (she is a busy, busy lady), but I have been working though a lot. The one thing that I continually struggle with is spending money that we really, truly don't have to spare.

~ At the same time, I am working hard to save my pennies for TWO new Disney Dooney Bags with all of the trimmings when we head to the World in September for my sister's wedding. They are my drive.

~ Speaking of heading to the World in September, my goal is to lose 75 lbs by then. I have already resigned to the fact that I will look like a cow in the pics anyway, but I want to ride Rock N Roller Coaster again!!!

~ I have hours and hours and hours of TV to catch up on the DVR...but I can honestly say that I don't miss them...I NEVER thought I would say that I did not miss my shows!!!

That is about all that is going through my head this morning. Since it is so early, I might chug out an actual blogpost later on. Who knows. Maybe one day I will say that I don't miss my computer...yeah right, that will NEVER happen!!! I know, I don't miss my programs BECAUSE of my computer!!!

Love to All.

Spring...Just Get Here Already!!!

2010-02-21T16:35:00.000-06:00

I am so over winter. So over it. I am tired of the grey skies, I am tired of the cold temperatures, I am tired of the sogginess. Is sogginess even a word??? My major complaint about using blogger is the lack of spellcheck. If it is here somewhere, it is hidden and I can't find it.

I digress.

I just want to get through the next few months. I just want the sun to shine, I want the birds to sing, I want May to get here already. Our lives are so much less stressful come springtime. I want longer, warmer days. That is all.

I am not sure if my depression is tied in to the weather. I have not touched on this with my therapists or psycharitist (sp). I just hate the short, cold, dark, dreary days. I long to be more active, get out in the fresh air, to enjoy life again.

Not much of a topic, but what is on my mind.

Love to All.

...starting over...

2010-02-19T00:01:00.002-06:00

...so I went back to my first WW meeting in a year and a half. I did have reservations...and yes, the group was crowded...no, my wonky weigh in days won't be an issue..and surprisingly enough...there weren't too many "Know-It-All-Nellies" in the group.

There were, however, quite a few "magpies" in the room. You know, the kind of people who always have something to say. I just chose to ignore them and concentrate on what I was there for...why I was there.

I am starting over, starting from scratch, starting fresh. A new beginning, a new day. I literally wiped out a 20 lb weigh loss to start over. Yes, I know that I have lost this weight...but I needed a new beginning...a new starting point.

I am quite excited for this chapter in my journey. My goal is to lose 75 lbs before we head to Florida for my sister's wedding in September. It is bad enough that I will still be heavy...but I can't change that overnight. I am not going to go to some crazy extreme to lose this weight in the next seven months!!! I will take it in small babysteps. I want to celebrate every NSV (non scale victory) and figure out what to do better when I fail (and I will FAIL here and there...I am only human).

Today, my leader discussed eating out. His meeting really opened my eyes on how to plan or prepare for dining out. You can't always be 100% prepared...and after doing WW as many times as I have, I know what choices are better than others. He also mentioned that you can't deprive yourself. What good is celebrating something at The Cheesecake Factory, if you aren't going to have a piece of cheesecake??? Now, this is reserved for special occasions and celebrations...not everyday dining. What good is celebrating your birthday if you aren't going to allow yourself a piece of cake. This is RADICAL thinking compared to WW of the past. This is why I love WW...you can literally eat anything you want...as long as you stay within your Points range.

Off I go to have a piece of Little Man's favorite, "Hamburger Cheeseburger Pie". I have figured out the Points Values (how I love my WW eTools) and will track it and move on. I am not having to inject myself with some weird hormone and worry about not eating my tomatoes in the same meal as my cucumbers...because, heaven forbid that happen!!!

My weight might not come off as fast as 14 lbs in seven days...but it is coming off...slowly and surely is the way that I have to do it to keep it off.

Right now...zero pounds down, 172 to go...and I have gone one meal without having fast food (if Subway does not count, then it is three meals technically). This is HUGE. Much bigger than I am, but I am ready to tackle this...

Love to All.

...reservations...

2010-02-18T07:51:00.000-06:00

Today I go back to my first Weight Watchers meeting in a year and a half. I went strictly online when I switched positions with my job. I have hit a weight loss plateau, and desperately need to bust through it. I am watching what I eat, not closely enough, I will admit. I am also working out on a more regular basis. I think that the meetings give me something that sticks with me through the week, and is the little voice in my head that I NEED to hear.

However, going to the meetings...I do have some reservations.

1) I hate crowded meetings. The older I get, the more I hate crowds. No real explanation for that one.

2) I won't be able to attend the same meeting each week because of my wonky work schedule. I am scheduled off Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday this week...next week it is Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. No consistency with my days off means that I will have a new weigh in date each week. I don't want that to deter me.

3) I can not, CAN NOT stand the "know it all Nellies" that always seem to be in a meeting. What I love about online is that if I come across a post or a topic that either does not interest me, or annoys me...I simply don't read it. In a meeting, I am sitting there for a half an hour listening to the same people say the same thing each and every week. What works for them does not always work for me. I love to weigh myself each and every day...oh, that is a big no-no in some people's eyes. Whatever. Do what works for you, and keep it the hell to yourself. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry...but I get tired of the same crap, different week.

Despite the way it sounds in this post, I am actually excited to be going back to my meetings. I am excited for the accountability and the support that I have from my friend Michele. She works out with me most days and she is going to the meeting today to cheer me on. I don't know what I would do without her.

At least I have someone to sit next to and roll eyes with when someone goes on a little too long today!!!

Love to All.

Chrissy + Martha Stewart = disaster, EPIC fail...

2010-02-16T07:20:00.000-06:00

Okay...in my head, I should be able to bake a simple cake. I can bake a simple cake. I just can't bake the "simple" cakes that I want to. I wanted to bake a "simple" Valentine's Day cake for my two favorite guys...

This is an example of the cake I had in mind. Beautiful AND delicious. I decided that this might be too much for me to tackle, so I decided to buy some Wilton Heart Shaped Silcone molds. I thought I could make sweet little tiny cakes. I bought cupcake frosting and had visions of perfect little cakes in my head. The mold could be used for ice cream!!! Delicious heart shaped cakes and ice cream. This is a photo of the exact mold that I bought.

I bought cake mix and brownie mix. We were going to have a tasty dessert forV-Day and I would have cakes and brownies, baked with love, to send to my parents and grandparents. All tied up with a cute little bow. My son would have magical memories of us baking and decorating our gifts, again all made with love.

Well, Saturday afternoon, I decided to tackle the brownies. Okay. I read the instructions to the silcone mold. It said that you did not have to spray the pan. I did not, because this is supposed to be miracle silicone...all you had to do was "twist" the pan and your treats would just release. So I mix the batter and bake. I let the pan cool, for what I thought was long enough. Apparently you have to let the pan cool to an arctic temperature before removing said goodies. I could not wait that long. I only had one pan, and had a lot of batter left to bake. So I twisted an popped. So I tried to pop. The brownies TOTALLY stuck to the pan. I gave up and baked the rest of the batter in an 8x8 pan. They turned out really, REALLY underdone. Scrapped the cute, decorated brownie idea and decided that I would tackle the cakes the next day.

Sunday comes, and it is snowing all day. What a wonderful day to get our baking done!!! Okay, so the cakes turned out the same as the brownies. I won't go into gory detail...but I did get pictures of the cakes.

I again, made a cake out of the rest of the batter. Little Man helped me decorate the lopsided, crumbly cakes and make the big, blobby hearts on the cake. I decided then and there that it is not about how the outcome looks, or what anyone else thinks of it...just the memory making with my Little Man along the way. Ou cakes aren't going to win any prize...but to Michael they were number one the whole time.

Love to All.

...pondering...contemplating...wondering...

2010-02-14T11:00:00.000-06:00

As I see all of the exciting things that my online friends did over the past few days at the Disney Social Media Mom's Celebration, I miss my time in Florida more and more. I am wondering if it is something that can't be cured by a week's trip here and a week's trip there. Two of my 2011 goals take place in the first two months...I want to complete the WDW Marathon Weekend Family Fun 5K at the Studios in January, and I would like to attend the Disney Social Media Mom's Celebration next year. It was in February this year, so I would assume that it is going to be in February next year. It would be so much easier for me to meet my goals if we lived there. I hate dissappointing myself...and if I get it in my head that I want to do something...I have to do it. I am determined, stubborn to a fault.

We decided yesterday that the following reasons are NOT reason enough to move back to Florida.

1) weather. No matter how much we hate the snow, grey and winter months...it is not a grown up enough reason to move back...

2) Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Q in Saint Cloud and Pizza City in Kissimmee (the best Calzone in the WORLD). As much as these two fatties love their food, it is not a grown up enough reason to move back because we miss certain restaurants.

Hey, it is a short list...but it is a list all the same. It is a start. We are working on the pro/con thing. Despite the two items listed (are they pros, are they cons, who knows?!?!?) we ARE taking this seriously. Either way, there are going to be some major life changes made to the Pagnottis over the next six months. The only question is...how far am I going to have to travel to get to the Marathon Weekend and Social Media Mom's Celebratio next year???

Love to All.

...absent...

2010-02-13T07:17:00.001-06:00

I have been absent over the past week...and a bit in denial. My doctor changed one of my meds for my bipolar disorder. She warned me that one of the side effects were weight gain, brought on because the meds cause you to crave carbs. I thought to myself 'this won't be a problem, I have never craved carbs before. I am stronger than this. I have a Plan. I am on WW'.

Well. I have tried and tried and tried. The carbs are winning. Turns out that my doctor KNOWS what she is talking about. It is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sort of situation. I feel better on these meds, but I am craving foods that I usually don't.

Needless to say I have struggled over the past few weeks. I have been making regular, good choices otherwise...it is just the carbs in the evening. Luckilly I don't keep a lot in the way of carbs on hand...but I have battled with a loaf of whole wheat bread (that I buy for DH and DS) and my oatmeal and Arnold Thins...

I just had to share and get that off my chest. I need to check in more regularly...perhaps when I am getting these cravings.

Love to All.

Changes...

2010-02-11T21:47:00.000-06:00

No matter what we decide...stay here, move to Florida...whatever we decide, today I got the greatest incentive to quit the job that I have become slave to and follow my dream. I was talking to Mike on my lunch hour, and he mentioned that, when Michael woke up this morning...the first words out of his mouth were "Arugghhh!!! Why does Mommy have to go to work everyday?". My five year old senses that Mommy should be at home with him instead of fighting the rat race each and every day.

The opportunity to stay home and raise my son is going to be a short-lived one. He is already five. Five. I have lost so much precious time with him...and I hate that. I can't dwell on that. I have to be the best Mommy that I can be. Some days are harder, more challenging than others. Most days are rewarding. I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life...no matter where it begins...

Love to All.

...maybe it would be more exciting...

2010-02-10T00:01:00.001-06:00

Okay...now I am not thinking of packing up the family and moving a thousand miles away from everyone that I love to improve my blog. I am not. BUT I think that my blog would be much more exciting if I moved back to Florida.

I just seemed happier, more active, and I did more when I lived down south. I think I would take more pictures, I would post more often and would have a more interesting life in general.

Here I sit, in my family room with the blinds raised up. I see the sun, but there is so much snow!!! Michael is in the winter spirit by watching the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade for the third time in a row. I am not going to make him turn it off...he is sick. I want him to be comfortable and happy. Even if this means watching goofy Nick Cannon and skeletal Kelly Ripa over and over and over. I am actually tearing up while watching it, I miss Disney so much. I have a problem. My son has a problem. :)

Now I remember working for the Mouse was not all it was cracked up to be. I hated working in merchandise. Well, I did not hate it completely. I hated the time I worked at the World of Disney. I loved the time I worked at Disney's Hollywood (then MGM) Studios. I know that working for Disney might not work out for me this time around...the schedules can vary, and with a five year old, I have to have a pretty stable schedule. Mike is willing to work overnights, and I want to work while Michael is in school. Mike would love to go back to work for Disney. He loved working for them in Security. That was his favorite job. Now, we would of course get Michael (and me, if I did not work for Disney) an annual pass so we would be able to go to the parks whenever we wanted to. I miss being able to just go whenever we wanted. I think Michael would enjoy that.

Not that missing Disney is any reason to go back to Central Florida...but it is a HUGE pro on my list...

Love to All.

Being A Grown Up Kinda Sucks...

2010-02-09T00:01:00.001-06:00

I am not good at making decisions. I am not good at being a grown-up. Put the two together, and it is a recipe for disaster.

Mike and I moved to the Saint Louis area a little more than six years ago. A lot has happened in that time. We got married,. We had Michael. We started jobs. We moved into my dream house. Michael has started school. This is where my family is. This is where I grew up.

Last week, Mike gave me the "I'm not happy here" speech.

Mike is not one to really speak up. He lets me have my way. I am okay with that!!! He says that he has a hard time telling me and Michael no. This is the first time ever that he has told me something like that. I know he has opinions, but I am not used to hearing him lay it out so bluntly.

Mike wants to move back to Florida.

This has been in the back of my mind for sometime now. While we were driving from Central Florida, through Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and finally into Missouri, it was Mike that made the statement that by moving to Missouri, that we were there for good. I could not keep changing my mind and moving back and forth. I was like, whatever. I get my way no matter what...so when I am ready to move, we'll move...right.

I always whine about the weather here in the winters. I am not a wintery snow kinda gal. Never have been. Never will be. Every winter, I get a bit homesick for Florida. Avoiding grey, dreary, crappy, cold weather is NOT reason enough to pack up our family and move a thousand miles away.

My head is spinning. I keep trying to put together a list of pros and cons about moving back to Florida. I can't wrap my head around it. I think I was a little more laid back when we lived there...BUT I did not have a child. I was not trying to have a child. I was not making the kind of money that I am with my job at the Credit Union. If we do move, now is the best time...while Mike still gets the trust money that his mother left him. We could afford to take a cut in pay while we still have this "extra" money coming in.

I am scared. I am scared of letting my family down. The love having Michael around so much. I don't want them to think that by my packing my family up and moving so far away, that it is a slap in their faces. My parents and sisters and brother have done so much for us over the years. I don't want them to think that it was all for nothing...or that it is a "use 'em and lose 'em" kind of thing. I don't want them to thnk that they all helped me raise my son...and now that the hard part is over...buh-bye.

Why am I even debating the happiness of my family over the happiness of my husband???

There is so much to think about. Jobs, schools, homes, packing up this house and moving it so far away. I am a procrastinator. I won't want to think about it until it is too late. I will want to bury my head in the sand until Mike gives me some sort of ultimatium. What is up with that???

I have a huge decision to make, and I don't want to have anything to do with making it.

Love to All.

...stop hounding me!!!

2010-02-08T14:52:00.000-06:00

I know there are some out there who are very well meaning when it comes to my weight loss...but you know what...mind your own damn business!!!

I don't mean to sound harsh...but I don't WANT to know about your hormone shots...I don't WANT to know about your shakes...I don't WANT to know about your workout plan...I don't WANT to know about your food-delivery service.

I joined Weight Watchers for. The. Last. Time. In June 2009. The last time. Looking back at photos...I gained this weight slowly over the last ten years. I did NOT gain this weight overnight...I am NOT going to lose it overnight. I am NOT looking for a quick fix. That is why I signed onto http://www.weightwatchers.com/ for the last time in June of 2009. I have not let my membership lapse, I have been logging on daily. I have been tracking, counting, jornalling. I have been doing everything that I can. I have lost 20 lbs. No, not a whole heck of a lot, but it is 20 lbs. I will kiss each and every pound goodbye and hope not to see it again. I am taking this at my own pace. I will not win a race...but I am not looking to "win". I just want to lose this weight...to be healthier, to be there for my son, for my death certificate NOT to read cause of death "morbid obesity", to fit into my special skrit. I am doing this for ME...not for anyone else.

Please don't try to talk me into your hormone shots, shakes, workout routines, and food delivery services. I am not interested. I am doing this my way. I know I am fat. I can see that. I just have to do this in the way that works for me.

I know you are well meaning...and you might have years of experience on me...but come on...let me do this my way.

Love to All.

2010-02-06T06:44:00.001-06:00

...good morning world...what a difference a day makes!!!